The sitcom isn’t dead; it’s just in a cryogenic sleep. Everyone wants to pronounce it dead, stand over it's corpse, saying that people don’t want to watch sitcoms any more, but they are wrong. People don’t want to watch unfunny sitcoms any more. People would LOVE to watch sitcoms again, if they are truly funny.
Think I’m wrong? Okay, smarty pants, why are the number one rated syndicated shows all sitcom re-runs? Because people want to laugh. That’s why more people are getting their news from “The Daily Show with John Stewart”…it’s much funnier than “World News Tonight”. The most watched videos ion YouTube aren’t dramas. Lots of blockbuster movies are comedies. People flocked to see “Wedding Crashers” and “40 Year Old Virgin” because comedy, when it’s done well, is a gift. It uplifts you, takes you away from your problems and gives you a joke to tell around the water cooler the next day.
The reasons sitcoms are sleeping are many. Cheaper to produce reality TV, network executives too timid to give a show time to develop (ever watch the first season of “Friends”? It was terrible. I only watched the credits so I could hear the catchy song. But it hung on and became a great show), and a dearth of original thinking. The last one is the killer. Yes, sitcoms are, and should be to a slight extent, formulaic. I said formulaic, not clone copies. Today, if a sitcom does become successful, it’s duplicated so many times that the dead horse isn’t just beaten but completely pulverized. The truly great and memorable sitcoms were both formulaic and original at the same time.
Is there nothing original out there? Sure there is. The BBC puts out plenty of successful comedies, which we try unsuccessfully to copy here. And there are literally TONS of writers out there with ideas (Contact me if you want some scripts and I know a lot more writers with shows as well.). Some may not be great, but I bet if you pan through enough, you’ll strike gold. And we need it. It’s a pretty unfunny time right now, with the war, the economy and elections coming up. So we need sitcoms to help us through a rough time. NBC has only one new sitcom in it’s 2007-2008 season lineup. It’s not enough. We need the funny stuff and we need it now!
Monday, May 14, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Film Festivals Are Like College
Okay, so my short film, SUPERMODELS didn’t get into CineVegas. Big deal, you say. It’s not exactly a tragedy on the scale of say, the genocide in Darfur or the war in Iraq or even the pet food scandal. But it still feels pretty painful to me.
In the mind of a writer/director, one’s film is like one’s child. You conceive it, you nurture it, your deliver it unto the world. Your want your child to succeed in life, to excel, to make you proud. Film festivals are like college. You’d love for your child to go to Harvard or Yale (Sundance and Slamdance). Because they are prestigious, well known and well respected. It’s doesn’t necessarily mean a better education but it is ‘perceived’ to be better. But you also know your kid’s odds of getting in are pretty small, unless your kid was valedictorian. (In the film world, that means your film was probably a big budget, had name actors, etc.) So you also apply to some good but not Ivy League schools, your Stanford or Duke. Which are still great schools, and you’d still kill to get in.
But maybe your kid’s SAT scores aren’t the tops, or his GPA wasn’t as high as you would like (maybe your film had sound problems or just a lower budget than the other films). So you hope that because you have an ‘in’ you’ll get in despite some issues. (CineVegas is in my hometown, so I was hoping that as a Nevada filmmaker we would get in). So if you don’t get in there, you feel like maybe people don’t appreciate your child. So what if he’s not the best student, he’s a great kid who always cleans his room, helps around the house and is pretty popular. Now as parents, we sometimes think our kids are say more attractive than they are. That’s not the case with my film. I know it has flaws but it’s still a pretty cute film with a lot going for it. So getting rejected is hard because I know if the right people see this film, its future is bright. I’m not saying that my kid is going to be President of the United States, just that it has potential.
So now we are waiting to hear from our ‘safety schools’. You know, smaller universities and junior colleges (smaller film fests, niche fests where comedy isn’t the red-headed stepchild). We’d still like to get in to a top 10 school, of course. And we’ll wait, praying for a fat envelope instead of a thin one (or fat email instead of thin email as the case may be.) No, it’s not a tragedy to not get in. But I still want the world to think my child is special.
In the mind of a writer/director, one’s film is like one’s child. You conceive it, you nurture it, your deliver it unto the world. Your want your child to succeed in life, to excel, to make you proud. Film festivals are like college. You’d love for your child to go to Harvard or Yale (Sundance and Slamdance). Because they are prestigious, well known and well respected. It’s doesn’t necessarily mean a better education but it is ‘perceived’ to be better. But you also know your kid’s odds of getting in are pretty small, unless your kid was valedictorian. (In the film world, that means your film was probably a big budget, had name actors, etc.) So you also apply to some good but not Ivy League schools, your Stanford or Duke. Which are still great schools, and you’d still kill to get in.
But maybe your kid’s SAT scores aren’t the tops, or his GPA wasn’t as high as you would like (maybe your film had sound problems or just a lower budget than the other films). So you hope that because you have an ‘in’ you’ll get in despite some issues. (CineVegas is in my hometown, so I was hoping that as a Nevada filmmaker we would get in). So if you don’t get in there, you feel like maybe people don’t appreciate your child. So what if he’s not the best student, he’s a great kid who always cleans his room, helps around the house and is pretty popular. Now as parents, we sometimes think our kids are say more attractive than they are. That’s not the case with my film. I know it has flaws but it’s still a pretty cute film with a lot going for it. So getting rejected is hard because I know if the right people see this film, its future is bright. I’m not saying that my kid is going to be President of the United States, just that it has potential.
So now we are waiting to hear from our ‘safety schools’. You know, smaller universities and junior colleges (smaller film fests, niche fests where comedy isn’t the red-headed stepchild). We’d still like to get in to a top 10 school, of course. And we’ll wait, praying for a fat envelope instead of a thin one (or fat email instead of thin email as the case may be.) No, it’s not a tragedy to not get in. But I still want the world to think my child is special.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Graduation Gifts 2.0
So, the latest trend in graduation gifts is plastic surgery. Yup, if you fulfill your high school requirements, maybe Mommy and Daddy will buy you a new nose or bigger boobs. Plastic surgery is now tops on teen wish lists for gifts for grads.
Let’s not even go into the inherent risks of plastic surgery or the icky message that Daddy buying your bigger breasts implies. Let’s talk about the core values we should be teaching kids. High school graduation is important, but let’s face it, it’s a pretty minimum requirement these days. You can’t do nearly as much in the future without a high school diploma. High school dropouts make less money (most below the poverty level) and have higher unemployment rates that those with a high school diploma. So yes kids, celebrate your accomplishment. But don’t expect extravagant gifts for it. The gift you should be grateful for is the economic opportunity your diploma affords you, as well as the advanced education you can now go on to.
The problem in this situation is parents with more money (or credit) than brains. In the ‘My Sweet 16’ generation, hoards of spoiled children are milking their rich parents for extravagant gifts. Plastic surgery is a natural extension of the desire of these over-indulged youths to have whatever they want without any regard for consequences.
Now, granted, I didn’t have rich parents. They couldn’t have thrown me a thirty thousand dollar birthday party even if they had wanted to. But what’s important is that they didn’t want to. They wanted to teach their children the value of working hard for something that they wanted, and the feeling you get when you achieve it. So for my graduation from high school, they patted me on the back and promised me free room and board at home while I attended the local university. My grandfather gave me an unabridged dictionary and my grandmother paid for some of my college freshman textbooks. Not exactly a trip to Europe, brand new car and a nose job, but they were gifts of love and learning, exactly what a newly minted high school graduate needed.
If your kid has a deformity and needs plastic surgery, by all means, help your child. But small breasts are not a deformity. There is no NEED for a double D chest, unless your daughter’s goal in life is to be a stripper. If you can provide your child with a vehicle to make their life easier, great, make it a low end used Toyota, not a high end new Lexus. The Toyota will still get your kid to school, it’s made by the same company and if your kid wants a Lexus, let him earn the Lexus.
In a few years, some of today’s high school graduates will be graduating from college. If they got an Escalade for their sixteenth birthday and a boob job for high school graduation, what can they possibly hope for next? Mansion in Malibu? A yacht? The Space Shuttle? How about we start a bit smaller, and give them something to look forward to, something to work towards? Let’s bring back that age old graduation gift…the pen and pencil set.
Let’s not even go into the inherent risks of plastic surgery or the icky message that Daddy buying your bigger breasts implies. Let’s talk about the core values we should be teaching kids. High school graduation is important, but let’s face it, it’s a pretty minimum requirement these days. You can’t do nearly as much in the future without a high school diploma. High school dropouts make less money (most below the poverty level) and have higher unemployment rates that those with a high school diploma. So yes kids, celebrate your accomplishment. But don’t expect extravagant gifts for it. The gift you should be grateful for is the economic opportunity your diploma affords you, as well as the advanced education you can now go on to.
The problem in this situation is parents with more money (or credit) than brains. In the ‘My Sweet 16’ generation, hoards of spoiled children are milking their rich parents for extravagant gifts. Plastic surgery is a natural extension of the desire of these over-indulged youths to have whatever they want without any regard for consequences.
Now, granted, I didn’t have rich parents. They couldn’t have thrown me a thirty thousand dollar birthday party even if they had wanted to. But what’s important is that they didn’t want to. They wanted to teach their children the value of working hard for something that they wanted, and the feeling you get when you achieve it. So for my graduation from high school, they patted me on the back and promised me free room and board at home while I attended the local university. My grandfather gave me an unabridged dictionary and my grandmother paid for some of my college freshman textbooks. Not exactly a trip to Europe, brand new car and a nose job, but they were gifts of love and learning, exactly what a newly minted high school graduate needed.
If your kid has a deformity and needs plastic surgery, by all means, help your child. But small breasts are not a deformity. There is no NEED for a double D chest, unless your daughter’s goal in life is to be a stripper. If you can provide your child with a vehicle to make their life easier, great, make it a low end used Toyota, not a high end new Lexus. The Toyota will still get your kid to school, it’s made by the same company and if your kid wants a Lexus, let him earn the Lexus.
In a few years, some of today’s high school graduates will be graduating from college. If they got an Escalade for their sixteenth birthday and a boob job for high school graduation, what can they possibly hope for next? Mansion in Malibu? A yacht? The Space Shuttle? How about we start a bit smaller, and give them something to look forward to, something to work towards? Let’s bring back that age old graduation gift…the pen and pencil set.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
LOOK OUT FUTURE STEVEN KING'S
An eighteen year old high school senior was arrested in Illinois for disorderly conduct after he completed an English class assignment. In a “stream of consciousness” writing exercise, the boy expressed some violent ideas, and school authorities have since placed him in a secure lockdown environment.
In the wake of school shootings at Virginia Tech and the anniversary of Columbine, school authorities are vigilant to any sign that may point to potential “disgruntled” shooters. Apparently believing that the expression of violent thoughts leads to violent action, school officials have now appointed themselves the thought police. Yes, Big Brother is indeed watching.
I understand the desire to pinpoint and thwart future violence but words are not deeds. If so, Steven King would be one of the worlds most prolific serial killers and Quentin Tarrantino would be behind bars without the possibility of parole. The thought patrol would probably have to arrest just about every person in the world for disorderly conduct if our thoughts alone made us guilty.
Look, the guy who wrote the song “I Shot the Sheriff” never shot a sheriff, Steven King’s freezer isn’t full of human heads (at least not that I know of) and Hollywood is happily cranking out horror films because that’s what sells. Most serial killers don’t write their thoughts, feelings and plans down in a diary (boy, wouldn’t it make it easy for investigators and prosecutors if they did!) and those that do usually don’t do it far enough in advance to be of much use in preventing crime. Even if you believe in psychic powers, psychics are called in after the crime is committed…shouldn’t we be calling them in before? Nope, you can’t convict a person of their thoughts. Thoughts and words do not always become action (case in point, people think about sex about way more often than they actually have sex).
So be careful kids and make sure you only write about kittens and rainbows and unicorns. But not about killing kittens, that would be wrong. And rainbows are associated with the gay rights movement so make sure you write only about heterosexual rainbows, so no one starts to question your sexuality. And unicorns have that pointed horn on the tope of their head, that’s not safe if they puncture someone with it, plus it’s kind of phallic. Okay, forget kittens, rainbows and unicorns. Wait, I have it! The next time your teacher gives you a writing assignment, just refuse to do it. If they ask why, or try to fail you, assert your Fifth Amendment right to self-incrimination. Let’s see what the thought police say then.
In the wake of school shootings at Virginia Tech and the anniversary of Columbine, school authorities are vigilant to any sign that may point to potential “disgruntled” shooters. Apparently believing that the expression of violent thoughts leads to violent action, school officials have now appointed themselves the thought police. Yes, Big Brother is indeed watching.
I understand the desire to pinpoint and thwart future violence but words are not deeds. If so, Steven King would be one of the worlds most prolific serial killers and Quentin Tarrantino would be behind bars without the possibility of parole. The thought patrol would probably have to arrest just about every person in the world for disorderly conduct if our thoughts alone made us guilty.
Look, the guy who wrote the song “I Shot the Sheriff” never shot a sheriff, Steven King’s freezer isn’t full of human heads (at least not that I know of) and Hollywood is happily cranking out horror films because that’s what sells. Most serial killers don’t write their thoughts, feelings and plans down in a diary (boy, wouldn’t it make it easy for investigators and prosecutors if they did!) and those that do usually don’t do it far enough in advance to be of much use in preventing crime. Even if you believe in psychic powers, psychics are called in after the crime is committed…shouldn’t we be calling them in before? Nope, you can’t convict a person of their thoughts. Thoughts and words do not always become action (case in point, people think about sex about way more often than they actually have sex).
So be careful kids and make sure you only write about kittens and rainbows and unicorns. But not about killing kittens, that would be wrong. And rainbows are associated with the gay rights movement so make sure you write only about heterosexual rainbows, so no one starts to question your sexuality. And unicorns have that pointed horn on the tope of their head, that’s not safe if they puncture someone with it, plus it’s kind of phallic. Okay, forget kittens, rainbows and unicorns. Wait, I have it! The next time your teacher gives you a writing assignment, just refuse to do it. If they ask why, or try to fail you, assert your Fifth Amendment right to self-incrimination. Let’s see what the thought police say then.
Monday, April 23, 2007
It's Okay Alec Baldwin
I like Alec Baldwin. I know everyone is jumping on the “We Hate Alec Baldwin” bandwagon, but not me. I feel sorry for the man.
Don’t get me wrong, some of the comments he made to his daughter were wrong, in my opinion. There was probably a better way to handle it, and a different choice of words would have headed off this maelstrom of Alec bashing. But the last time I checked, Alec Baldwin was just a man, a human being, with all the faults and foibles thereof.
I listened to the voice-mail and it sounded to me like a man who was hurt, angry and in pain, and he lashed out at his daughter. Wrong? Maybe. Understandable and forgivable, you bet.
Ireland sounds like a girl who has been put in the middle of her parents divorce and residual anger. If we want to make Alec the bad guy for his inflammatory language towards his daughter, shouldn’t we also blame Kim for releasing the audio to the media and increasing her daughters discomfort a thousand fold? Children aren’t pawns to be used to make the other parent “pay”. They are innocent parties in a sometimes ugly war. Let’s leave them out of it. Kim has an obligation as a mother to help her child maintain a good relationship with the non-custodial parent.
Someday Ireland will grow up and hopefully she will want, and have, a loving relationship with both of her parents. But you don’t get there by starting at age eighteen. You start from day one. And you’ll make mistakes along the way. (Hint, hint Alex…have a long, civil talk with your daughter. Apologize for the error of your ways. Make a real effort to make the communication with your daughter about making the relationship work.) And then you try to fix the mistake and move on, trying not to make the same mistake happen over and over again. (Hint, hint Kim…leave the media out of your relationship with your ex. It just makes you look manipulative) And the child needs to feel free and open to express themselves as well. (Hint, hint Ireland…answer your dad’s calls and don’t let your parents drag you into their mess. You’ll have plenty of messes of your own, trust me.)
And to those people on the “You’re a rotten father” diatribe…Hint, hint, you shouldn’t judge a situation you know nothing about. Most of us couldn’t stand up to that kind of scrutiny. None of us is perfect, not even Alec Baldwin.
Don’t get me wrong, some of the comments he made to his daughter were wrong, in my opinion. There was probably a better way to handle it, and a different choice of words would have headed off this maelstrom of Alec bashing. But the last time I checked, Alec Baldwin was just a man, a human being, with all the faults and foibles thereof.
I listened to the voice-mail and it sounded to me like a man who was hurt, angry and in pain, and he lashed out at his daughter. Wrong? Maybe. Understandable and forgivable, you bet.
Ireland sounds like a girl who has been put in the middle of her parents divorce and residual anger. If we want to make Alec the bad guy for his inflammatory language towards his daughter, shouldn’t we also blame Kim for releasing the audio to the media and increasing her daughters discomfort a thousand fold? Children aren’t pawns to be used to make the other parent “pay”. They are innocent parties in a sometimes ugly war. Let’s leave them out of it. Kim has an obligation as a mother to help her child maintain a good relationship with the non-custodial parent.
Someday Ireland will grow up and hopefully she will want, and have, a loving relationship with both of her parents. But you don’t get there by starting at age eighteen. You start from day one. And you’ll make mistakes along the way. (Hint, hint Alex…have a long, civil talk with your daughter. Apologize for the error of your ways. Make a real effort to make the communication with your daughter about making the relationship work.) And then you try to fix the mistake and move on, trying not to make the same mistake happen over and over again. (Hint, hint Kim…leave the media out of your relationship with your ex. It just makes you look manipulative) And the child needs to feel free and open to express themselves as well. (Hint, hint Ireland…answer your dad’s calls and don’t let your parents drag you into their mess. You’ll have plenty of messes of your own, trust me.)
And to those people on the “You’re a rotten father” diatribe…Hint, hint, you shouldn’t judge a situation you know nothing about. Most of us couldn’t stand up to that kind of scrutiny. None of us is perfect, not even Alec Baldwin.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Top Ten List
Ten Signs Your Boyfriend is a Cult Leader
1. Asks you repeatedly what your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid is.
2. Invites you back to his ‘compound’.
3. Insists the swastika carved in is forehead is just a birthmark.
4. During sex he keeps asking “Who’s your Messiah?”
5. Keeps trying to ‘heal’ strangers.
6. Thinks you’d look hot carrying an AK-47.
7. Keeps tabs of when the next Hale-Bopp Comet is.
8. Thinks his hangnail is an impending sign of Armageddon.
9. Believes the government is behind Coke Zero.
10. Constantly humming the theme from M*A*S*H.
1. Asks you repeatedly what your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid is.
2. Invites you back to his ‘compound’.
3. Insists the swastika carved in is forehead is just a birthmark.
4. During sex he keeps asking “Who’s your Messiah?”
5. Keeps trying to ‘heal’ strangers.
6. Thinks you’d look hot carrying an AK-47.
7. Keeps tabs of when the next Hale-Bopp Comet is.
8. Thinks his hangnail is an impending sign of Armageddon.
9. Believes the government is behind Coke Zero.
10. Constantly humming the theme from M*A*S*H.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Top Ten List
10 SIGNS YOUR DATE IS SATAN
1. Introduces himself as “Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, but you can call me Luc”.
2. Calls his pitchfork ‘bling’.
3. Wants to know if you are ready to have his ‘spawn’.
4. Refers to his friends as his ‘evil minions’.
5. Laughs hysterically during the movie “The Exorcist”.
6. Even though it’s 104 degrees outside, he insists on turning the heat up because ‘it’s a little chilly in here”.
7. Thinks it’s funny to rub the horns on his head and joke that “he’s horny”.
8. He’s a Republican.
9. His cell phone ring tone is “Highway to Hell”
10. His forked tongue makes French kissing uncomfortable.
1. Introduces himself as “Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, but you can call me Luc”.
2. Calls his pitchfork ‘bling’.
3. Wants to know if you are ready to have his ‘spawn’.
4. Refers to his friends as his ‘evil minions’.
5. Laughs hysterically during the movie “The Exorcist”.
6. Even though it’s 104 degrees outside, he insists on turning the heat up because ‘it’s a little chilly in here”.
7. Thinks it’s funny to rub the horns on his head and joke that “he’s horny”.
8. He’s a Republican.
9. His cell phone ring tone is “Highway to Hell”
10. His forked tongue makes French kissing uncomfortable.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Poem of the Day
The gulf that grows between us
Is growing ever wide
What was once a chasm
Is now the great divide
We used to stand together
But you're no longer by my side
And the more I think about it
The more I want to hide
To talk about our feelings
Might change the rushing tide
But I'm afraid of what you'll say
And that our love has died.
Is growing ever wide
What was once a chasm
Is now the great divide
We used to stand together
But you're no longer by my side
And the more I think about it
The more I want to hide
To talk about our feelings
Might change the rushing tide
But I'm afraid of what you'll say
And that our love has died.
Monday, October 31, 2005
The Neat Freak's Suicide Note
Goodbye cruel world. I could no longer live in a world where hand sanitizer is considered optional.
I hope that someone will care for my beloved cat, Mr. Clean. He is hairless and virtually allergen and dander free.
I leave my sister my Dyson vacuum. I know she will take care of it and always remember to clean the filter after every use.
For those who will find my body, please remove your shoes or cover them with the foot covers I have provided. There is a supply of latex gloves in the hall closet in case you forgot to bring your own. There are a variety of disinfectants and cleansers also in the hall closet, grouped by use and arranged alphabetically. Feel free to use any that you wish but be sure to put them back where you found them with the labels facing out.
I know that I leave this world for a better place. Heaven is clean and white and sterile and everyone washes there hands routinely and uses toilet seat protectors appropriately. Farewell.
P.S. This note was written on 40% post consumer paper. I have timed my death to coincide with the regularly scheduled trash pickup between 2:42 and 4:47 p.m., so please place this note in the bin marked “Paper” when you are done with it.
I hope that someone will care for my beloved cat, Mr. Clean. He is hairless and virtually allergen and dander free.
I leave my sister my Dyson vacuum. I know she will take care of it and always remember to clean the filter after every use.
For those who will find my body, please remove your shoes or cover them with the foot covers I have provided. There is a supply of latex gloves in the hall closet in case you forgot to bring your own. There are a variety of disinfectants and cleansers also in the hall closet, grouped by use and arranged alphabetically. Feel free to use any that you wish but be sure to put them back where you found them with the labels facing out.
I know that I leave this world for a better place. Heaven is clean and white and sterile and everyone washes there hands routinely and uses toilet seat protectors appropriately. Farewell.
P.S. This note was written on 40% post consumer paper. I have timed my death to coincide with the regularly scheduled trash pickup between 2:42 and 4:47 p.m., so please place this note in the bin marked “Paper” when you are done with it.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Zen Moment for the day
In my neighborhood there is a house where a group of Buddhist monks live. One day as I was driving by one day, I saw a monk taking out the trash. It made me realize that no matter how enlightened we are, everyone has to deal with garbage. Think about it.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Curried Pumpkin Soup Recipe
Here's to the holiday....Happy Halloween Everyone!
Curried Pumpkin Soup
4 c. chicken broth
1 lg. onion, finely chopped
2 Tbsp. curry powder
1 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 Tbsp. salt
1/2 c. butter
4 c. half and half (I use fat free)
4 c. pureed pumpkin
white pepper to taste
graound red pepper to taste
Saute the onion in the butter until soft. Stir in the curry powder, cumin and nutmeg and saute about 2 minutes more. Stir in broth and pumpkin. In small batches run soup through the blender then put them back in the pan.Stir in half and half and heat through. Garnish with a squiggle of sour cream, 2 chives and a sprinkle of pumpkin seeds.
Curried Pumpkin Soup
4 c. chicken broth
1 lg. onion, finely chopped
2 Tbsp. curry powder
1 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 Tbsp. salt
1/2 c. butter
4 c. half and half (I use fat free)
4 c. pureed pumpkin
white pepper to taste
graound red pepper to taste
Saute the onion in the butter until soft. Stir in the curry powder, cumin and nutmeg and saute about 2 minutes more. Stir in broth and pumpkin. In small batches run soup through the blender then put them back in the pan.Stir in half and half and heat through. Garnish with a squiggle of sour cream, 2 chives and a sprinkle of pumpkin seeds.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Welcome
If you are reading this you are really, really bored. Seriously, don't you have something better to do? Well, if not, read on...these are just the ramblings of my mind, recipes and other radom happenings. I'm the eccelectic kind and you never know what you might find!
Death: An Owner's Manual
Welcome to Death.
We know that many of you were expecting instant eternal rest but a few things have to happen before that can take place. This manual will help streamline the process and answer the most frequently asked questions.
First, many have wondered why they have no clothes. It is not, as widely suggested, because you leave the Earth as naked as the day you were born into it. Frankly, it’s because so many people complained about the clothes their families picked out for them. That plus the fact that so many funeral directors were taking shortcuts and slitting clothes up the back for ease in dressing the deceased, which resulted in many people having their clothes just fall off of them. Of course the Great Creator could have fixed them, but frankly, he has better things to do than your tailoring. For those that ask why there are no heavenly robes available, we found that too many people were taking them and then getting angry when we charged their credit cards. So now, everyone is naked. Please remember that we are all perfect in the Great Creator’s eyes, so kindly refrain from any pointing or laughing.
On the questionnaire given to you when you arrived, you were asked to indicate your religion. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. It is merely used to place you appropriately for processing. As each religion deals with death differently, your answer to this question allows us to more easily determine your final destination. Before we began asking this question some of the dead were processed incorrectly, which can be quite confusing when a Christian is reincarnated or an Atheist is seated at the right hand of God. Also, please note that religions are grouped by major categories only (i.e., Christian, Jewish, etc.) It may be disconcerting for a Southern Fundamentalist to be seated on the bus next to a Gay Unitarian but, c’mon people, it’s all the same Jesus. If you are an atheist please check the box marked “None”, not “Other”. “Other” is for confused individuals like Scientologists, Heaven’s Gate cult members and Jedi’s - people who are in need of re-education as to the definition of “religion”.
Because all religions are grouped together during processing, please refrain from any “My God is better than your God” arguments, because He’s not. God, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, we hate to break it to you but there is just one Great Creator and He’s had to make a lot of concessions to allow you free will. So lighten up or there is going to be a whole lot of smiting going on.
Please do not inquire as to when Judgment Day is. It was yesterday.
There is a pool available for your use and enjoyment. However, no one here thinks it’s funny when you try to walk on water. Unless you were God before you got here (and trust us, you weren’t) then you aren’t God now. That also goes for trying to turn water into wine. If you want wine, contact the sommelier.
Christians, try to remember to always refer to the entrance to Heaven as “The Pearly Gates”, not “The Golden Arches”. “The Golden Arches” are a registered trademark of the McDonald’s Corporation and contrary to popular belief, there are a lot of lawyers in Heaven. For similar reasons, please make sure to call it the “Heavenly Kingdom”, not the “Magical Kingdom”.
Whether your final destination is Heaven, Hell or just Eternal Peace, we hope that you have enjoyed your death. And if your destination is reincarnation, we’ll see you again soon!
We know that many of you were expecting instant eternal rest but a few things have to happen before that can take place. This manual will help streamline the process and answer the most frequently asked questions.
First, many have wondered why they have no clothes. It is not, as widely suggested, because you leave the Earth as naked as the day you were born into it. Frankly, it’s because so many people complained about the clothes their families picked out for them. That plus the fact that so many funeral directors were taking shortcuts and slitting clothes up the back for ease in dressing the deceased, which resulted in many people having their clothes just fall off of them. Of course the Great Creator could have fixed them, but frankly, he has better things to do than your tailoring. For those that ask why there are no heavenly robes available, we found that too many people were taking them and then getting angry when we charged their credit cards. So now, everyone is naked. Please remember that we are all perfect in the Great Creator’s eyes, so kindly refrain from any pointing or laughing.
On the questionnaire given to you when you arrived, you were asked to indicate your religion. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. It is merely used to place you appropriately for processing. As each religion deals with death differently, your answer to this question allows us to more easily determine your final destination. Before we began asking this question some of the dead were processed incorrectly, which can be quite confusing when a Christian is reincarnated or an Atheist is seated at the right hand of God. Also, please note that religions are grouped by major categories only (i.e., Christian, Jewish, etc.) It may be disconcerting for a Southern Fundamentalist to be seated on the bus next to a Gay Unitarian but, c’mon people, it’s all the same Jesus. If you are an atheist please check the box marked “None”, not “Other”. “Other” is for confused individuals like Scientologists, Heaven’s Gate cult members and Jedi’s - people who are in need of re-education as to the definition of “religion”.
Because all religions are grouped together during processing, please refrain from any “My God is better than your God” arguments, because He’s not. God, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, we hate to break it to you but there is just one Great Creator and He’s had to make a lot of concessions to allow you free will. So lighten up or there is going to be a whole lot of smiting going on.
Please do not inquire as to when Judgment Day is. It was yesterday.
There is a pool available for your use and enjoyment. However, no one here thinks it’s funny when you try to walk on water. Unless you were God before you got here (and trust us, you weren’t) then you aren’t God now. That also goes for trying to turn water into wine. If you want wine, contact the sommelier.
Christians, try to remember to always refer to the entrance to Heaven as “The Pearly Gates”, not “The Golden Arches”. “The Golden Arches” are a registered trademark of the McDonald’s Corporation and contrary to popular belief, there are a lot of lawyers in Heaven. For similar reasons, please make sure to call it the “Heavenly Kingdom”, not the “Magical Kingdom”.
Whether your final destination is Heaven, Hell or just Eternal Peace, we hope that you have enjoyed your death. And if your destination is reincarnation, we’ll see you again soon!
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