Oscar Wrap Up - A Night of Beige and Bawling

Okay, it's my annual take on the Oscars.

First off, as of Saturday morning I hadn't seen any of the "Best Picture" nominees. By the time the Oscars aired, I had seen four of the five. Plus "Doubt', which wasn't nominated, but should have been. And I don't want to say how I saw them - I did NOT illegally download movies - but I still feel dirty. Out of guilt I will have to buy the DVD's when they come out. Let's just say that Chinese YouTube (YouKu) doesn't follow the same infringement laws as the U.S.

So, "Slumdog Millionaire" won. Did it deserve it? That's a great question. Of the nominees I saw (I didn't watch "Frost/Nixon") it was the least depressing. But while everyone is touting it as the 'feel good movie of the year', I have to warn you that it was the most depressing 'feel good' movie I have ever seen. Sure, it has a 'happy ending'. But it takes a long, arduous, painful journey to get there. Still, I liked it better than "The Reader" (in all fairness, I read the book and hated it, so the fact that the picture was as slow, dull and self-important as it was was no surprise.) "Milk" was a good movie (I'd say it was a great movie, but there is a documentary narrated by Harvey Feirstein, called "The Times of Harvey Milk" that covered this same subject better, it was a great movie so "Milk" only gets a 'good' from me.) Josh Brolin was good in "Milk", so deserving of his nomination. Sean Penn? Well, we'll get to that later. "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" was good too. So they were all excellent choices for Best Picture. But they all made me long for Prozac. In the end, I'll say yes, the right movie won "Best Picture". But probably a little of that was for the little indie film, which Oscar loves to recognize so that it can feel proud of itself while still sucking at the teat of corporate film making.

Okay, on to Oscar night itself. Dull. Dull. Dull. In a time when the economy is bad, I want happy, gaudy, over the top Oscars. But it was a sea of beige, with a bland host, hardly any comedy and a musical number that was, well, weird. First, Hugh Jackman. Lovely man, very handsome, still faithful to his wife, incredibly talented. Not an Oscar host. A Tony host? Sure, absolutely. But Oscars, not so much. There is a reason why the best Oscar hosts (Carson and Crystal, IMO) are comedians, because this night needs the levity. The opening number was okay, but not boffo and it went downhill from there. The only "highlights' for me were Jackman's intimation that Streep's numerous nominations might be the result of performance enhancing drugs, Tina Fey with Steve Martin (Fey: "Someone once wrote "To write is to live forever", Martin: "The person who wrote that is dead") and Ben Stiller's hilarious send up of Joaquin Phoenix, which was brilliant. But there were no over-the-top gowns or production numbers, no crazy flubs (unless you count Alan Arkin calling 'Phillip Seymour Hoffman' as "Seymour Phillip Hoffman' as crazy.

First up was "Best Supporting Actress" which showed the bizarre new format for the night of five former winners in the category introducing the five nominees in kissy-kissy fest that brought so many nominees to pseudo tears. (Real tears ruin makeup). The winner was Penelope Cruz. Not that she wasn't good enough to win, but Viola Davis in "Doubt" brought my mother to real tears - real, eye reddening, makeup smearing tears. (By the way, my mother watched "Doubt" with me and said that was the worst thing (meaning the legality of watching pirated video on the net) she has done in many, many years. Which made me think, it's probably not the worst thing I've done this month. It's tough to live with a saint.) So Viola was my choice, but she was in only one scene of the movie. Next was "Best Supporting Actor". And by next, I mean an hour and seventeen minutes later.

Look, I love the awards for screenwriting, documentary, short subject, makeup and set design as much as the next person (an probably more than the next person, unless the next person is a nominee for screenwriting, documentary, short subject, makeup or set design.) But there has to be a better way to intersperse the five "big" awards so that one isn't at 5:43, one at 7:30 and three at 8:42. I'm just saying, that's all. Of course, "Best Supporting Actor" went to Heath Ledger. You could have bet the farm. Not that you really could have bet the farm since his Vegas odds were 1-2. (Yes, you would have lost a dollar on that bet if you had won, weird, huh?) It was a really great performance by Heath, I'm just not entirely convinced that he would have won had he not died.

Disappointments? Well, I missed having five song nominees. The Academy decreed that no more than two songs could come from a single film (after last year's three songs from "Enchanted" debacle) but to then have only three songs with two of them from "Slumdog Millionaire" win wasn't any better. Worse was the tribute number where they tried to mix the two Bollywood songs with the Peter Gabriel song from "Wall E". It was awkward and odd. 'Jai Ho' won, probably the first time a Best Song went to a song that most Americans couldn't understand the lyrics to (not counting Bob Dylan singing the "Wonder Boys" song in 2001.) And the "In Memoriam" is one of my favorite parts of the Oscar telecast and having Queen Latifah sing was fine, in fact she did a beautiful rendition of "I'll Be Seeing You" but they should seriously fire the director who kept the camera on her while ignoring the video with the dead people on it. Um, hey, it's the point of the memorial segment to show the dead people. I don't know whose picture I missed due to this blunderheaded move but I hope their families get really mad at the Academy. Also, while I harangue the Academy, what was with the 'advertisements' for upcoming releases at the end of the show? Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Okay, "Best Actress" went to Kate Winslet. Now I like Kate just fine, although I think calling her 'the finest actress of her generation" is laying it on a bit thick. But she did not deserve her win last night. I know that Meryl Streep is nominated for an award every time she sneezes, but she was wonderful in "Doubt". Much better than Kate. (I'm sorry Kate, but you know it's true.) But Kate has been nominated six times and never won before so I guess the Academy thought they had better honor her before she did a Susan Lucci. It still seemed odd though, considering hardly anyone even saw "The Reader" (heck even Hugh Jackman did a joke about it.) "Best Actor" went to Sean Penn and while my secret hope was for Richard Jenkins (and my mom was rooting for anyone BUT Penn or Brad Pitt) I can see why he won. I even liked his speech, or at least the first 45 seconds of it. Then he went all political and lost me. Plus he didn't thank his wife. Guess the reconciliation isn't going as well as they would like.

And then the big win for "Slumdog Millionaire" which won awards it wasn't even nominated for. (Just kidding!) I agree with the "Best Picture" win but I have a quibble with the "Best Cinematography" win. But that's just my opinion and since I'm not an Academy member (yet) my vote doesn't count.

Okay, on to fashion. I'm no stylista and I don't much care but here is my two cents. Best gown to Natalie Portman because it wasn't beige, black, grey or navy blue (was this a funeral?) Worst gown, Miley Cyrus (and what the hell was she doing at the Academy Awards? Oh, wait, Disney owns ABC.) Worst jewelry, Angelina Jolie. I'm sure those emeralds cost a bloody fortune but they could have been from a candy machine and no one would have been able to tell the difference. Gaudy and ugly. And didn't anyone tell her that emeralds are unlucky? And did anyone else notice how similar in style and color the dress that Queen Latifah wore to sing and the dress that Reese Witherspoon came out in moments later were? I would have thought they exchanged clothes except Resse is a size 00 and Latifah is a ginormous size ten or twelve (which is heifer by industry standards.)

And my favorite red carpet moment? When someone asked Miley Cyrus (after he asked her to plug the new "Hannah Montana" movie that opens in April) if she would like to be a nominee someday and she said "Oh yes, I'd love to be nominated for this film, it's very different than what you expect". Um, Miley, the chances of you being nominated for an Oscar for a Hannah Montana film are about the same as me being nominated next year for the film I'm working on. Not if you were the last actress on the planet Earth. Sorry kid, but thanks for a great moment of humor.

Okay, the 2009 awards are over. Next year, more glitz, more humor and more fun, please!