I've Got an "In"

Okay, I've never done drugs so I've never had a 'dealer'. I don't know anyone who bootlegs DVD's so I don't know a 'guy'. I've lived in Las Vegas my whole life and I've only gotten 'comped' a couple of times. I don't know anyone who can put me 'on the list'. And while I don't really want to participate in any illegal activity, I have always felt kind of out of the loop. Like everyone else had some special connection and I was flying solo. But no more, 'cuz now I have a 'guy' who can totally hook me up with Ikea merchandise.

I know I blogged about ModernLV before and how it is such an amazing idea to bring Ikea to the Ikea-less Las Vegas. But last night I got my first delivery and I had to tell you all about it! I got an email from William Crozer, the "Director of Operations" (don't you love it when a two person company has employees with such lofty titles?) saying my merchandise was in. He sent me another email saying he was out making deliveries and if I was near a freeway he'd drop my stuff off too. I thought this was totally cool of him since I only bought seven dollars worth of stuff. My house is two minutes from a freeway exit and we made arrangements to meet in the parking lot of the shopping center that is right next to the freeway. (And, conveniently enough, right next to a Del Taco, and it was Tuesday, which means tacos were on sale 3 for $1.09, so guess what we had for dinner last night? Yup, taco salads. Add some beans and tomatoes and a bit of sour cream to some crushed up tacos and viola, yummy dinner on the cheap.)

William called me when he was fifteen minutes away from my area and I put my money in and envelope and headed off to the shopping center. I felt a little like I was going to make a drug deal, exchanging cash for the packets. I have been going to that shopping center my whole life (there is a great Chinese restaurant and my Grandma Wilhite did all her laundry at the laundromat and there used to be a terrific video store from the pre-Blockbuster and Netflix days.) But the shopping center has fallen on hard times when the freeway expansion forced the closing of the big grocery store and the McDonald's but I still go there frequently to the CVS or the Del Taco. But it's a little seedy after dark, I'll be honest. I don't usually care but I felt a little bad meeting my new BFF there. And again, I felt a little like some illicit exchange was going to be made. While I sat in my car, waiting for William, I witnessed not one, but two suspected drug deals. Now again, I've only seen drug deals in the movies but when people wait in their cars and a guy on a bike rides up to them, exchanges something through the window and then the car drives away, it doesn't take Sherlock Homes to figure out what's going on. I was afraid that while sitting in my car that the bicycle man would approach me and I would have no idea of the proper etiquette to turn him down. (Although it has been getting harder and harder to buy my nasal decongestant lately due to it's use in making crystal meth. I was wondering if meth helps you breathe better because it might be easier to buy it from a dealer than getting Sudafed at the pharmacy. Plus, meth helps you lose weight, right? But there is that whole 'losing all your teeth" and I hate dentists so maybe that's not the best way to go.)

William arrived and I got out of the car with my envelope and we exchanged the cash for the Graddsas sauce packets. My new 'dealer' also gave me the new Ikea catalog. (Just like a dealer, he hooks you with a little taste then turns you on the the harder stuff!) It wasn't exactly like a drug deal though, unless dealers are now giving receipts. We talked for a few minutes about the business and Ikea. He was totally cool, but I kind of had to laugh too. If I had to picture in my mind the type of person who would start an Ikea import business, it would be a yuppie white liberal in a hybrid car. (Have you ever seen "Best in Show' the brilliant dog show mockumentary from Christopher Guest and company? The couple with the weimeriner who met at Starbucks and likes to quiz each other on what's new in the J. Crew catalog? That's totally how I pictured William and his wife, the couple who own and run ModernLV) And who shows up? An upscale white guy with an Obama bumper sticker on his black Prius. I'm not making fun, just saying that he was EXACTLY like I pictured him and it made me smile. Did I mention before that the Crozer's even participate in a carbon offsetting program so I can even feel like an environmentalist while I buy my Ikea from them? Yes, they are that cool.

ModernLV is a business that if it succeeds is doomed to fail. By that I mean if there truly are enough people in Las Vegas that love Ikea, eventually Ikea will come here and ModernLV will have no reason to exist any more. And William is okay with that. He'd rather have an Ikea here. But until then he will spread the gospel of Ikea and occasionally mecca to one to worship at the temple of Swedish modern furnishings at reasonable prices. I agree with that philosophy, especially when it gets me the items I need without a four hour drive (unlike Dyann, I travel to Southern California very infrequently these days.) And the Crozer's are providing a really valuable service. We are in the midst of redecorating our living room and have been on quest to find a new couch. One that's comfortable. (Do you know how many couches are uncomfortable? It's amazing!) The room is small and we are looking for something modern but with a beach cottage feel. Our front runner is a love seat at Macy's that's nearly $1400.

This one at Ikea is $549. Granted, it's fabric instead of leather, but we can get a lot of slipcovers for the extra $850. (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the one at Macy's but it's not my money.) But before the Crozer's our only option was to buy locally or rent a truck. But now we have the option of using ModernLV to fetch it for us. I don't know which we will eventually choose. But it's nice to have options. And that's the service that ModernLV is providing, the option to get Ikea merchandise without shipping charges that make the affordable into not affordable.

Tomorrow night is Swedish meatball night, thanks to ModernLV. I'm still going to work on a sauce equivalent to the packets but at least I have a supply now to tide us over until I do. And a way to get more. The Crozer's did me a huge favor and I wish them well. I've offered to write a couple of entries for their website. And I encourage you to become a friend of ModernLV on Facebook or follow them on Twitter. And, if you should happen to need some Ikea merchandise and decide to use ModernLV, mention my name and tell the Crozer's I sent you, and let them know I'm sharing the love. And the next time you have a brilliant idea, pursue it, you never know where it might lead!

I Didn't Make The List

So, once again, I didn't make the Forbes 400 list of the richest people in America.

Okay, the price of admission to the list was $1.3 billion dollars and I have like twenty-two dollars and eighty-six cents.

All the usual suspects made the list - Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, everyone in the world related to Sam Walton. Most of the list is old white guys. (Surprise, surprise.) Ten percent of the list is women. Oprah is on it. (Again, surprise, surprise.)

The guy who founded Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, is on the list, he's worth $1.5 billion. Oh, and he's twenty four. Yeah. Twenty-four. When I was twenty-four the sum total of my assets was a crappy Ford Tempo and whatever change I could find on the floor and in the seats of the said Ford Tempo. This guy can buy a small country and I had trouble finding enough cash to buy two tacos at Jack In The Box.

Sheldon Adelson lost almost half of his fortune this year and that would make me sad if he didn't still have a net worth of $15 billion dollars. So forgive me, Shelly, if I don't cry too much for you.

I guess what upsets me the most about this list (besides not being on it) is that it represents a kind of wealth that we normal people can't understand. Or at least I can't, maybe you're different. I wouldn't know what it's like to not think about the cost of things. I buy marked down produce and shop the clearance racks at Ross. My mom works at a day-old bread store. That's the reality of my life and it's okay, I'm used to it. But these guys have more money than most people could ever even dream about. I can't fathom money in the billions. A million is still a whole lot of dough to me, and these people have thousands of millions.

Sure, I can imagine of what it might be like to be one of the mega-rich. But I'd still be looking at the prices on the menu and thinking that two tacos are only ninety-nine cents and that 'poulet a la valee d'auge' is really just roast chicken anyway and how can they charge so much for it? Why would I spend six figures on an Hermes Birkin Bag when that's more money than I spent on college? The twenty dollar purse from Target holds my wallet and cell phone just fine. And private jets are not exactly eco-friendly.

Who wouldn't want to be rich? Nobody I know. It would be lovely to give generously to charity and eat and shop wherever you want. To go on vacations that don't require coupons and online discount hotels. But my life is grounded in reality and I'll never be a part of that world. Foe me, I'd settle for not worrying about where car repair money is going to come from. Think that Facebook guy would give it to me?

I Seriously Need to Learn to Scam

Okay, so I was on Facebook (yes, I'm a sheep, but I blame my friends. I'm on MySpace to promote the film but I blame Tina for Facebook) and I saw an ad that read:

"Just Break Up? How you can get instant relief from the pain of break up. How you can win them back, even if they are with someone else right now. What you should do when they won't return your calls, emails, IM's or text messages."

and then you give them your name and email address and they will tell you how much these amazing secrets will cost you. ($39.00 plus shipping and handling). No, I didn't give them my name and address, I Googled around because I was intrigued not by his methods, but by the sheer fact that this even exists. It's by some guy named T.W. Jackson who admits that he has no training (or education) in any form of psychology or therapy, but through his own experience he has the 'secrets' to winning back your ex, attracting women, stopping divorce, etc. He's even got this hysterical testimonial video where he just shows screen shots of emails that say things like "I Got Him Back!". He also has posts on fake blogs touting his effectiveness written by 'strangers' who apparently write anonymous blogs.

I admit it, he's brilliant. Oh, not as a relationship expert, but as a scam artist. Wow. Lonely, desperate people paying forty bucks for bogus advice.

Want some advice, for free?
For instant relief for the pain of a break up, drink until you pass out.
How can you win them back, even if they are with someone else right now? You can't. They've moved on, get over it.
What should you do when they won't return your calls, emails, IM's or text messages? STOP CALLING!

But his advertisement did start me thinking, I need a scam. I have no experience, qualifications or training, so I could 'help' people too!

I'm not sure what my scam will be. I was thinking I could contact the Nigerian scam people and offer to edit and proofread their scam emails. They always use such bad grammar that you can totally tell it's not real - okay, most people can tell, but obviously there are a few people too ignorant or greedy to see through their cunning ruse. I know that if I had to get millions of dollars out of the bank that my dead husband had left, but I needed a few measly thousand to pay the fees or whatever, I would send emails to random strangers asking them for help and promising them a great share of the profits. And I'd write it so badly with poor broken English, even though I am a doctor or the wife of a diplomat, because I'm obviously too distraught to spell check.

Maybe I'll be a self-help guru.

I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO WORK FROM HOME! FOR ONLY $19.95, I'LL GIVE YOU THE SECRET OF HOW TO WORK FROM HOME AND MAKE MONEY!
(Hint: You quit your job and you sell scams for $19.95)
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL, ACT NOW AND I'LL INCLUDE MY GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS METHOD!
(Eat less, exercise more.)

Obviously, to paraphrase P.T. Barnum, there is a sucker born every minute, and you can reach them all through the Internet.