Blah Blah Blog

Some days it's easy for me to come up with an idea for a post. Some days it's like pulling a rabbit out of my...well, you know where. Trying to decide what will be interesting to you, Loyal Readers, without being too "Dear Diary, I met the cutest boy today..." I get the most views when I post embarrassing stories or pictures of myself (dominatrix anyone?) or put celebrity names in my post labels. My life isn't really all that interesting yet tens of people read my blog every day. (And readership is actually growing, although the why still escapes me.) I'd love to hear from you as to the topics that you would like me to expound upon.

For today, in the interest of giving people what they seem to want, I'm going to tell you ten embarrassing things about myself and list ten celebrities.

1. I have never seen the movie "E.T." I don't want to see it. I'm sure it's wonderful but I couldn't be less interested. Sorry, Mr. Spielberg.

2. My nickname in high school was "Chez Moi." Because everyone was taking French (wasn't that smart of us?) and "Chez" is pronounced like my name. Only when they called me "Chez Moi" (which means "my house") they pronounced it 'shezzzz'. Fortunately, this nickname was given to me by Giovanna Sardelli and she graduated my sophomore year and everyone forgot it after that. And it wasn't as bad as this guy I knew, Brian Hess, whose nickname was "Squid".

3. I didn't learn to drive until after I graduated from high school. I might never have learned if my mother hadn't gotten tired of driving me to work and she sure as hell wasn't going to drive me to college every day. I was a really timid driver and would panic whenever I stalled the car and traffic would back up and people would start honking at me. (My mom once flipped a guy off when he did that. And she's not the flipping off kind of woman.) What's funny to me now is that I'm a really good (and fairly assertive) driver - all those years of driving in Los Angeles - while my mom, who taught me, is really timid and won't drive unfamiliar routes or make left hand turns.

4. The only macaroni and cheese I like comes out of a blue box. I know, I'm a gourmet cook, so I should like some fancy truffled mac or something. But only the blue box (made with extra powdered cheese) tastes like I think it should. But it must be eaten as soon as it's made. Let it sit and it's gross. Reheating does not work. And while I'm admitting to junk food likes, I should also disclose that I love Spaghetti-o's and Chef Boyardee Ravioli too.

5. My father once told me, when I was about fifteen years old, that I was the biggest disappointment in his life. He was referring to the fact that I was fat. It took me many years to finally realize that his problem with my weight was just that, HIS problem. And the worst part, for me, was that it wasn't the cruelest thing he ever said to me. I'm an adult now and I can forgive him. I loved my father, and in his mind he was trying to help me. But the scars remain.

6. I failed college algebra. Twice (well, it would have been twice but I wised up and dropped the class before I could fail again.) I had to give up and take something else. I can do math, honestly, I'm actually pretty good at normal math but algebra and my brain do not mix. And I'm actually okay with basic algebraic equations until it gets to the graphing part and signs and cosigns and then at that point all I hear is the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons "Wa Wa Wa Wa Wahhhh". My friend Traci (hi Traci!) is a math genius (and I mean genius in the literal sense) and I was always so jealous of her math ability. I still am.

7. I cut my toenails wrong. I cut them round instead of straight across. No one told me when I was a kid to cut straight across so I always just followed the curve of the nail. The problem is, that leads to ingrown toenails. A lot of ingrown toenails. So you have to keep cutting them round and very, very short. I hate getting pedicures because the pedicurist always yells at me. And I have to get a pedicure for the wedding. Ugh.

8. I was once a phone sex operator. For about a day. See, I have a really good voice on the phone. Random wrong numbers will actually hit on me over the phone ('cuz that's the kind of guy I'm looking for, one who can't even dial correctly.) And I needed a second job. So I applied for a 'phone actress' job in the paper when I was nineteen. I was hired immediately during my phone interview. Then the woman gave me 'training'. I slowly began freaking out. By the time she got to how to handle clients who were into bestiality, I was in full blown panic. I took one call, hung up on the man about half way through and never did it again (okay, maybe once or twice with a boyfriend who traveled a lot, but that was different.)

9. I have a tattoo. It's very small and well concealed. I'm not a 'tat' kind of girl. But they are permanent. That's all I'm saying.

10. I haven't had a date in over 15 months. You do the math.

Okay, end of embarrassing. On to celebrities. Here is the list of ten celebrities I would have sex with (my 'free' list, as it were.) Don't judge.

1. Ben Affleck
2. Dane Cook
3. Colin Firth
4. Owen Wilson
5. Robert Redford (I said don't judge!)
6. Tyler Florence
7. Gerard Butler
8. Christopher Meloni
9. Ryan Reynolds
10. A threesome with Will Farrell and Paul Rudd (I can feel you judging, but it's not like it could happen.)

I Can't Wait For a Bad Movie

Anyone who knows me knows I love good films. Love them. See them every chance I get. I go to film festivals every chance I get, hoping to discover great films early on. (See gems like "Once", "Introducing the Dwights", "Reprise" or "Neo Ned" for some great examples. All are available on video except "Neo Ned", which you can watch on Netflix's instant viewer. Seriously, see these films.)

I also love "inside jokes." One of my favorite experiences combined the two, in the movie "The Aristocrats". It's a documentary by comedians Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller fame) who got more than a hundred comics to tell the same 'insider' dirty joke. The movie is hysterical (although for the faint of heart, it does contain lots of scatological humor.) I saw this movie when it premiered at Sundance (one of the best movie experiences of my life, I sat next to Leah Rozen, the film critic for People magazine, and I picked her brain) and again when it premiered at CineVegas and thanks to P&T's wonderful publicist/exec Glenn S. Alai, who is a close friend..okay, so he's Tina's close friend which makes him my close friend once removed, got to sit in the VIP section with the likes of legendary comics like Phyllis Diller. I saw the movie several more times at the theater and own it on DVD, not to mention watching it numerous times on cable. I would have loved this film even without the glitz and glamour because as a comic I loved the 'inside joke'.

Now, as much as I love good movies, I like bad ones too. Really bad ones. Not the ones you watch and wish you had those two hours of you life back because the film had no redeeming qualities, but the ones that are so bad that they are kinda good. Of course, that's a quality that is in the eye of the beholder. I love a cheesy 1980's disco film called "Can't Stop the Music" which was terrible but starred the Village People and how can you not love a Village People movie where they sing YMCA in a YMCA with semi naked men around them. It's brilliant and I watched that movie dozens of times when I was a kid, dancing in the living room to the songs (I clearly didn't understand the homoerotic undertone until I was an adult but I still think it has a good beat and I'd dance to it.) One of the reasons I still like this film is that once you get the nuance and understand the background of the Village People (and yes, their sexual persuasion) you get that it was a huge inside joke. (Unfortunately, it took some time for people to appreciate the joke, and it killed Nancy Walker's directing career.) Plus it has the added bonus of a young Steve Guttenberg on roller skates, how much more could you ask for?



So when I read an article in Entertainment Weekly (I check it out at the library, it's a guilty pleasure) about the comedic cult following for a movie called "The Room" (you can read the article here) I wanted to see it. Now. But going to LA for a midnight showing isn't exactly feasible (although I'm up for a road trip if anyone else is game and I love the Laemmle Sunset 5 theater, it's right by the Laugh Factory). But I need to see this film. Apparently it's "Rocky Horror" meets horrible acting, terrible directing and awful writing. Woo Hoo. I am so there. It has garnered the attention of people like Rob Thomas, Paul Rudd, Kristen Bel and David Cross. When people like that, who's talent I respect and admire, tell you a movie is so bad it changed their lives, well that's a movie I need to see. I need to get the 'inside joke' too.

Okay, since I can't go to LA (seriously, road trip anyone? anyone?) I ordered the movie on Amazon. Less than nine dollars and free shipping. It was out of stock but I got an email last night that they got a copy and are shipping it to me this week. I can't wait. This movie has already inspired me, sight unseen, to write my next film. I'm going to have parties showing this film if it truly is what they say it is. I'm stocking up on plastic spoons as we speak. So, wanna come to my house and watch a bad movie? (And to cleanse ourselves, we can watch a good film afterwards.)