Goodbye cruel world. I could no longer live in a world where hand sanitizer is considered optional.
I hope that someone will care for my beloved cat, Mr. Clean. He is hairless and virtually allergen and dander free.
I leave my sister my Dyson vacuum. I know she will take care of it and always remember to clean the filter after every use.
For those who will find my body, please remove your shoes or cover them with the foot covers I have provided. There is a supply of latex gloves in the hall closet in case you forgot to bring your own. There are a variety of disinfectants and cleansers also in the hall closet, grouped by use and arranged alphabetically. Feel free to use any that you wish but be sure to put them back where you found them with the labels facing out.
I know that I leave this world for a better place. Heaven is clean and white and sterile and everyone washes there hands routinely and uses toilet seat protectors appropriately. Farewell.
P.S. This note was written on 40% post consumer paper. I have timed my death to coincide with the regularly scheduled trash pickup between 2:42 and 4:47 p.m., so please place this note in the bin marked “Paper” when you are done with it.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
Zen Moment for the day
In my neighborhood there is a house where a group of Buddhist monks live. One day as I was driving by one day, I saw a monk taking out the trash. It made me realize that no matter how enlightened we are, everyone has to deal with garbage. Think about it.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Curried Pumpkin Soup Recipe
Here's to the holiday....Happy Halloween Everyone!
Curried Pumpkin Soup
4 c. chicken broth
1 lg. onion, finely chopped
2 Tbsp. curry powder
1 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 Tbsp. salt
1/2 c. butter
4 c. half and half (I use fat free)
4 c. pureed pumpkin
white pepper to taste
graound red pepper to taste
Saute the onion in the butter until soft. Stir in the curry powder, cumin and nutmeg and saute about 2 minutes more. Stir in broth and pumpkin. In small batches run soup through the blender then put them back in the pan.Stir in half and half and heat through. Garnish with a squiggle of sour cream, 2 chives and a sprinkle of pumpkin seeds.
Curried Pumpkin Soup
4 c. chicken broth
1 lg. onion, finely chopped
2 Tbsp. curry powder
1 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 Tbsp. salt
1/2 c. butter
4 c. half and half (I use fat free)
4 c. pureed pumpkin
white pepper to taste
graound red pepper to taste
Saute the onion in the butter until soft. Stir in the curry powder, cumin and nutmeg and saute about 2 minutes more. Stir in broth and pumpkin. In small batches run soup through the blender then put them back in the pan.Stir in half and half and heat through. Garnish with a squiggle of sour cream, 2 chives and a sprinkle of pumpkin seeds.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Welcome
If you are reading this you are really, really bored. Seriously, don't you have something better to do? Well, if not, read on...these are just the ramblings of my mind, recipes and other radom happenings. I'm the eccelectic kind and you never know what you might find!
Death: An Owner's Manual
Welcome to Death.
We know that many of you were expecting instant eternal rest but a few things have to happen before that can take place. This manual will help streamline the process and answer the most frequently asked questions.
First, many have wondered why they have no clothes. It is not, as widely suggested, because you leave the Earth as naked as the day you were born into it. Frankly, it’s because so many people complained about the clothes their families picked out for them. That plus the fact that so many funeral directors were taking shortcuts and slitting clothes up the back for ease in dressing the deceased, which resulted in many people having their clothes just fall off of them. Of course the Great Creator could have fixed them, but frankly, he has better things to do than your tailoring. For those that ask why there are no heavenly robes available, we found that too many people were taking them and then getting angry when we charged their credit cards. So now, everyone is naked. Please remember that we are all perfect in the Great Creator’s eyes, so kindly refrain from any pointing or laughing.
On the questionnaire given to you when you arrived, you were asked to indicate your religion. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. It is merely used to place you appropriately for processing. As each religion deals with death differently, your answer to this question allows us to more easily determine your final destination. Before we began asking this question some of the dead were processed incorrectly, which can be quite confusing when a Christian is reincarnated or an Atheist is seated at the right hand of God. Also, please note that religions are grouped by major categories only (i.e., Christian, Jewish, etc.) It may be disconcerting for a Southern Fundamentalist to be seated on the bus next to a Gay Unitarian but, c’mon people, it’s all the same Jesus. If you are an atheist please check the box marked “None”, not “Other”. “Other” is for confused individuals like Scientologists, Heaven’s Gate cult members and Jedi’s - people who are in need of re-education as to the definition of “religion”.
Because all religions are grouped together during processing, please refrain from any “My God is better than your God” arguments, because He’s not. God, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, we hate to break it to you but there is just one Great Creator and He’s had to make a lot of concessions to allow you free will. So lighten up or there is going to be a whole lot of smiting going on.
Please do not inquire as to when Judgment Day is. It was yesterday.
There is a pool available for your use and enjoyment. However, no one here thinks it’s funny when you try to walk on water. Unless you were God before you got here (and trust us, you weren’t) then you aren’t God now. That also goes for trying to turn water into wine. If you want wine, contact the sommelier.
Christians, try to remember to always refer to the entrance to Heaven as “The Pearly Gates”, not “The Golden Arches”. “The Golden Arches” are a registered trademark of the McDonald’s Corporation and contrary to popular belief, there are a lot of lawyers in Heaven. For similar reasons, please make sure to call it the “Heavenly Kingdom”, not the “Magical Kingdom”.
Whether your final destination is Heaven, Hell or just Eternal Peace, we hope that you have enjoyed your death. And if your destination is reincarnation, we’ll see you again soon!
We know that many of you were expecting instant eternal rest but a few things have to happen before that can take place. This manual will help streamline the process and answer the most frequently asked questions.
First, many have wondered why they have no clothes. It is not, as widely suggested, because you leave the Earth as naked as the day you were born into it. Frankly, it’s because so many people complained about the clothes their families picked out for them. That plus the fact that so many funeral directors were taking shortcuts and slitting clothes up the back for ease in dressing the deceased, which resulted in many people having their clothes just fall off of them. Of course the Great Creator could have fixed them, but frankly, he has better things to do than your tailoring. For those that ask why there are no heavenly robes available, we found that too many people were taking them and then getting angry when we charged their credit cards. So now, everyone is naked. Please remember that we are all perfect in the Great Creator’s eyes, so kindly refrain from any pointing or laughing.
On the questionnaire given to you when you arrived, you were asked to indicate your religion. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. It is merely used to place you appropriately for processing. As each religion deals with death differently, your answer to this question allows us to more easily determine your final destination. Before we began asking this question some of the dead were processed incorrectly, which can be quite confusing when a Christian is reincarnated or an Atheist is seated at the right hand of God. Also, please note that religions are grouped by major categories only (i.e., Christian, Jewish, etc.) It may be disconcerting for a Southern Fundamentalist to be seated on the bus next to a Gay Unitarian but, c’mon people, it’s all the same Jesus. If you are an atheist please check the box marked “None”, not “Other”. “Other” is for confused individuals like Scientologists, Heaven’s Gate cult members and Jedi’s - people who are in need of re-education as to the definition of “religion”.
Because all religions are grouped together during processing, please refrain from any “My God is better than your God” arguments, because He’s not. God, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, we hate to break it to you but there is just one Great Creator and He’s had to make a lot of concessions to allow you free will. So lighten up or there is going to be a whole lot of smiting going on.
Please do not inquire as to when Judgment Day is. It was yesterday.
There is a pool available for your use and enjoyment. However, no one here thinks it’s funny when you try to walk on water. Unless you were God before you got here (and trust us, you weren’t) then you aren’t God now. That also goes for trying to turn water into wine. If you want wine, contact the sommelier.
Christians, try to remember to always refer to the entrance to Heaven as “The Pearly Gates”, not “The Golden Arches”. “The Golden Arches” are a registered trademark of the McDonald’s Corporation and contrary to popular belief, there are a lot of lawyers in Heaven. For similar reasons, please make sure to call it the “Heavenly Kingdom”, not the “Magical Kingdom”.
Whether your final destination is Heaven, Hell or just Eternal Peace, we hope that you have enjoyed your death. And if your destination is reincarnation, we’ll see you again soon!
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