Goodbye cruel world. I could no longer live in a world where hand sanitizer is considered optional.
I hope that someone will care for my beloved cat, Mr. Clean. He is hairless and virtually allergen and dander free.
I leave my sister my Dyson vacuum. I know she will take care of it and always remember to clean the filter after every use.
For those who will find my body, please remove your shoes or cover them with the foot covers I have provided. There is a supply of latex gloves in the hall closet in case you forgot to bring your own. There are a variety of disinfectants and cleansers also in the hall closet, grouped by use and arranged alphabetically. Feel free to use any that you wish but be sure to put them back where you found them with the labels facing out.
I know that I leave this world for a better place. Heaven is clean and white and sterile and everyone washes there hands routinely and uses toilet seat protectors appropriately. Farewell.
P.S. This note was written on 40% post consumer paper. I have timed my death to coincide with the regularly scheduled trash pickup between 2:42 and 4:47 p.m., so please place this note in the bin marked “Paper” when you are done with it.
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