Death: An Owner's Manual

Welcome to Death.
We know that many of you were expecting instant eternal rest but a few things have to happen before that can take place. This manual will help streamline the process and answer the most frequently asked questions.
First, many have wondered why they have no clothes. It is not, as widely suggested, because you leave the Earth as naked as the day you were born into it. Frankly, it’s because so many people complained about the clothes their families picked out for them. That plus the fact that so many funeral directors were taking shortcuts and slitting clothes up the back for ease in dressing the deceased, which resulted in many people having their clothes just fall off of them. Of course the Great Creator could have fixed them, but frankly, he has better things to do than your tailoring. For those that ask why there are no heavenly robes available, we found that too many people were taking them and then getting angry when we charged their credit cards. So now, everyone is naked. Please remember that we are all perfect in the Great Creator’s eyes, so kindly refrain from any pointing or laughing.
On the questionnaire given to you when you arrived, you were asked to indicate your religion. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. It is merely used to place you appropriately for processing. As each religion deals with death differently, your answer to this question allows us to more easily determine your final destination. Before we began asking this question some of the dead were processed incorrectly, which can be quite confusing when a Christian is reincarnated or an Atheist is seated at the right hand of God. Also, please note that religions are grouped by major categories only (i.e., Christian, Jewish, etc.) It may be disconcerting for a Southern Fundamentalist to be seated on the bus next to a Gay Unitarian but, c’mon people, it’s all the same Jesus. If you are an atheist please check the box marked “None”, not “Other”. “Other” is for confused individuals like Scientologists, Heaven’s Gate cult members and Jedi’s - people who are in need of re-education as to the definition of “religion”.
Because all religions are grouped together during processing, please refrain from any “My God is better than your God” arguments, because He’s not. God, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, we hate to break it to you but there is just one Great Creator and He’s had to make a lot of concessions to allow you free will. So lighten up or there is going to be a whole lot of smiting going on.
Please do not inquire as to when Judgment Day is. It was yesterday.
There is a pool available for your use and enjoyment. However, no one here thinks it’s funny when you try to walk on water. Unless you were God before you got here (and trust us, you weren’t) then you aren’t God now. That also goes for trying to turn water into wine. If you want wine, contact the sommelier.
Christians, try to remember to always refer to the entrance to Heaven as “The Pearly Gates”, not “The Golden Arches”. “The Golden Arches” are a registered trademark of the McDonald’s Corporation and contrary to popular belief, there are a lot of lawyers in Heaven. For similar reasons, please make sure to call it the “Heavenly Kingdom”, not the “Magical Kingdom”.
Whether your final destination is Heaven, Hell or just Eternal Peace, we hope that you have enjoyed your death. And if your destination is reincarnation, we’ll see you again soon!