Sage-free is okay!

So I had to cook a sage-free Thanksgiving due to Roberta's allergy to the herb. I was concerned, most especially for the stuffing. But I made my own poultry seasoning and it was delicious. I have given the recipe below, you could also add rubbed sage for a more traditional taste.

2 tsp. Rosemary

1 Tbsp. Thyme

2 tsp. Marjoram

1 Tbsp. Savory

1 tsp. celery seed

1 tsp. black pepper

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

1/4 tsp. cloves

Grind together in a spice grinder or with a mortar and pestle.

We also had Bourbon Sweet Potatoes, which was a Rachel Ray recipe (and you know how I feel about Rachel Ray but they were delicious in spite of her!). Picture is of the spread (forgive the bad lighting, I took it with my cell phone)

Good Golly

I read USA Weekend yesterday and they talked about Marcel Desaulnier's new cookbook and about how easy and delicious his "Golly Polly's Doodles" were. But no recipe! I was so disappointed. Then this morning I looked at my friend Patti's blog and there was the recipe! Patti, you ROCK! So here is is and I'll report back as to how they are when I make them.

Yield: 17 cookies

Dough:

1 1⁄2 cups all-purpose flour

1⁄2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1⁄2 teaspoon baking powder

1⁄2 teaspoon salt

8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into 1-tablespoon pieces and softened

3⁄4 cup granulated sugar

1⁄4 cup creamy peanut butter

1 large egg1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Filling:

1⁄4 cup creamy peanut butter

1⁄4 cup confectioners' sugar

1. Preheat the oven to 375°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment or wax paper.

2. In a sifter, combine the flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt. Sift onto a large piece of parchment or wax paper.

3. Place the softened butter, 1/2 cup of the granulated sugar, and the 1/4 cup peanut butter in the bowl of a stand electric mixer fitted with a paddle. Mix on low for 1 minute, then on medium for 1 minute more. Stop and scrape down the sides of the bowl and the paddle. Mix on medium-high for 1 minute. Scrape down again.

4. Add the egg and vanilla and beat on medium for 30 seconds; scrape down again once they have been incorporated. Turn the mixer down to low and gradually add the dry ingredients; mix until incorporated, about 30 seconds. Remove the bowl from the mixer, and use a rubber spatula or your hands to finish mixing the ingredients until thoroughly combined. Chill the dough in the refrigerator while making the filling. (Do not keep the dough in the refrigerator for more than 20 minutes; otherwise, the dough will be difficult to form into the desired shape.)

5. Place the 1/4 cup peanut butter and the confectioners' sugar in a clean bowl of a stand electric mixer fitted with a paddle. Mix on low for 20 seconds, then beat on medium for 10 seconds. Remove the bowl from the mixer, and use a rubber spatula to finish mixing until the ingredients are thoroughly combined. Portion 17 level teaspoons of the filling onto a piece of parchment or wax paper. Roll each portion into a smooth, round ball.

6. Using 1 heaping tablespoon or 1 level #50 ice-cream scoop, portion 17 pieces of dough. Roll each portion of dough into a smooth round ball, then flatten each ball in the palm of your hand into a 3-inch-diameter circle. Using your thumb, make a small indentation in the center of the dough. Place a filling ball in the indentation, then fold the dough around the filling and roll it into a smooth, round ball. Roll the balls in the remaining 1/4 cup granulated sugar to lightly coat.

7. Place the Doodles on the prepared baking sheet about 1 inch apart width wise and 2 inches apart lengthwise. Bake on the center rack of the preheated oven for 6 minutes (that's right-just 6 minutes), until barely firm. (Over baking will cause these cookies to become hard.) Remove the cookies from the oven and transfer to a wire rack to cool to room temperature. Store in a tightly sealed plastic container.

Thanksgiving Challenged

Normally I make an excellent Thanksgiving dinner. Beautifully roasted turkey, a moist and flavorful bread stuffing, gravy from homemade turkey stock and pumpkin pie to die for, with real (not canned) pumpkin. And I’ve been making this meal for years, so it’s a snap, right? I was even going to change it up a little, making sweet potato ravioli with browned sage butter (see recipe in a previous post).

My brother and Val are visiting Val’s family for Thanksgiving so it’s just going to be me, Mom, Gram, my uncle Stuart and his girlfriend, Roberta. Only 5 people so it’s a cinch, hardly anything at all. Then last night my uncle leaves me a message, asking what time dinner is, what do they need to bring, etc. And at the end he tells me that Roberta is allergic to sage, so I need to make accommodations for her.

No sage?!? In a Thanksgiving dinner? But there is sage in the stuffing (just try to find poultry seasoning that doesn’t contain sage, I dare you). And I make an herb butter to inject the turkey with (yup, sage in that). And the Browned Sage Butter DEFINITELY contains sage.

Now I’m the first one to understand what it’s like to have a food allergy. I’m allergic to caffeine (as most all of my friends know) and I’m used to drinking water, never ordering tea out and passing up the “Coca-cola cake” on the buffet table. I even question waiters relentlessly as to what kind of rootbeer their restaurant serves (Barq’s has caffeine, Mug and A&W don’t). So I understand and I’m very sympathetic. I will do all I can to keep Roberta safe. No sage shall even enter the house, lest she come into contact with it! But it’s definitely going to be a challenge.

Okay, so my herb butter will be sage-less and I’ll make my own poultry seasoning for the stuffing. It’s back to the drawing board for the sweet potato portion of the meal. I’m sure it will all be fine, this just threw a bit of a wrench in my plans, that’s all (okay, a really BIG wrench, but we’ll adjust)

Confession time…for the past few years I have been using store bought pie crusts for my pumpkin pie. I know, and I’m ashamed. But the Marie Calendar’s brand is pretty good and I’m not a huge crust fan so it really doesn’t matter to me. But a co-worker’s wife is attending pastry school at Le Cordon Bleu and she sent in a pumpkin pie (I love you Jocelyn!). The filling was good (not quite as good as mine since she used canned pumpkin and it had ginger in it which my family doesn’t like, and I agree, ginger is too strong against the subtle pumpkin flavor). But the crust was phenomenal. And I don’t like crust all that well. But this was flaky, crisp and just ever so slightly sweet. Gosh it was good. Now I used to make pie crust all the timeand it was pretty good, but nothing like this. So I’m going to make pie crust for the first time in years. I googled away and couldn’t find anything that specifically said it was Le Cordon Bleu’s recipe but I found one by a Cordon Bleu trained pastry chef and the recipe does contain sugar so I’m going to try it.

Here is the timeline for this week’s dinner.

Saturday night – stew down pumpkins (ask and maybe I’ll teach you my secret method!)
Sunday – make stock for gravy.
Monday – make cranberry sauce (not only is it delicious with dinner, but put some over cream cheese and serve with Ritz crackers as an appetizer, yum)
Tuesday – grocery store, make herb injection
Wednesday – bake pies, rolls, prep vegetables for stuffing, make mashed potatoes
Thursday – make the stuffing, stuff and roast turkey, make gravy, whip cream, collapse.

I’ll let you know how it goes!

Me, Meatballs and the Ikea Holy Grail

To most of the world, shopping at Ikea is no big deal. For someone who was born and raised in Las Vegas, Nevada (an Ikea-less zone) it was a revelation and my newest obsession.

To the Ikea uninitiated out there, Ikea is a home store extraordinaire. They have furniture, house wares, cookware, linens, pictures, decorative accessories, toys, even pet beds! The store is a massive two story structure so large that there are arrows directing you which way to go. They provide you with pencils, paper and even measuring tape to take with you as you peruse the displays. You can write down the aisle and bin number of the items you want to pick up in the self serve areas downstairs. You can look at a display and say, “gee, I like that bed, I think I’ll buy it” and write down the bed number. But if you are decorating challenged and you have ever seen a display and thought, “gosh, I wish I could just buy that whole room, I’d take it all”, well at Ikea you can do just that. There is a sticker on the ROOM to tell you how much it is!

If you have never been to an Ikea before and are planning your first visit, allow yourself about 6 hours. Yes, it will take you that long, longer even if you are with someone else. I suppose it is possible, if you have been to the store a bajillion times, to “just run in and pick something up real quick”. It is also possible to visit the Wynn buffet and “just grab a little salad” but it’s not very probable. Plan your visit with ample time to ooh, aah, and exclaim.

They are pretty smart, those Swedes who designed Ikea. They know it takes a long time to really look around, see everything, make decisions, to figure out what will fit where. So they put in a cafeteria style restaurant with delicious food at reasonable prices so that you can fuel up for the buying portion of your visit. There is a pretty limited menu of mostly Swedish inspired dishes with a daily special that runs the gamut depending on the Ikea location. Just trust me, get the Swedish Meatballs. A plate of 15 of them, served with a cream sauce, boiled potatoes and lingonberry sauce is only $4.99 with larger and smaller orders priced accordingly. There was also a luscious looking open faced shrimp sandwich that looked oh, so European (it was just a sliced hard boiled egg topped with shrimp and a dollop of mayo and a sprig of dill on dark bread but you rarely see open faced cold sandwiches in the USA.) The meatballs are small, dense and delicious with a hint of spice and a delicious cream sauce. You can add soup or salad for a dollar more but since I was in a Swedish mood I added a piece of Daim torte, a dessert thingy that looked like caramel and nut torte. It turns out that Daim is a Swedish candy bar with “crisp caramel”. Whatever it was, it was delicious! While it is cafeteria style and you have to bus your won tables, the food is served on real plates with real flatware and real glasses for your beverage in an open, airy window filled place that has a lovely little area to corral the small tykes.

Okay so being in California without a semi-truck to carry my booty back I had to stick to the small stuff, so in my 45 dollar splurge I bought: 8 mirrors, 4 mini mixing bowls, a wastebasket, a dried flower arrangement, 2 candles, a bamboo curtain and a really cute dog butt hook. (No, it’s not a hook to hang a dog from, it’s a hook that looks like the rear end of a dog, with the tail as a hanger.) If I’d had a truck I found 2 bookcases, a wardrobe and a dining set that I loved. I then spent another 15 bucks on a bag of the frozen meatballs, 3 packs of cream sauce mix, a jar of lingonberries and an insulated bag to bring it all home in.

I made a batch of the meatballs on Friday and they were just as delicious as they were at the store. Now I’m obsessed with them. I need more. So if you want to know what I want for Christmas, I want 3 bags of Ikea frozen meatballs and a case of sauce packets. Lingonberries optional. But I’ve been a really good girl this year, so if it’s too much for you to go to Ikea for me, you could just petition the Swedes to put one in Vegas, and I’ll get my own!

Gavin James Bailey

Gavin James Bailey
July 27, 2007 – October 28, 2007

The brightest stars that we can see in the sky are ones that have already burned out. Sometimes people are like that. They are only in our lives for a short amount of time but they shine so much brighter than anyone else. One of these people was a truly remarkable little boy named Gavin Bailey. He was born to giving and devoted parents who loved him very much. And he taught everyone whose lives he touched an incredible amount about strength and courage and resilience and hope.

I think that God chooses parents for a new soul and when He chose Lindsay and Jason to be Gavin’s parents, He certainly knew what He was doing. Not only did He choose parents that would love and support their son during the challenges of his short life, but He also saw to it that Lindsay and Jason would have the love and support that they needed, with a kind and generous and loving family to surround them with. The sheer will of this extended family gave Gavin all that he needed during his time on Earth.

It’s hard to understand the “why” when someone we love is taken from us, but when you see the impact Gavin made in so many lives, of the people who were touched by him even if they never met him, it must be of some comfort to know how truly special he was. To see his mother’s beatific smile as she held her son. To admire his constant patience with all of the things that were going on around him. To respect his family’s quiet perseverance during tough and trying times. And to feel the hope that he inspired with each day of his life.

To find words that can console the family on the loss of such a precious child is nearly impossible. But like the stars that shine in the Heavens, I believe that Gavin will always be with us and around us, guiding our lives with his example of just how much we can affect the lives of others, by being the pure embodiment of Love, and I hope they can find peace knowing his gentle spirit has made such and impact on the world.

Thank you Gavin.

Chicken Stew with Olives and Lemon

Here is another delicious fall recipe, although with the lemon flavors it could be served year round. Add some crusty bread to sop up the tasty sauce and a salad on the side and you have a rustic menu fit for royalty. (And it's low in calories too, less than 400 for a quarter of the recipe.) I know I have a lot of lemon going on lately but it's not as bad as my basil fetish!

1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into large cubes

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoons each salt and freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 large garlic cloves, minced

1 tablespoon capers, drained and minced

Grated zest and juice of 1 lemon

1/2 cup dry white wine

1 3/4 cups chicken broth

1 pound Yukon Gold potatoes, scrubbed and cut into 3/4-in. cubes

1 package (8 oz.) thawed frozen artichoke hearts, quartered if large

1 cup finely chopped flat-leaf parsley

1 cup pitted medium green olives

Preparation

1. Cut each chicken thigh into 2 or 3 chunks. In a resealable plastic bag, combine flour, salt, and pepper. Add chicken, seal, and shake to coat.
2. Heat oil in a large pot over medium-high heat. Add chicken (discard excess flour) in a single layer and cook, turning once, until browned, 4 to 5 minutes total. Transfer to a plate.
3. Reduce heat to medium. Add garlic, capers, and lemon zest and stir just until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add wine and simmer, scraping up browned bits from bottom of pan, until reduced by half, about 2 minutes. Add broth, potatoes, and chicken and return to a simmer. Lower heat slightly to maintain simmer, cover, and cook 10 minutes.
4. Add artichokes to pot and stir. Cover and cook until potatoes are tender when pierced, 8 to 10 minutes. Stir in parsley, lemon juice to taste, and olives. Season with additional salt and pepper to taste.

Sweet Potato Ravioli with Lemon-Sage Browned Butter

With fall finally upon us (okay people, in Vegas anything under 85 degrees is fall) here is a totally delicious recipe just right for cooler weather.

Don't worry, it's really easy and it's even good for you! (I got the recipe from the October issue of Cooking Light)

I cooked the sweet potato in the microwave the night before I made this dish. I also used a white sweet potato but it would have looked better with an orange one (labeled 'yams' in the supermarket).

I served it with cider braised greens and ham for a gourmet but still healthy and delicious twist on soul food. Enjoy!


Ingredients
1 (1-pound) sweet potato
2 tablespoons grated fresh Parmesan cheese
1/2 teaspoon salt, divided
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
24 wonton wrappers
1 large egg white, lightly beaten
6 quarts water
3 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon chopped fresh sage
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Preparation

Preheat oven to 400°.
Pierce potato several times with a fork; place on a foil-lined baking sheet. Bake at 400° for 40 minutes or until tender. Cool. (This is where I just microwaved) Peel potato; mash. Combine potato, cheese, 1/4 teaspoon salt and nutmeg in a small bowl.
Working with 1 wonton wrapper at a time (cover remaining wrappers with a damp towel to keep them from drying), spoon 1 tablespoon potato mixture into center of each wrapper. Brush edges of dough with egg white; bring 2 opposite corners to center. Press edges together to seal, forming a triangle. Repeat procedure with remaining wonton wrappers, potato filling, and egg white.
Bring 6 quarts water to a boil. Add 8 ravioli; cook 2 minutes or until done. Remove ravioli from pan with a slotted spoon. Lightly coat cooked wontons with cooking spray; keep warm. Repeat procedure with remaining ravioli.
Melt butter in a small skillet over high heat. Add chopped sage to pan; cook 1 minute or until butter is lightly browned. Stir in remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt, juice, and pepper. Drizzle butter mixture over ravioli.

Last Ever Lemon Bars

Okay, we went on a picnic yesterday and I made these lemon bars. My friend Patti gave me the recipe (which she got from the Barefoot Contessa). She promised me that they were perfect, with a thick, lemon curd-like filling, and she was almost right. I have tweaked the final recipe just a tad to make adjustments for my taste buds. I though the original recipe was a little too tangy (although my family disagree) so I cut back on the lemon juice and zest just a tad and added a bit of butter to the filling for an even more curd-like consistency. These are only a little more work than the traditional lemon bar recipe but so worth it for a much better bar. And if you like it really lemony, increase the lemon juice to 1 cup and zest to 2 tablespoons.

For the crust:

1/2 pound unsalted butter at room temperature

1/2 cup granulated sugar2 cups flour

1/8 t. kosher salt

For the filling:

6 eggs

2 Tbsp. melted butter

3 cups granulated sugar

1 T. grated lemon zest

3/4 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice (4-5 lemons)

1 cup flour

Confectioners sugar for dusting

Preheat oven to 350. For the crust, cream the butter and sugar until light. Combine flour with salt and add to butter until just mixed. Dump dough onto well-floured board and gather into a ball. Flatten with well-floured hands and press into 9 x 13 baking sheet, building up a 1 inch edge on all sides. Chill. Bake crust for 15 to 20 minutes until very lightly browned. Let cool on wire rack. Leave oven on.

For the filling, whisk together eggs, butter, sugar, lemon zest, lemon juice and flour. Pour over crust and bake for 30 to 35 minutes until the filling is set. Let cool to room temperature. Cut into bars and dust with confectioners sugar.

Ha Ha Ho

Okay, I love the pan fried wontons at the Full Ho restaurant here in Las Vegas, a chinese restaurant in a downscale shopping center that we have been going to for like 20 years. But it's not just the wontons I like, it's really the dipping sauce that comes with them. We guard that sauce with our lives so that we can put it on the rice or other dishes long after the wontons are gone. I have asked the lovely Chinese lady who runs the place many times for the recipe and she always laughs and says "secret recipe". Well, last night I made chicken-lemon potstickers with soy-scallion dipping sauce (got the recipe at http://www.myrecipes.com/, a truly great website) and found that with a couple of minor alterations the soy-scallion dipping sauce could be transformed into Full Ho's dipping sauce...so I have achieved a minor cooking miracle. I will now be making this by the pint to keep around!

My "Fuller than a Ho" Dipping Sauce

5 Tbsp. mirin (rice wine)

4 Tbsp. soy sauce

4 Tbsp. rice wine vinegar

1 tsp. chili paste with garlic

2 Tbsp. sugar

2-3 drops sesame oil

Mix together and enjoy on wontons, potstickers, lettuce wraps, fried rice, whatever!!!!

Stop and smell the laurels

Okay, so one of the cool things about entering film festival (and then actually getting into a film festival) is the laurel leaves.



Laurel leaves date back to ancient Rome and Greece where they were awarded to winners of athletic events, prized politicians, famed citizens, etc. Today we give gold medals or statues or stars on the walk of fame. But in the film fest world we get the official laurel leaves. These golden fronds fan words like "Official Selection" and "Grand Prize Winner".

In the picture I'm receiving a lovely plaque and flowers when my film "Supermodels" won the "Special Jury Prize for Originality of Vision" at the Las Vegas International Film Festival. It's a really nice plaque but it's heavy, bulky and hard to display all of the time, say when I'm just hanging out at the mall. Laurel leaves are easy to put on a poster, DVD or other promotional materials.

See the picture of the leaves for the FAIF International Film festival? They are pretty and portable! Hence a filmmakers love of the laurel leaves. You can tout your own accomplishments without having to carry around some festival bling.

Now the phrase you hear is "Don't rest on your laurels", meaning don't be content just on the things you have already done, keep striving for more. But why is resting on your laurels such a bad thing. I mean, you had to accomplish something pretty good just to get your laurels. So why can't you take a break and just enjoy where you are? They also say "stop and smell the roses", meaning take a moment to appreciate what you have.

So I say, stop and smell the laurels. Now, get back to your unfettered quest for more!

End of Summer Rolls

Okay, I know that Labor Day is the end of summer but try these summer rolls anyway. They are delicious!

Rolls:
1 pound cooked, peeled medium shrimp
4 ounces rice noodles
12 (8-inch) round sheets rice paper
1/4 cup hoisin sauce
3 cups shredded spinach
1/4 cup thinly sliced fresh basil

Dipping sauce:
1/3 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup water2 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
1 teaspoon minced peeled fresh ginger
1 teaspoon sambal olek
1 garlic clove, minced
2 Tbsp. sake

To prepare rolls:
Place rice noodles in a large bowl; cover with boiling water. Let stand 8 minutes; drain.
Add cold water to a large, shallow dish to a depth of 1 inch. Place 1 rice paper sheet in water. Let stand 2 minutes or until soft. Place rice paper sheet on a flat surface.
Spread 1 teaspoon hoisin sauce in the center of sheet; top with 2 to 3 shrimp, 1/4 cup spinach, 1/4 cup rice noodles and 1 teaspoon basil. Fold sides of sheet over filling, roll up jelly-roll fashion, and gently press seam to seal. Place roll, seam side down, on a serving platter; cover to keep from drying. Repeat procedure with remaining rice paper, hoisin sauce, shrimp, spinach, rice noodles and basil.

To prepare dipping sauce, combine soy sauce and remaining ingredients in a small bowl; stir with a whisk.

Sitcoms Aren't Dead, They're Just Playing Possum

The sitcom isn’t dead; it’s just in a cryogenic sleep. Everyone wants to pronounce it dead, stand over it's corpse, saying that people don’t want to watch sitcoms any more, but they are wrong. People don’t want to watch unfunny sitcoms any more. People would LOVE to watch sitcoms again, if they are truly funny.
Think I’m wrong? Okay, smarty pants, why are the number one rated syndicated shows all sitcom re-runs? Because people want to laugh. That’s why more people are getting their news from “The Daily Show with John Stewart”…it’s much funnier than “World News Tonight”. The most watched videos ion YouTube aren’t dramas. Lots of blockbuster movies are comedies. People flocked to see “Wedding Crashers” and “40 Year Old Virgin” because comedy, when it’s done well, is a gift. It uplifts you, takes you away from your problems and gives you a joke to tell around the water cooler the next day.
The reasons sitcoms are sleeping are many. Cheaper to produce reality TV, network executives too timid to give a show time to develop (ever watch the first season of “Friends”? It was terrible. I only watched the credits so I could hear the catchy song. But it hung on and became a great show), and a dearth of original thinking. The last one is the killer. Yes, sitcoms are, and should be to a slight extent, formulaic. I said formulaic, not clone copies. Today, if a sitcom does become successful, it’s duplicated so many times that the dead horse isn’t just beaten but completely pulverized. The truly great and memorable sitcoms were both formulaic and original at the same time.
Is there nothing original out there? Sure there is. The BBC puts out plenty of successful comedies, which we try unsuccessfully to copy here. And there are literally TONS of writers out there with ideas (Contact me if you want some scripts and I know a lot more writers with shows as well.). Some may not be great, but I bet if you pan through enough, you’ll strike gold. And we need it. It’s a pretty unfunny time right now, with the war, the economy and elections coming up. So we need sitcoms to help us through a rough time. NBC has only one new sitcom in it’s 2007-2008 season lineup. It’s not enough. We need the funny stuff and we need it now!

Film Festivals Are Like College

Okay, so my short film, SUPERMODELS didn’t get into CineVegas. Big deal, you say. It’s not exactly a tragedy on the scale of say, the genocide in Darfur or the war in Iraq or even the pet food scandal. But it still feels pretty painful to me.
In the mind of a writer/director, one’s film is like one’s child. You conceive it, you nurture it, your deliver it unto the world. Your want your child to succeed in life, to excel, to make you proud. Film festivals are like college. You’d love for your child to go to Harvard or Yale (Sundance and Slamdance). Because they are prestigious, well known and well respected. It’s doesn’t necessarily mean a better education but it is ‘perceived’ to be better. But you also know your kid’s odds of getting in are pretty small, unless your kid was valedictorian. (In the film world, that means your film was probably a big budget, had name actors, etc.) So you also apply to some good but not Ivy League schools, your Stanford or Duke. Which are still great schools, and you’d still kill to get in.
But maybe your kid’s SAT scores aren’t the tops, or his GPA wasn’t as high as you would like (maybe your film had sound problems or just a lower budget than the other films). So you hope that because you have an ‘in’ you’ll get in despite some issues. (CineVegas is in my hometown, so I was hoping that as a Nevada filmmaker we would get in). So if you don’t get in there, you feel like maybe people don’t appreciate your child. So what if he’s not the best student, he’s a great kid who always cleans his room, helps around the house and is pretty popular. Now as parents, we sometimes think our kids are say more attractive than they are. That’s not the case with my film. I know it has flaws but it’s still a pretty cute film with a lot going for it. So getting rejected is hard because I know if the right people see this film, its future is bright. I’m not saying that my kid is going to be President of the United States, just that it has potential.
So now we are waiting to hear from our ‘safety schools’. You know, smaller universities and junior colleges (smaller film fests, niche fests where comedy isn’t the red-headed stepchild). We’d still like to get in to a top 10 school, of course. And we’ll wait, praying for a fat envelope instead of a thin one (or fat email instead of thin email as the case may be.) No, it’s not a tragedy to not get in. But I still want the world to think my child is special.

Graduation Gifts 2.0

So, the latest trend in graduation gifts is plastic surgery. Yup, if you fulfill your high school requirements, maybe Mommy and Daddy will buy you a new nose or bigger boobs. Plastic surgery is now tops on teen wish lists for gifts for grads.
Let’s not even go into the inherent risks of plastic surgery or the icky message that Daddy buying your bigger breasts implies. Let’s talk about the core values we should be teaching kids. High school graduation is important, but let’s face it, it’s a pretty minimum requirement these days. You can’t do nearly as much in the future without a high school diploma. High school dropouts make less money (most below the poverty level) and have higher unemployment rates that those with a high school diploma. So yes kids, celebrate your accomplishment. But don’t expect extravagant gifts for it. The gift you should be grateful for is the economic opportunity your diploma affords you, as well as the advanced education you can now go on to.
The problem in this situation is parents with more money (or credit) than brains. In the ‘My Sweet 16’ generation, hoards of spoiled children are milking their rich parents for extravagant gifts. Plastic surgery is a natural extension of the desire of these over-indulged youths to have whatever they want without any regard for consequences.
Now, granted, I didn’t have rich parents. They couldn’t have thrown me a thirty thousand dollar birthday party even if they had wanted to. But what’s important is that they didn’t want to. They wanted to teach their children the value of working hard for something that they wanted, and the feeling you get when you achieve it. So for my graduation from high school, they patted me on the back and promised me free room and board at home while I attended the local university. My grandfather gave me an unabridged dictionary and my grandmother paid for some of my college freshman textbooks. Not exactly a trip to Europe, brand new car and a nose job, but they were gifts of love and learning, exactly what a newly minted high school graduate needed.
If your kid has a deformity and needs plastic surgery, by all means, help your child. But small breasts are not a deformity. There is no NEED for a double D chest, unless your daughter’s goal in life is to be a stripper. If you can provide your child with a vehicle to make their life easier, great, make it a low end used Toyota, not a high end new Lexus. The Toyota will still get your kid to school, it’s made by the same company and if your kid wants a Lexus, let him earn the Lexus.
In a few years, some of today’s high school graduates will be graduating from college. If they got an Escalade for their sixteenth birthday and a boob job for high school graduation, what can they possibly hope for next? Mansion in Malibu? A yacht? The Space Shuttle? How about we start a bit smaller, and give them something to look forward to, something to work towards? Let’s bring back that age old graduation gift…the pen and pencil set.

LOOK OUT FUTURE STEVEN KING'S

An eighteen year old high school senior was arrested in Illinois for disorderly conduct after he completed an English class assignment. In a “stream of consciousness” writing exercise, the boy expressed some violent ideas, and school authorities have since placed him in a secure lockdown environment.
In the wake of school shootings at Virginia Tech and the anniversary of Columbine, school authorities are vigilant to any sign that may point to potential “disgruntled” shooters. Apparently believing that the expression of violent thoughts leads to violent action, school officials have now appointed themselves the thought police. Yes, Big Brother is indeed watching.
I understand the desire to pinpoint and thwart future violence but words are not deeds. If so, Steven King would be one of the worlds most prolific serial killers and Quentin Tarrantino would be behind bars without the possibility of parole. The thought patrol would probably have to arrest just about every person in the world for disorderly conduct if our thoughts alone made us guilty.
Look, the guy who wrote the song “I Shot the Sheriff” never shot a sheriff, Steven King’s freezer isn’t full of human heads (at least not that I know of) and Hollywood is happily cranking out horror films because that’s what sells. Most serial killers don’t write their thoughts, feelings and plans down in a diary (boy, wouldn’t it make it easy for investigators and prosecutors if they did!) and those that do usually don’t do it far enough in advance to be of much use in preventing crime. Even if you believe in psychic powers, psychics are called in after the crime is committed…shouldn’t we be calling them in before? Nope, you can’t convict a person of their thoughts. Thoughts and words do not always become action (case in point, people think about sex about way more often than they actually have sex).
So be careful kids and make sure you only write about kittens and rainbows and unicorns. But not about killing kittens, that would be wrong. And rainbows are associated with the gay rights movement so make sure you write only about heterosexual rainbows, so no one starts to question your sexuality. And unicorns have that pointed horn on the tope of their head, that’s not safe if they puncture someone with it, plus it’s kind of phallic. Okay, forget kittens, rainbows and unicorns. Wait, I have it! The next time your teacher gives you a writing assignment, just refuse to do it. If they ask why, or try to fail you, assert your Fifth Amendment right to self-incrimination. Let’s see what the thought police say then.

It's Okay Alec Baldwin

I like Alec Baldwin. I know everyone is jumping on the “We Hate Alec Baldwin” bandwagon, but not me. I feel sorry for the man.
Don’t get me wrong, some of the comments he made to his daughter were wrong, in my opinion. There was probably a better way to handle it, and a different choice of words would have headed off this maelstrom of Alec bashing. But the last time I checked, Alec Baldwin was just a man, a human being, with all the faults and foibles thereof.
I listened to the voice-mail and it sounded to me like a man who was hurt, angry and in pain, and he lashed out at his daughter. Wrong? Maybe. Understandable and forgivable, you bet.
Ireland sounds like a girl who has been put in the middle of her parents divorce and residual anger. If we want to make Alec the bad guy for his inflammatory language towards his daughter, shouldn’t we also blame Kim for releasing the audio to the media and increasing her daughters discomfort a thousand fold? Children aren’t pawns to be used to make the other parent “pay”. They are innocent parties in a sometimes ugly war. Let’s leave them out of it. Kim has an obligation as a mother to help her child maintain a good relationship with the non-custodial parent.
Someday Ireland will grow up and hopefully she will want, and have, a loving relationship with both of her parents. But you don’t get there by starting at age eighteen. You start from day one. And you’ll make mistakes along the way. (Hint, hint Alex…have a long, civil talk with your daughter. Apologize for the error of your ways. Make a real effort to make the communication with your daughter about making the relationship work.) And then you try to fix the mistake and move on, trying not to make the same mistake happen over and over again. (Hint, hint Kim…leave the media out of your relationship with your ex. It just makes you look manipulative) And the child needs to feel free and open to express themselves as well. (Hint, hint Ireland…answer your dad’s calls and don’t let your parents drag you into their mess. You’ll have plenty of messes of your own, trust me.)
And to those people on the “You’re a rotten father” diatribe…Hint, hint, you shouldn’t judge a situation you know nothing about. Most of us couldn’t stand up to that kind of scrutiny. None of us is perfect, not even Alec Baldwin.