I have been doing some thinking lately. The Graminator needs full time care, mostly because of her mental state. Physically she's better, much better, so much so I'd say she's 90% back to where she was, which is awesome considering that just a month ago i was afraid she was going to die. But by full time care I mean that she has reached the 'terrible twos' and can't be left alone because you don't know what she's going to do next. Saturday I went to take a quick shower and came out to find her stripping off her clothes. After I got her re-dressed and settled on the couch I went to put some clothes on and heard the unmistakable sound of her taking off her diaper. I came out to find her sitting in poo. She told me the brief 'just fell off'. Sure, while you were sitting down, on the couch, it just fell off and onto the floor. See what I mean, it's like having a toddler, I have to watch her every minute or she's gonna flush her toys down the toilet.
I don't mind taking care of her, I love my family and would do anything for them. But it isn't quite what I expected when I took this sabbatical. It's been very difficult to write. And then I began thinking about when I was working. I got an email from my friend and former boss Jamie. I can't tell you how much I miss her. I'm crying a bit as I write this. I used to talk to her a thousand times a day, about everything. I miss that. I miss chatting with Jan at the front desk. I miss discussing food and movies with Pat. I miss getting hugs from Tammy when one or the other of us was having a rough time in our lives (I could really use a hug now.) I miss talking New Yawk with Antonia. I miss seeing Kelley's quilts and her office decorated for the holiday's. I miss talking politics with Julie K. I miss grumpy Glynn and hanging in the copy room with the runners, and Paul taking my trash every day. I miss Becky and Lisa and Julie A and Sabrina and Nathan and Bruce and Eric and Dave and LeAnn and Lonnie. I miss Mandi and Erin and Jasmin and Anne and treat Thursdays. I miss Kurt's emails and Jon O saying hi in the hallway and Karie and Seetal and Jen and Julie O. I miss Stephanie and Harriet and Lindsay and Kristee and visiting the basement. I could go on until I named every single person who ever worked at Alverson Taylor because of the incredible people I had the pleasure of being around. For seven years I worked with these people and I miss them. I defined myself by what I did and now that person no longer exists, and I miss her too.
Is WHAT I am WHO I am? If so, am I a writer? A filmmaker? A caregiver? A nothing? I'm afraid I'm losing my identity. What, if on this voyage of self-discovery, I find out that I lost myself? I'm not questioning my worth, I know that I am loved and that there are people who appreciate me. I'm asking, how do you determine who you are? No one ever asks a new person that they meet, "so, who are you?" They ask "what do you do?", as though our job is the deciding factor of who we are. So do you lose yourself when you change or don't have a job? I don't think your job is who you are, I know lots of people who hate their jobs so that can't be the definition. Is who you are your dreams and desires? Maybe, but I know lots of people who just dream of winning the lottery so they don't have to do anything so that's not an apt description either. I know you aren't your house or your car or your credit card. Your aren't your friends, despite what MySpace and Facebook users might think, because most of us have a wide and varied group of friends. You certainly aren't your family because as much as we love our families, we didn't exactly get a choice there. Because, as a friend once told me, if we had a choice, we'd all be Kennedys.
It's easy to define myself by what I do, but right now I'm doing everything AND nothing, so it's hard to pin down a description. And I'm certainly not where I thought I'd be in life, not what I though when I was a kid, not what I thought ten years ago, not even what I thought six months ago. Maybe it's getting older (yes, it's THAT day) and maybe it's just the place I'm at in my life. Do you remember when you graduated from high school. And your whole life stretched in front of you, shiny with promise but a little scary too? And you thought you had a plan and you thought that everything would happen exactly how you planned it? Well, that's how I feel right now, only older and wiser to the ways of life. So I'm hopeful and scared and, quite frankly, a little weary and a lot more jaded. My whole life is stretching out before me again. I hope I find me.
2 comments:
Boy, you know how to ask 'em, don't you? Before I make my feeble attempt at answering let me just say....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! And many many more!!!! :)
So, I've never been one to get into the whole "who am I and what is the meaning of life" kind of questions or discussions. In my younger days I always thought they were kind of stupid, maybe because I was afraid to give it too much thought. Now, I just think that there really isn't an answer. Or at least not one definitive answer. What you do, be it a writer, a teacher, a lawyer, or whatever only defines one part of you. I've come to think of it in terms of what is it in life that makes you happy. And there are so many things that go in to making you happy. Job, family, hobbies, etc.
I don't think it is possible for anyone to "lose themselves." I'm not even sure what that really means. What is possible is for life to throw its wicked curve balls and all of a sudden a person is leading a different lifestyle. And when one gets time to think about it they think they have lost control. And perhaps they have for a while. But they are the same person they were, just dealing with the different circumstances as best they can.
Life is about choices. Some we make on our own, and some get taken away from us. For those choices that do get taken away, it is up to us to do the best we can with what we get dealt and forever look for ways to improve what we can.
And I think we all get a little more jaded as we get older. It is inevitable. But what's important is to use the jadedness to aid in decisions rather than let it make us bitter.
I am sort of at a crossroads in my own life, so I understand many of your feelings. Some days I think I've got it all figured out, and others I think "How the heck did I get to this point?" But I am trying to maintain optimism and make the best choices I can.
So I know, dear Shae, that you are horribly overwhelmed right now and I wish that there was something I could do to help. But you are still the great person you have always been and I know you will get through this and come out on top. You rock!!!
Happy Birthday! Miss Identity Crisis!
I can joke about this because I go through it about every other day. I agree that your "work" is not who you are..unless you LOVE what you do and make it part of the definition of who you are. I say you are whoever you want to be, but there are lines between fantasy and reality. But who cares. As long as you can be who you want to be at least 10% of the time, you're golden. That made no sense really, but if I think too much about it, I'll probably depress myself. Just know that you have people supporting you no matter who you want to be or will be. :-)
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