Date With A Dummy

I wrote about how much I hate dating in a post last week and my friend Dyann said she actually liked dating because of the experiences she had. Good for her, but my experiences have been vastly different.

I have a sitcom that I wrote a few years back called "Glitter City" about a woman in Las Vegas and her life and workplace (it takes place backstage at a large production show, the kind with showgirls, etc. that are actually becoming extinct.) The pilot episode is titled "Date with a Dummy" because she goes out on a date with a guy she met on the Internet. He's a ventriloquist and she thinks she's dating him but she actually has a date with his dummy. Hilarity ensues. And the reason I wrote it is because it isn't far off from my actual Internet dating experiences. Let's hear some of the highlights, shall we?

The Druid High Priest - Yes, you read that correctly. A man who practiced a religion that had been dead for centuries which purportedly practiced ritual human sacrifice. Now I'm pretty tolerant of any one's beliefs and try not to judge (Pagans are people too) but this was just a little off the meter. Bzzzz, next contestant please.

The Cheapskate - While on a date at a very upscale shopping esplanade in Las Vegas, he asked me if I had ever tried a certain type of candy. When I said I hadn't, he took me to a candy shop. Where he asked the woman at the counter to give me a free sample. Bzzzz.

The Race Car Driver - After several really pleasant weeks getting to know each other, first via email, then via telephone, we made plans to meet. Upon first looking at me (in a way that I quite quickly and painfully understood to mean that the wonderful chemistry we had found earlier telephonically had evaporated at first sight) he said, "I thought you would have longer hair" to which I reminded him that I had told him repeatedly on the phone that my hair was short, plus he had seen a picture of me with short hair. He said, "I know, I just thought it would be long." After a half an hour of stilted and awkward conversation, in which he mentioned the hair thing several more times, we parted ways and never spoke again. Maybe I should have bought a wig. Bzzzz.

The Comedian - He described himself as being a cross between John Belushi and John Candy. If he was, it wasn't the best of either one. He was so unfunny, he heckled himself. One miserable drink and I faked an emergency phone call to leave. Bzzzz.

The Stalker - After one date, where he introduced me to his three cats and discussed his love of writing erotic fiction involving plus-sized women, he proceeded to call me, several times a day, every day, for months. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested, that I was seeing someone else, anything to get him to stop, but he still called. Eventually the calls tapered off to once a month, 'just checking' to see if I was ready for a relationship with him yet. I wasn't. Finally I moved and got a new phone number. Bzzzz.

And lest you think these are just random Internet related experiences, let me relay these other dating disasters.

The Cowboy (aka Stalker 2) - We met at a karaoke bar one night when I went out with my friend Crazy Carrie (should have been my first warning, huh?) and while he seemed like a nice guy early on - he complimented my singing, which to anyone who has heard me sing knows to be just wrong, and bought me many drinks and coerced my phone number, then tried to coax me into leaving with him. Crazy Carrie got me home safely that night, but I endured increasingly tougher, meaner, more demanding phone calls. I even had my brother record my voice mail message to throw him off. Finally my brother had a "conversation" with him and the phone calls stopped. Good to have a brother who is a black belt. Bye bye Cowboy. Bzzzz.

The Mystery Date - Have you ever been on a date you didn't know was a date till you were halfway through? I have. I was asked by a co-worker to attend a birthday party for his sister. I don't date co-workers as a rule but since this was supposed to be a big get together (I thought) at a popular and crowded bar I went, figuring to have a drink and go home. When I arrived, I was shown to a private room in the back, where a private table of five couples and the Mystery man were already seated. Curious, but not suspicious, until he insisted on paying for my dinner (hmm, I thought, am I on a date?) then we went to a local comedy club where he again paid for me (hey, I think I'm on a date) then onto a popular nightclub (this sure feels like a date). Just as I was getting accustomed to being on the date (I would have preferred being asked instead of tricked but it was going alright so I went with it) we danced. Now I give props to any man who is willing to dance, and I love to dance, and the Mystery man was an, er, well, enthusiastic dancer. So, um, enthusiastic, that we were literally the center of attention. It was like dancing with an epileptic member of Riverdance. So after several songs worth of dancing (it felt like twenty but it was in reality more like four or five) he asked if I wanted to sit and have a drink. Yes, I did, I really, really did. So we headed back to our table only to find it occupied by two women. Now, while we had left our drinks and things and that should have 'reserved' our table, it was of course a busy club so I figured we would move to another table or stand at the bar. But my date suddenly turned into a raging maniac and began to loudly, with increasingly foul language and drawing even more attention than the spastic dancing, berate the women who had sat down at the table. it was not embarrassing, it was humiliating. Imagine dancing with Bruce Banner then suddenly he turns into the Incredible Hulk when your table is occupied. I was mortified. (Oh my heck, I'm on a date with a lunatic!) I asked to be taken back to my car soon after and endured an uncomfortable working relationship after that. (Hence, why I don't date co-workers.) Hopefully he has had anger management classes (my guess is that they were court mandated) and dancing lessons. Bzzzz.

Okay, now do you comprehend why I don't like dating? Yes, these were the worst of the bunch, but honestly, the best haven't been all that great. There was the boyfriend that slept with my best friend (both are ex now) and the guy I dated that came out of the closet soon after (since I believe that homosexuality is nature not nurture, I try not to take that one too personally.) So please forgive me for not enjoying the experience as much as Dyann. I still believe in love, I do, I wouldn't be a romance writer if I didn't. But all the frogs you have to go through to find your prince, well it can be a little overwhelming sometimes. Still, I hope that my Mr. Close Enough is out there, waiting for me, and hopefully not waiting for parole. A girl can dream.