Date With A Dummy

I wrote about how much I hate dating in a post last week and my friend Dyann said she actually liked dating because of the experiences she had. Good for her, but my experiences have been vastly different.

I have a sitcom that I wrote a few years back called "Glitter City" about a woman in Las Vegas and her life and workplace (it takes place backstage at a large production show, the kind with showgirls, etc. that are actually becoming extinct.) The pilot episode is titled "Date with a Dummy" because she goes out on a date with a guy she met on the Internet. He's a ventriloquist and she thinks she's dating him but she actually has a date with his dummy. Hilarity ensues. And the reason I wrote it is because it isn't far off from my actual Internet dating experiences. Let's hear some of the highlights, shall we?

The Druid High Priest - Yes, you read that correctly. A man who practiced a religion that had been dead for centuries which purportedly practiced ritual human sacrifice. Now I'm pretty tolerant of any one's beliefs and try not to judge (Pagans are people too) but this was just a little off the meter. Bzzzz, next contestant please.

The Cheapskate - While on a date at a very upscale shopping esplanade in Las Vegas, he asked me if I had ever tried a certain type of candy. When I said I hadn't, he took me to a candy shop. Where he asked the woman at the counter to give me a free sample. Bzzzz.

The Race Car Driver - After several really pleasant weeks getting to know each other, first via email, then via telephone, we made plans to meet. Upon first looking at me (in a way that I quite quickly and painfully understood to mean that the wonderful chemistry we had found earlier telephonically had evaporated at first sight) he said, "I thought you would have longer hair" to which I reminded him that I had told him repeatedly on the phone that my hair was short, plus he had seen a picture of me with short hair. He said, "I know, I just thought it would be long." After a half an hour of stilted and awkward conversation, in which he mentioned the hair thing several more times, we parted ways and never spoke again. Maybe I should have bought a wig. Bzzzz.

The Comedian - He described himself as being a cross between John Belushi and John Candy. If he was, it wasn't the best of either one. He was so unfunny, he heckled himself. One miserable drink and I faked an emergency phone call to leave. Bzzzz.

The Stalker - After one date, where he introduced me to his three cats and discussed his love of writing erotic fiction involving plus-sized women, he proceeded to call me, several times a day, every day, for months. I tried to tell him that I wasn't interested, that I was seeing someone else, anything to get him to stop, but he still called. Eventually the calls tapered off to once a month, 'just checking' to see if I was ready for a relationship with him yet. I wasn't. Finally I moved and got a new phone number. Bzzzz.

And lest you think these are just random Internet related experiences, let me relay these other dating disasters.

The Cowboy (aka Stalker 2) - We met at a karaoke bar one night when I went out with my friend Crazy Carrie (should have been my first warning, huh?) and while he seemed like a nice guy early on - he complimented my singing, which to anyone who has heard me sing knows to be just wrong, and bought me many drinks and coerced my phone number, then tried to coax me into leaving with him. Crazy Carrie got me home safely that night, but I endured increasingly tougher, meaner, more demanding phone calls. I even had my brother record my voice mail message to throw him off. Finally my brother had a "conversation" with him and the phone calls stopped. Good to have a brother who is a black belt. Bye bye Cowboy. Bzzzz.

The Mystery Date - Have you ever been on a date you didn't know was a date till you were halfway through? I have. I was asked by a co-worker to attend a birthday party for his sister. I don't date co-workers as a rule but since this was supposed to be a big get together (I thought) at a popular and crowded bar I went, figuring to have a drink and go home. When I arrived, I was shown to a private room in the back, where a private table of five couples and the Mystery man were already seated. Curious, but not suspicious, until he insisted on paying for my dinner (hmm, I thought, am I on a date?) then we went to a local comedy club where he again paid for me (hey, I think I'm on a date) then onto a popular nightclub (this sure feels like a date). Just as I was getting accustomed to being on the date (I would have preferred being asked instead of tricked but it was going alright so I went with it) we danced. Now I give props to any man who is willing to dance, and I love to dance, and the Mystery man was an, er, well, enthusiastic dancer. So, um, enthusiastic, that we were literally the center of attention. It was like dancing with an epileptic member of Riverdance. So after several songs worth of dancing (it felt like twenty but it was in reality more like four or five) he asked if I wanted to sit and have a drink. Yes, I did, I really, really did. So we headed back to our table only to find it occupied by two women. Now, while we had left our drinks and things and that should have 'reserved' our table, it was of course a busy club so I figured we would move to another table or stand at the bar. But my date suddenly turned into a raging maniac and began to loudly, with increasingly foul language and drawing even more attention than the spastic dancing, berate the women who had sat down at the table. it was not embarrassing, it was humiliating. Imagine dancing with Bruce Banner then suddenly he turns into the Incredible Hulk when your table is occupied. I was mortified. (Oh my heck, I'm on a date with a lunatic!) I asked to be taken back to my car soon after and endured an uncomfortable working relationship after that. (Hence, why I don't date co-workers.) Hopefully he has had anger management classes (my guess is that they were court mandated) and dancing lessons. Bzzzz.

Okay, now do you comprehend why I don't like dating? Yes, these were the worst of the bunch, but honestly, the best haven't been all that great. There was the boyfriend that slept with my best friend (both are ex now) and the guy I dated that came out of the closet soon after (since I believe that homosexuality is nature not nurture, I try not to take that one too personally.) So please forgive me for not enjoying the experience as much as Dyann. I still believe in love, I do, I wouldn't be a romance writer if I didn't. But all the frogs you have to go through to find your prince, well it can be a little overwhelming sometimes. Still, I hope that my Mr. Close Enough is out there, waiting for me, and hopefully not waiting for parole. A girl can dream.

Blah Blah Blog

Some days it's easy for me to come up with an idea for a post. Some days it's like pulling a rabbit out of my...well, you know where. Trying to decide what will be interesting to you, Loyal Readers, without being too "Dear Diary, I met the cutest boy today..." I get the most views when I post embarrassing stories or pictures of myself (dominatrix anyone?) or put celebrity names in my post labels. My life isn't really all that interesting yet tens of people read my blog every day. (And readership is actually growing, although the why still escapes me.) I'd love to hear from you as to the topics that you would like me to expound upon.

For today, in the interest of giving people what they seem to want, I'm going to tell you ten embarrassing things about myself and list ten celebrities.

1. I have never seen the movie "E.T." I don't want to see it. I'm sure it's wonderful but I couldn't be less interested. Sorry, Mr. Spielberg.

2. My nickname in high school was "Chez Moi." Because everyone was taking French (wasn't that smart of us?) and "Chez" is pronounced like my name. Only when they called me "Chez Moi" (which means "my house") they pronounced it 'shezzzz'. Fortunately, this nickname was given to me by Giovanna Sardelli and she graduated my sophomore year and everyone forgot it after that. And it wasn't as bad as this guy I knew, Brian Hess, whose nickname was "Squid".

3. I didn't learn to drive until after I graduated from high school. I might never have learned if my mother hadn't gotten tired of driving me to work and she sure as hell wasn't going to drive me to college every day. I was a really timid driver and would panic whenever I stalled the car and traffic would back up and people would start honking at me. (My mom once flipped a guy off when he did that. And she's not the flipping off kind of woman.) What's funny to me now is that I'm a really good (and fairly assertive) driver - all those years of driving in Los Angeles - while my mom, who taught me, is really timid and won't drive unfamiliar routes or make left hand turns.

4. The only macaroni and cheese I like comes out of a blue box. I know, I'm a gourmet cook, so I should like some fancy truffled mac or something. But only the blue box (made with extra powdered cheese) tastes like I think it should. But it must be eaten as soon as it's made. Let it sit and it's gross. Reheating does not work. And while I'm admitting to junk food likes, I should also disclose that I love Spaghetti-o's and Chef Boyardee Ravioli too.

5. My father once told me, when I was about fifteen years old, that I was the biggest disappointment in his life. He was referring to the fact that I was fat. It took me many years to finally realize that his problem with my weight was just that, HIS problem. And the worst part, for me, was that it wasn't the cruelest thing he ever said to me. I'm an adult now and I can forgive him. I loved my father, and in his mind he was trying to help me. But the scars remain.

6. I failed college algebra. Twice (well, it would have been twice but I wised up and dropped the class before I could fail again.) I had to give up and take something else. I can do math, honestly, I'm actually pretty good at normal math but algebra and my brain do not mix. And I'm actually okay with basic algebraic equations until it gets to the graphing part and signs and cosigns and then at that point all I hear is the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons "Wa Wa Wa Wa Wahhhh". My friend Traci (hi Traci!) is a math genius (and I mean genius in the literal sense) and I was always so jealous of her math ability. I still am.

7. I cut my toenails wrong. I cut them round instead of straight across. No one told me when I was a kid to cut straight across so I always just followed the curve of the nail. The problem is, that leads to ingrown toenails. A lot of ingrown toenails. So you have to keep cutting them round and very, very short. I hate getting pedicures because the pedicurist always yells at me. And I have to get a pedicure for the wedding. Ugh.

8. I was once a phone sex operator. For about a day. See, I have a really good voice on the phone. Random wrong numbers will actually hit on me over the phone ('cuz that's the kind of guy I'm looking for, one who can't even dial correctly.) And I needed a second job. So I applied for a 'phone actress' job in the paper when I was nineteen. I was hired immediately during my phone interview. Then the woman gave me 'training'. I slowly began freaking out. By the time she got to how to handle clients who were into bestiality, I was in full blown panic. I took one call, hung up on the man about half way through and never did it again (okay, maybe once or twice with a boyfriend who traveled a lot, but that was different.)

9. I have a tattoo. It's very small and well concealed. I'm not a 'tat' kind of girl. But they are permanent. That's all I'm saying.

10. I haven't had a date in over 15 months. You do the math.

Okay, end of embarrassing. On to celebrities. Here is the list of ten celebrities I would have sex with (my 'free' list, as it were.) Don't judge.

1. Ben Affleck
2. Dane Cook
3. Colin Firth
4. Owen Wilson
5. Robert Redford (I said don't judge!)
6. Tyler Florence
7. Gerard Butler
8. Christopher Meloni
9. Ryan Reynolds
10. A threesome with Will Farrell and Paul Rudd (I can feel you judging, but it's not like it could happen.)

Single Girl

Planning my brother's wedding has made me think about my single status. Not that I'm unhappy being single, quite the contrary. I enjoy my freedom and I have a lot of family responsibilities that take up my time. But every now and then, I wish for a date, just a nice evening with intelligent conversation or a nice relationship with a member of the opposite sex with some companionship and courtship.

Then I jump back into the dating pool and remember why the hell I got out in the first place.

First of all, it's hard to meet people. Las Vegas is full of night clubs and bars and hipster hang outs. But I don't drink, I'm not a hipster and I like to be in bed by 11. Pus, I'm not a twenty-five year old surgically enhanced anorexic with porn star potential which seems to be the type of girl most admired at these places. And Las Vegas has no last call, so I don't even have the desperation factor in my favor. I've tried all alternative meeting places that the magazines suggest, like the grocery store or the book store. I will admit that I do get hit on occasionally at the grocery store but it's always by someone really creepy who stalks me for like ten aisles. And they usually don't speak English. I never get approached at the book store, but it is quite possible that I get too involved in the books to even notice if I did. (And I spend way too much money at the bookstore to hang out there on a regular basis.)

So then I turn to the Internet. Now I don't knock the Internet as a place to meet people. My brother met his fiancee online. But I have about as much success as a Republican in Congress right now. I reactivated my profile on two sites recently and so far I've been propositioned (not in a good way) a half dozen times. if I ever decided to become a prostitute, I could easily start my client list on one of these two dating sites. I get more offers from guys from out of town that are just coming to town for the weekend and "can they take me to dinner and a show?" When I respond "Sure, but I'm not sleeping with you", I never hear from them again, isn't that strange? The other site purports to match you based on compatibility but based on my matches it seems like the compatibility is more like "hey, this guys seems desperate and so do you so here you go!"

I don't think I'm asking for too much when I say that whomever I date must be fairly intelligent. I'm not talking genius but I prefer someone who isn't monosyllabic. Hey, I think I'm pretty flexible when it comes to less important things like felony convictions but I need someone who can speak (and write) in full and complete sentences. The emails I get from these men make text messages seem like "War and Peace" in comparison. I tried to engage one man in an exchange of information and was rewarded with an email consisting of four words, all spelled incorrectly, in no particular semblance of order. I'm not sure if I was supposed to read it as much as decode it. I can live with bad spelling or punctuation (not a fan, but I can grit my teeth and bear it) but I can't handle complete illiteracy. I'm a writer for crying out loud, words (and their order) are important to me.

I did attend a convention of very high IQ people in the hopes of meeting someone with an intellect, wit and ability to converse but instead found a high percentage of sex crazed, well, perverts. (Apparently this is common as more than one person referred to it as "dirty old Mensan" syndrome and said many young women were scared off from ever attending again. I know how they felt, as I have never been back either.) Please do not hate me, Mensa members, for pointing this out, but you are the ones who had to institute a 'hug dot' policy. (Name badges were color coded as to whether or not you felt open to being randomly grabbed by strangers. Green is yes, red is no and yellow is ask first.) I don't think that smart people shouldn't be as twisted as the rest of the population, I just expected them to be a bit more discreet about it. Of course, if I should ever want to join into a spirited discussion of both Esperanto and S&M, I'll know where to go.

So I'm giving up again. I envy those of you that have found your husbands and boyfriends. I'd love to have one. But I can't take all the stuff you have to go through to get there!

Wedding Plans

The big day for my brother and Val is only three months away. We still aren't done with, well, anything, but I have been giving them three tasks to do each week. It's tough because Val is working really hard on finishing her Master's thesis and the wedding has taken a sort of back seat.

Will and Val are a quirky couple and their wedding is kind of quirky too (hence our flip flop footwear with formal gowns). They are getting married at the Clark County Heritage Museum (before the peanut gallery begins to argue that there is no history in Vegas, let me state that there is.) The museum has various exhibits on the history of Nevada, but the area where the wedding will be is called "Heritage Street". It is a small, tree lined street with different houses from the turn of the century to the mid-fifties that have been restored and furnished as a living history exhibit. At the end of the street is a gazebo, which is where the wedding will be. They don't usually have weddings there but Val and Will asked the board to let them and they agreed. They will make a donation to the museum and in exchange they can have the ceremony there. Our family has lived in Las Vegas for more than half of it's modern history so it means a lot to them to celebrate the side of Las Vegas that most people never see. The museum will put out benches for the guests and we aren't going to decorate much because it's such a unique place to begin with. We might just decorate the gazebo a bit.

The reception will be at the Boulder Dam Hotel in Boulder City. It's about twenty minutes away from the museum so guests will park at the hotel, then a shuttle to and from the museum will be provided. There is a DVD player in the shuttle so I'm making a video with some history (both Vegas and the happy couple's) for the ride. There will be time after the ceremony for guests to browse the exhibits and explore the museum while the bridal party takes pictures. Then it's back to the hotel.

The Boulder Dam Hotel is an historic place in its own right. It was built while the dam was being constructed. It has housed many famous guests, like Howard Hughes, Betty Davis, Henry Fonda and the future Pope Pius XII. The Cornelius Vanderbuilt Jr.'s honeymooned there (Will and Val are staying there on their wedding night too.) It's a pretty hotel with lots of history and Boulder City is this oasis of old-fashioned in a sea of constant change that is the Las Vegas valley. There is no gambling in Boulder City (one of only two cities in all of Nevada where it's illegal to gamble.) It's a truly charming small town.

The reception will be informal, just a light afternoon repast with a menu of appetizers, including sliders. Which is the inspiration for the first wedding favor, miniature bottles of Heinz ketchup personalized with the bride and groom's names and wedding date. The other wedding favor has a more Vegas-y theme. Music will just be on an iPod and of course the cakes will be my cupcakes, decorated with cherry blossoms. (The theme(s) for the wedding are cherry blossoms and Vegas history, I told you it was quirky.) And the reception will end early enough that family can go to dinner afterward or just go explore Boulder City. With only forty guests, it really should be a fun way to celebrate friends, family and love. Awww.

I am working on the invitations right now. They will be vellum over a photo collage of old Vegas.

Thanks, Maura, for asking about the wedding plans. Now if I can just get the bride and groom in gear. I keep telling them it has to get finished, but I'm not sure this is their first priority. I understand that they have really busy loves, but weddings take work. Oh well, this may be the only wedding I ever get to plan. (More on my sorry single state tomorrow.)

The Graminator's Eyes

Can't write too much today, I have to take The Graminator in for a quick eye procedure.

She had cataract surgery years ago and has developed a film that makes her vision cloudy. She will have a quick and painless laser eye procedure (called yag laser capsulotomy) that will make her vision better. Isn't aging fun?

The only thing that I'm concerned about is that you need to hold really still and she and I have both had a croupy cough this week. I'm going to give her some cough medicine so she doesn't have a coughing fit during the procedure.

It should be a pretty uneventful day, but I have to go to Old navy and see if they have their flip flops in stock or if I have to order them off the Internet. Did I mention that Val and I are wearing flip flops at the wedding? Yes, with my formal dress and her wedding gown we are wearing pink flip flops decorated with gerbera daisies. Are we too cool or what? That's the find of wedding this is going to be, fun and funky. We actually have accomplished one task. Only 587 more to go!

Have an awesome day, Loyal Readers!

My Latest Masterpiece

Cezanne worked with watercolors. Van Gogh worked with oils. Rodin worked with marble and clay. My preferred medium is... frosting.

These are the cupcakes for The Graminator's birthday (she had a lovely time and thanks to all who wished her well!) I wish I could take credit for the genesis of the idea but actually my brother suggested it. He said, "Wouldn't a 'Take 5' cupcake be good?" And I thought, "Yes, yes it would."

For those who don't know (and how could you not?) a "Take 5" is a candy bar with a pretzel topped with caramel, peanut butter, peanuts and covered with chocolate. So here is my first attempt at the deconstructed "Take 5". It's a chocolate cupcake filled with caramel ganache, topped with peanut butter frosting, chocolate ganache and a pretzel. There is also pretzel in the cupcake and I tried this several ways but no matter how I put it in the cupcake, it got soggy. Also, the caramel ganache (which took me 5 batches of caramel to get right) got lost in flavor to the delicious (but very peanut buttery) peanut butter frosting. So while these rated a 4 out of 5 on the nummy scale, they still could be better. For the next attempt, the chocolate cupcake will contain little caramel bits and be filled with a peanut butter filling, topped with chocolate frosting and crushed pretzels. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is the perfect cupcake. But no one seems to mind my experimentation.

The final flavors for the wedding cupcakes has been decided. They are: chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, tiramisu cupcakes (coffee cupcakes with tiramisu filling and cocoa frosting), cherry cheesecake cupcakes (tart cherry cupcakes with a cinnamon graham bottom with cheesecake frosting), and coconut. All four will get one last test run to make sure they are perfect for the wedding. I will be making two dozen of each flavor so that each wedding guest can have two cupcakes of their choice. Each cupcake will be topped with a cherry blossom of sugar paste. They still haven't chosen the flavor for their wedding cake which will just be a small cake on the top of the display.

And speaking of masterpieces, I'm almost done with the 2 projects I'm working on. I don't want to jinx it but I should be done with them by the end of the month. And tonight is the first read through of the major motion picture I'm starring in. (I just love saying that even though it's probably not as lofty as it sounds.) And of course, for the read through I'm bringing....cupcakes! (See, I could tie this all together.) Have a great day Loyal Readers!

Happy Birthday Dear Graminator

Tomorrow, The Graminator will turn 88. And while it's been a tough year, she's still amazing. Every day we laugh. Deep, happy belly laughs. She may be losing her memory but not her sense of humor. She is so patient and calm, even when I'm agitated and frustrated.

She has lived an amazing life. She was born in Beech Lick, West Virginia, a town so small it isn't even on the map. They moved to the 'bigger' city of Salem so she could go to high school (Salem has a population of two thousand so bigger is definitiely subjective.) During WWII, she was a "Rosie the Riveter" working at a Westinghouse plant in Fairmont, WV spraying vacuum tubes. She lived with three roommates in a one bedroom apartment and they all shared one bed when a brother or boyfriend would visit. She married my Grandfather after the war and was a loyal Navy wife. She had to move her three children every couple of years and move wherever she was told. She was a 'single mom' in the sense that when her husband was on the ship she had to do it all (he was gone for nine months at a time.) And that little girl from Beech Lick lived in Hawaii and Japan and California and Washington and Kentucky before finally coming to Las Vegas.

I always thought she was so glamorous and perfect. Now I change her diaper. But I love her even more than ever. She's not so glamorous but she is kind and patient and still full of stories, even though they come out of left field now. It's tough to watch her Alzheimer's but she still smiles and laughs and loves as much as ever.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Lost in Lost in Austen

Sorry for the lateness of the post Loyal readers but I have spent the most enjoyable morning watching "Lost in Austen", a must see for any fan of Jane Austen or "Pride and Prejudice".

It is the funny, quirky tale of Amanda Price, a modern day Brit who loves to read her Jane Austen novels and day dreams about what life was like in Austen's time. One day she finds the heroine of "Pride and Prejudice", Elizabeth Bennet, in her bathroom and her tub contains a doorway to Lizzy's world. But like Alice in Wonderland, Amanda finds that all that she knows from Jane Austen's book may not be correct after all. And Amanda turns the Bennet world upside down as well. Suddenly Jane is married to Mr. Collins, Charlotte Lucas is off to Africa, Caroline Bingley is a lesbian and Charles Bingley has run off with Lydia. Not to mention that the evil Mr. Wickham is really a good guy at heart. One thing never changes and that is Mr. Darcy. Infuriating, irritating and handsome as ever. Poor Amanda knows she has to make everything right even if it means heart break for herself.

As a fan of the BBC show "Hex", I was glad to see Jemima Rooper (who was the lesbian ghost Thelma on "Hex") playing Amanda. She's a hoot and such an every girl that you can't help but root for her even when you know that "Pride and Prejudice" ends with Darcy and Lizzy living happily ever after. She's not just a fish out of water but a fish out of time. Also from "Hex" is Christina Cole, who plays Caroline Bingley with the haughty aristocraticness we have come to know and hate. She's perfect and I loved the line when Amanda says "I never understood your character". I don't know much about Elliot Cowan, the actor who plays Darcy, and he's no Colin Firth (even Amanda admits that) but he's perfectly arrogant and a great sport, especially when Amanda asks him to get in the water so she can have the live moment when Darcy emerges from the lake. (Too perfect, I would have done the same.)

Apparently, "Lost in Austen" aired in Britain on ITV. It had a showing in America on Ovation, a channel unavailable in Las Vegas. So I watched "Lost in Austen" on YouKu which appears to be a Japanese You Tube. All four episodes (about 45 minutes each) are available on YouKu and don't worry, they are all in English. You'll have to watch it on your computer, but for fans of romance and Austen, this is a necessity to watch. And ITV, bring it on to America please!

I Need a Vacation

I'm having trouble concentrating today because I want a vacation. I'm tired. I want to be on a deserted tropical island somewhere. No, not somewhere, but here. Musha Cay in the Bahamas. It's a private island owned by David Copperfield. There are five private houses on the island each with their own private beach. With a pampering staff of 30. It's only $37,500 a night. But really, that's a bargain, because that's for up to 12 people. Food and beverages (including alcohol) are included. So it's only $3,125 each. Who wants to go with me?

Things I Love About My Library

I love my local library. (In Las Vegas it's actually a series of libraries across the valley so I'm actually talking about 12 libraries because I use resources from all of them) If you haven't been to your local library, check it out. You pay for your libraries with your tax dollars so why not take advantage of all they have to offer.

1. Books
Okay, this was an easy one. But I love to read. And with paperback books running around eight bucks apiece and me being self-employed, my budget for books is zero. And that's exactly how much my library charges me, zero. I have saved tons of money this year by using my library. I almost bought the latest Dean Koontz paperback yesterday but figured I could spend that seven dollars on something like, I don't know, food? So I put it on my library queue and I'll pick it up today. Cha-ching! And that brings us to...

2. On-line services
I can do so much of my library related things without actually going to the library. If I see a book I want, I type it into the library search engine and see if they have it. Then I click a little button that says "Request It!" and then, as if by magic, some library fairy pulls it from one of the many libraries in my town, sends it to the branch nearest my house where they put my name on it and hold it for me until I can come pick it up. They even send me an email to let me know it's ready. Amazing. And if I can't finish it in the generous three weeks they give me to read it, I can hop on the Internet and renew said item 3 times. That's right, I can keep materials for up to three MONTHS. And I have. Not because I'm a slow reader but because my library lets me check out 50 items (yes, 5-0) at a time and I can't read 50 books in three weeks. (I can manage a book a day at times but that's about my limit.) Of course, if someone else has requested the book I have to take it back sooner than 3 months. (Which is why I had to read "The Reader" in one day yesterday because I hadn't gotten around to it yet and I have to take it back today.) And that online queue thingy? It works for CD's and DVD's too. Which brings us to...

3. Non-book stuff
My library has lots of things that aren't books. Like CD's. I rarely buy CD's (even less now that there is iTunes) but I like to check them out of the library because I can listen to all sorts of CD's for free. Like the "Wicked" soundtrack, or the latest Nickleback CD or Christmas music. And they have all kinds of DVD's, from the latest blockbuster to 'how to' videos. It's tough to get the latest releases right away, but if you are a fan of classic or independent films (and I am) you can get those almost all of the time. And again, there is that 'request it' queue if there is a title you just have to have. Like today I'm picking up the second season of Veronica Mars, saving me $49.95 if I bought it and freeing up my Netflix queue for those big blockbusters. Movies in every language imaginable too. Oh, and did you know that you can pick up audiobooks at the library, or better yet, download them to your iPod? Yup and they have e-books too (not yet for Kindle but for other eBook players and you can read them on your computer.) And magazines, oh what magazines. Again, as an self-employed person I hate to spend four dollars on a magazine, but I can check out Gourmet or Writer's Digest or a whole bunch of other magazines for free. I love free. Which brings us to...

4. Concerts, lectures and programs
My library sponsors all sorts of events, from movie series (February is Gene Wilder movies at the West Las Vegas Branch) to author lectures (Hey Leslie, wanna check out "The Paranormal Bender Tour: Five Urban Fantasy Authors and a Trunk Full of Undead Hookers" with me on March 11th?) to Pet Fairs (February 28th at the Rainbow Library) to Cooking shows ("Culinary Secrets from Professional Chefs and Recipe Exchange" at the Summerlin Library on February 19 and March 19). They also have tax preparation assistance for seniors, blood drives, plays, music, dance. Whew, that's a lot of stuff. And finally...

5. Other stuff
I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton of stuff, like the computers for public use and the art exhibits and the conference rooms for civic groups and the book clubs they sponsor and the children's programs. Just do yourself a favor and check out your local library and see what they have to offer you. You'll be amazed. And you'll save mucho dinero too. Enjoy!

I'm Going to Be a SUPERSTAR!

(I hope when you read the title of this post, you got the mental image of Molly Shannon doing her character of Mary Katherine Gallagher from SNL)

Okay, maybe not a SUPERSTAR. But I did get offered my first major role in a feature film. My frequent collaborator and film mentor Kelly Schwarze has written a very funny comedy and offered me one of the leading roles (actually, he wrote the part with me in mind.) I can't give the story away but for those who love movies like "Office Space", this will be your kind of film. I read the script over the weekend and it made me laugh out loud. I can't wait to get started on this. We should start pre-production in February and filming after we wrap on "Vegas Schmegas" (we will finish re-shoots on that in March.)

Kelly decided that it was time to get back to just having fun, instead of worrying about commercial success (which hasn't really come with any of his previous feature films, although you can get one of his movies on Netflix, which to me is some sort of success even if there isn't any money in it). What's interesting to me is that I was thinking the same thing at the same time when I had a great idea for the movie that I'm currently writing. We both pitched our script ideas to one another the same day but Kelly got his done first. So if we can pull it all together we will make two feature films this year. (Mine will be financed mostly on credit cards, a la "Clerks".) Best of all, these films are really about getting our friends together and making a fun film, which is what I loved so much about "Supermodels", the love and generosity of time that everyone gave and the great time we had doing it.

Which got me to thinking about killing myself. No, not the way you think. See, when I write and direct I do it as Shae Wilhite. But when I do stand up I do it as Shae Denin (you can read why here). But which name would I act under? I guess Wilhite because that's what my IMDB profile is under and it would be simpler. But I loved being Shae Denin and there were a few years where that's really how I thought of myself. But now I think it's time to integrate my personalities and just be Shae Wilhite. I may use Denin occasionally when I do stand up but only with producers who already know me that way, for everything else I'll just be plain old me. I'll miss being Miss Denin though. She was a heck of a lot of fun.

Now I have to finish the script I'm working on so we can put it into production when we get finished with Kelly's film. And I have to start writing my acceptance speech for when I win all of those awards. "I'd like to thank the Academy for this award...and for making me a SUPERSTAR!"

Being An Expert is Hard Work

I'm an expert. Really. Seriously. Go to AllExperts and go the the television trivia section and there I am. You can ask me questions about TV. My area of expertise is really 80's to present but people ask me questions about 1950's television. Hello, wasn't born yet. I try to answer the best I can and I research to find answers if i don't know if off the top of my head. (Jamie knows that I'm the queen of Internet research.) I figured all of the crap in my head might as well be used for the common good.

But being an expert is much harder work than I ever thought it would be. Because most of the questions I get are things like "Yeah, there was this show and it starred this girl, and she was blond or maybe brunette and there was this guy. Can you tell me the name of the show?" I might, if you could say give me a bit more information. I do the best I can and have found some answers for people but a lot of the time I ask them lots of questions back. It's not as rewarding as I'd like it to be because I feel like I'm letting people down. But I'm going to keep at it in the hopes that I can provide the answer to some question and the person who asked it can get on with their life.

So I may ask you, Loyal Readers, for some help. For example, does anyone remember a 1980's T.V. movie involving spies and the Dead Sea Scrolls? it's not ringing any bells for me but I'm researching away. If you think of anything, let me know!

I love "Top Chef", but they rarely make things that I would do as a home cook. But this I could do...



Mango Lollipops
Source: Stefan Richter, Top Chef Season 5
Prep Time: About half an hour
Serves: 5-6

10 mangoes cut into half inch cubes
2 oz. chocolate, melted.
1 T mint oil
10 mint leaves
10 skewers

1. Melt chocolate, add mint oil.
2. Dip mango half way in chocolate.
3. Serve on skewer.

Stefan is my least favorite contestant but at least he has the cohones to chef up and cook it. Hate his arrogance but you can't argue with his food.

I've Got an "In"

Okay, I've never done drugs so I've never had a 'dealer'. I don't know anyone who bootlegs DVD's so I don't know a 'guy'. I've lived in Las Vegas my whole life and I've only gotten 'comped' a couple of times. I don't know anyone who can put me 'on the list'. And while I don't really want to participate in any illegal activity, I have always felt kind of out of the loop. Like everyone else had some special connection and I was flying solo. But no more, 'cuz now I have a 'guy' who can totally hook me up with Ikea merchandise.

I know I blogged about ModernLV before and how it is such an amazing idea to bring Ikea to the Ikea-less Las Vegas. But last night I got my first delivery and I had to tell you all about it! I got an email from William Crozer, the "Director of Operations" (don't you love it when a two person company has employees with such lofty titles?) saying my merchandise was in. He sent me another email saying he was out making deliveries and if I was near a freeway he'd drop my stuff off too. I thought this was totally cool of him since I only bought seven dollars worth of stuff. My house is two minutes from a freeway exit and we made arrangements to meet in the parking lot of the shopping center that is right next to the freeway. (And, conveniently enough, right next to a Del Taco, and it was Tuesday, which means tacos were on sale 3 for $1.09, so guess what we had for dinner last night? Yup, taco salads. Add some beans and tomatoes and a bit of sour cream to some crushed up tacos and viola, yummy dinner on the cheap.)

William called me when he was fifteen minutes away from my area and I put my money in and envelope and headed off to the shopping center. I felt a little like I was going to make a drug deal, exchanging cash for the packets. I have been going to that shopping center my whole life (there is a great Chinese restaurant and my Grandma Wilhite did all her laundry at the laundromat and there used to be a terrific video store from the pre-Blockbuster and Netflix days.) But the shopping center has fallen on hard times when the freeway expansion forced the closing of the big grocery store and the McDonald's but I still go there frequently to the CVS or the Del Taco. But it's a little seedy after dark, I'll be honest. I don't usually care but I felt a little bad meeting my new BFF there. And again, I felt a little like some illicit exchange was going to be made. While I sat in my car, waiting for William, I witnessed not one, but two suspected drug deals. Now again, I've only seen drug deals in the movies but when people wait in their cars and a guy on a bike rides up to them, exchanges something through the window and then the car drives away, it doesn't take Sherlock Homes to figure out what's going on. I was afraid that while sitting in my car that the bicycle man would approach me and I would have no idea of the proper etiquette to turn him down. (Although it has been getting harder and harder to buy my nasal decongestant lately due to it's use in making crystal meth. I was wondering if meth helps you breathe better because it might be easier to buy it from a dealer than getting Sudafed at the pharmacy. Plus, meth helps you lose weight, right? But there is that whole 'losing all your teeth" and I hate dentists so maybe that's not the best way to go.)

William arrived and I got out of the car with my envelope and we exchanged the cash for the Graddsas sauce packets. My new 'dealer' also gave me the new Ikea catalog. (Just like a dealer, he hooks you with a little taste then turns you on the the harder stuff!) It wasn't exactly like a drug deal though, unless dealers are now giving receipts. We talked for a few minutes about the business and Ikea. He was totally cool, but I kind of had to laugh too. If I had to picture in my mind the type of person who would start an Ikea import business, it would be a yuppie white liberal in a hybrid car. (Have you ever seen "Best in Show' the brilliant dog show mockumentary from Christopher Guest and company? The couple with the weimeriner who met at Starbucks and likes to quiz each other on what's new in the J. Crew catalog? That's totally how I pictured William and his wife, the couple who own and run ModernLV) And who shows up? An upscale white guy with an Obama bumper sticker on his black Prius. I'm not making fun, just saying that he was EXACTLY like I pictured him and it made me smile. Did I mention before that the Crozer's even participate in a carbon offsetting program so I can even feel like an environmentalist while I buy my Ikea from them? Yes, they are that cool.

ModernLV is a business that if it succeeds is doomed to fail. By that I mean if there truly are enough people in Las Vegas that love Ikea, eventually Ikea will come here and ModernLV will have no reason to exist any more. And William is okay with that. He'd rather have an Ikea here. But until then he will spread the gospel of Ikea and occasionally mecca to one to worship at the temple of Swedish modern furnishings at reasonable prices. I agree with that philosophy, especially when it gets me the items I need without a four hour drive (unlike Dyann, I travel to Southern California very infrequently these days.) And the Crozer's are providing a really valuable service. We are in the midst of redecorating our living room and have been on quest to find a new couch. One that's comfortable. (Do you know how many couches are uncomfortable? It's amazing!) The room is small and we are looking for something modern but with a beach cottage feel. Our front runner is a love seat at Macy's that's nearly $1400.

This one at Ikea is $549. Granted, it's fabric instead of leather, but we can get a lot of slipcovers for the extra $850. (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the one at Macy's but it's not my money.) But before the Crozer's our only option was to buy locally or rent a truck. But now we have the option of using ModernLV to fetch it for us. I don't know which we will eventually choose. But it's nice to have options. And that's the service that ModernLV is providing, the option to get Ikea merchandise without shipping charges that make the affordable into not affordable.

Tomorrow night is Swedish meatball night, thanks to ModernLV. I'm still going to work on a sauce equivalent to the packets but at least I have a supply now to tide us over until I do. And a way to get more. The Crozer's did me a huge favor and I wish them well. I've offered to write a couple of entries for their website. And I encourage you to become a friend of ModernLV on Facebook or follow them on Twitter. And, if you should happen to need some Ikea merchandise and decide to use ModernLV, mention my name and tell the Crozer's I sent you, and let them know I'm sharing the love. And the next time you have a brilliant idea, pursue it, you never know where it might lead!

Inaugural Lunch

Here is what the Obama's are having at their luncheon today. I'm having an egg salad sandwich and a handful of M&M's, how about you?

The 2009 Inaugural Luncheon Menu
First Course
Seafood Stew
Duckhorn Vineyards, 2007 Sauvignon Blanc, Napa Valley
Second Course
A Brace of American Birds (pheasant and duck), served with Sour Cherry Chutney and Molasses Sweet Potatoes
Goldeneye, 2005 Pinot Noir, Anderson Valley
Third Course
Apple Cinnamon Sponge Cake and Sweet Cream Glacé
Korbel Natural “Special Inaugural Cuvée,” California Champagne

Recipes from Barack Obama's Inaugural Luncheon: first course
Seafood Stew
Yield: 10 servings

Ingredients

6 (1 lb) Maine lobsters
20 medium size Sea scallops
36 Large shrimp, peel, cleaned and tail removed, aprox. 2 lbs.
10 (1 oz) pieces of black cod
½ cup small dice carrots
½ cup small dice celery
½ cup small dice leek
½ cup small dice Idaho potato
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon ground white pepper or black pepper
¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 quart heavy cream
1 cup dry vermouth (can be made without)
10 (5 inch) puff pastry rounds

Equipment
10 (3 ½ inch) terrines/ramekins or serving dish of your choice

Directions
1. Bring 1 gallon of water to a boil; poach lobsters, then shrimp, then black cod and last scallops. After
seafood is cooked, remove from water; reserve water and bring to boil.
2. Cook all vegetables in liquid that was used for the seafood, remove vegetables when tender. Allow
the liquid to continue to boil until only 1qt of liquid remains. This will be the base for the sauce.
3. Bring seafood liquid back to a boil and add the vermouth and heavy cream and reduce by half,
season with salt, white pepper and nutmeg to taste. You have reached your desired thickness when
the sauce will cover the back of a wooden spoon. Set aside to cool.
4. Cut Maine lobster, shrimp and scallops into bite size pieces.
5. Pre-heat oven at 400 degrees.
6. Fold seafood and vegetables into cool sauce, being careful not to mix too much as this will break up
the seafood. Scoop mixture into terrines or oven proof baking dish of your choice.
7. Cover terrines with puff pastry rounds, brush them with egg wash and bake them until golden
brown about 8-10 minutes, allow to cool for 5 minutes before serving. You can cook this 2-3 hours
ahead of time and keep warm at 150 F degrees.

He Had A Dream

I was born in a generation that never knew segregation. I have friends of every kind and I only think of them as my friends, not by their race or nationality or religion. But it wasn't always so and that's why Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speech was so moving to all of those involved with the civil rights movement. I think those words are even more poignant today, as we prepare to inaugurate the first "black" President of the United States. The world can change and people can change. I wonder what Dr. King would say if he were here today? Here is an excerpt from that powerful speech. Happy Martin Luther King Day.

"And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."

"And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Little Miracles

Sometimes life can really get you down and you don't know how to keep going. I have known some incredible women who have faced incredible odds and challenges in their lives and came through it stronger and with more heart than ever before. It's hard for me to understand how they do it, I'm not sure I have that kind of strength, but they are a source of inspiration for my life.

One, of course, is my mom. Losing her husband then battling aggressive breast cancer was tough on her but she gets up every day and she never feels sorry for herself. She is my hero.

I knew a woman who lost her son to SIDS, then out of grief her husband committed suicide. I don't know how anyone has the resiliency to come through that with a positive outlook on life, but she did. Amazing.

Finally, there is my friend Lindsay. I have known Lindsay since she was a teenager, working at the law firm I used to work at. I saw her graduate from high school, go to college, get married and have her first baby. Gavin was an amazing little boy but due to health issues from birth his incredible life was cut short. During that time, and every day since, Lindsay and her husband Jason and their families displayed such powerful strength and faith that I was awed. Their faith teaches them that families are for eternity and I know that they have drawn great comfort in knowing that they will be with their little 'bug' again. I can only imagine how hard it was, and what they had to endure, the horrible pain and heartbreak of losing a child but Lindsay's face has always shown the inner peace, serenity and beauty of a woman who has faith in her Heavenly Father and his plan for her life. I was so grateful that her faith gave her such comfort, and honestly, a bit jealous. I wish I knew that kind of faith.

Reading Lindsay's blog has been a study in hope, and today there was a post that made my heart smile. A little miracle.


Welcome to the world, Jack Jason Bailey. You are already more beloved than you can imagine. You have wonderful parents who would do anything for you, and an extended family so happy and grateful for your arrival. Plus a special big brother who is watching out for you. How lucky can one little boy be?

Congratulations Lindsay and Jason. You deserve this miracle. And congratulations to the Mortensen and Bailey families as well, I know how happy you all will be. Happy Birthday Jack, and welcome to the world!

Comfort Food

I have been thinking of doing a post on the restaurants in Las Vegas I most want to eat at (I'll do it another day) when I came across a documentary on HBO about Le Cirque. Since Le Cirque is on my list, I stopped to watch it. It was just an okay documentary (although the founder of the restaurant, Sirio Maccioni, has had a very interesting life) but there were a couple of things that stuck out in it for me.

The first was when the Maccioni family went to McDonald's for lunch. Yes, the owners of one of the most famous four star restaurants in the world ate at McDonald's. And what's more, they scarfed their food from the various bags and boxes with the manners of a starving four year old. Plus there was a prodigious amount of ketchup consumed. Now I have often been told that I should be ashamed of my ketchup use, that as a gourmand I should have better taste than to use the lowly condiment. I love ketchup and the fact that it is loaded with healthy lycopene is a bonus, but it has always been somewhat of a shameful secret that only my close friends and family know about. But after watching Mario Maccioni (the CEO of the Las Vegas Le Cirque) bellow for more ketchup, I no longer feel so ashamed. If the Maccioni's can appreciate the enhancement that ketchup brings to food, then so can I.

The second thing that I noticed in the film as that when the matriarch of the Maccioni clan was stressed (they were awaiting the second review from the New York Times after the first one when the restaurant re-opened was dismal) she ate french fries. She said, "As long as I have my french fries and wine, I'm good." French fries were her comfort food. Interestingly enough, while I was watching the documentary, I was eating my comfort food.

My comfort food is Campbell's Tomato Bisque soup with crushed up saltine crackers and some cheddar cheese stirred in. It stems back to my childhood when my paternal grandmother would spoon feed me this soup with oyster crackers in it long past the age when I should have been spoon fed anything. It is the ultimate in feeling loved and cherished for me. I adapted to crushed up saltines when oyster crackers became too expensive for my college budget and the cheese was an addition to give the soup yet another layer of comfort. It's like eating tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich without all the work. Now I only eat this comfort food when I really need its healing powers. When I made it yesterday I realized I was making it on the same stove my grandmother did, which added to it immensely.

My 'go to' for comfort if I need a quick fix is mashed potatoes. The serotonin in potatoes really gives me a happy rush. But because I like mashed potatoes just about any time, they are a comfort, but not the way that the tomato bisque is. I know people who like mac n' cheese for their comfort food and for others it's a chocolate fix. It's interesting that people have a food that makes them feel better somehow. I'm not sure I completely trust people who don't have a comfort food (although my mom claims not to have one, I have seen her eat an entire family sized bag of corn chips when she's stressed so I don't believe her. Besides, this is a woman who is a proponent of 'people chow' so I know she's part android.) My brother likes a cheeseburger when he's out of sorts and my sis-in-law runs for the Ben & Jerry's. I had a roommate who ate a box of Noodle Roni when she needed comfort while another went the grilled cheese route.

I know that food isn't love but isn't it nice to know that when you are sad or scared or depressed that there is some food you can eat that makes you feel a teensy bit better because it connects you with a time when you felt happy or loved or cared for? Maybe for you it's not a food but a song or a color or something. What is your comfort and what does it connect you with that makes the boo-boo feel better? Think about it and let me know. In the meantime, I don't need comfort, but the ketchup is calling!

Wish I'd Thought of That

Do you ever hear of something and in your head you think "That's BRILLIANT! I wish I had thought of that!". Well, reading the paper one day I saw an article that made me slap my head and say it.

William Crozer and his wife, Carrie Mauriello Crozer, started a personal shopping service, buying exclusively at Ikea. As you know, Las Vegas has no Ikea. None. This is a terrible, terrible thing. So the Crozer's will go to So Cal and shop at Ikea for you and bring the stuff back. You look through the Ikea catalog and they do all the hard work. They will even help with delivery and assembly.

Now, I can hear you saying, "But Shae, doesn't Ikea ship?" and the answer is, "Well, yes Loyal Readers, they do." But, and this is where the "Ahhh" moment comes in, Ikea gets to choose the shipping method and pricing. For example, when I moved home, I needed an armoire and I found a beautiful one at Ikea. It was perfect, both functional and attractive. And at only $169, it was also within my budget. So I went online to order it when I noticed that there was no shipping section to tell me how much shipping would be. Because Ikea gets to choose whether they ship UPS or Common Carrier. Now UPS rates are somewhat reasonable but the common carrier rates (and this is what they use for almost all furniture because it weighs more than 70 pounds) is ridiculous. So to ship my $169 armoire was going to cost me $407. That's right, the shipping charges were more than double the cost of the item. Now, to have the Crozer's company (Modern LV) bring it back for me would cost around $50. (For orders from $61-$1500 the shipping charge is 29%). See why they are brilliant?

The other reason why the Crozer's are providing such a valuable service is that not all items that you can buy in store are available for purchase online. For example, I love the swedish meatballs at Ikea. LOVE them. I brought back a bag of the frozen meatballs and several packets of the cream sauce mix. And when I ran out of meatballs, I learned how to make my own and (if I do say so myself) they are even better than Ikea's. (Probably because they are fresh, not frozen.) But I can't get the sauce right, much to my consternation. But Ikea doesn't sell the sauce packets online, only in store. And while I have been known to drive out of my way to pick up an ingredient, four hours is excessive, even for me. But now, I can have the Crozer's pick me up some. Excuse me, while I wipe the tears of joy from my face.

Now, I will say that the Crozer's need some help with their blog (hmm, perhaps a barter system could be worked out for my writing services in exchange for some Graddasas sauce packets?) and I think they really need to get the word out there (hence, this column to benefit both them and you Loyal Readers, especially those of you in Las Vegas with an Ikea need) because their service is sooooo wonderful. They are heading to Ikea next on Monday, January 19th so look at the online catalog and send them your wish list. I am getting some sauce packets, some lingonberries and perhaps some other items (alas, the armoire of my dreams is no longer available). It isn't the same as shopping at Ikea, but it's the next best thing to being there!

Shae's Favorite Things

Oprah does a show several times a year where she talks about her favorite things, and then she gives the items away. This is sort of like that, except y'all have to buy your own. I'd be interested to hear what some of your favorite things are too, so be sure and comment on what's on your list!

1. Skull Candy Earphones - I got these for Christmas, and they are awesome. The sound is amazing but the best part is that they fit my ears. With the earphones that came with my iPod (and ditto for the ones that came with my Zen before it) the earphones would constantly fall out of my ears. Plus the person standing next to me could hear what I was listening too. it was frustrating, especially at the gym, to have them falling out all the time. First one, then I'd get it in okay, then the other would fall out. But Skull Candy comes with three sets of 'cushions' that you can interchange on the earphones so that they fit your ears perfectly. I have petite ears (as opposed to other parts of my not so petite-ness) so I put on the smallest of the cushions and the fit into my ears comfortably and snugly and I don't share my music with the people around me anymore. Terrific.

2. The iPod Touch - For those of you who don't know about the iPhone (due to coma or living under a rock) it's the worlds hottest phone, not for the phone part but for all of the other things it can do. Like surf the Internet, play games, find restaurants, etc. all on a reactive touch screen. Then Apple released the iPod Touch, which has almost all of the capabilities of the iPhone, except the phone part (however, according to sources, with a certain modification and a pair of Apple microphone earphones as well as a Skype application, you can turn your Touch into a cheap iPhone. But you have to be in a wi-fi area.) I hadn't bought an iPod before but after falling in love with my Mac and seeing the capabilities of the Touch, I bought it. I am not a music junkie (although I love my soundtracks and cheesy 80's pop) but since I can use the Touch for Internet access, as a PDA, to play games, movies and TV shows on as well as podcasts, I was sold. Honestly, it's amazing. I can watch a movie while I'm waiting in the doctor's office, check my email or Google something without going to my computer or I can just play some really amazing games. So cool.

3. iTunes Applications - This is a corollary to #2, but it deserved it's own favorite thing mention. With my new iPod I regularly cruise the iTunes store and my favorite section is Apps. Here you can buy games or applications like "Urban Spoon" that helps you choose a restaurant or bridal planning guides, countdown calendars or white noise machines, or even a copy of the Constitution. Most applications are under two dollars, and lots of them are completely free. I am having so much fun, it should be illegal. I can now play Scrabble no matter where I am.

4. Top Chef: New York - I never got into Top Chef before, although I have watched it. But this season, I'm addicted. I think that a lot of the food they make is not something the home chef would try but what has me watching is not the recipes but the personalities and the potential for disaster. Some of challenges are really fun to watch (want to see a Chef go crazy? Give them just a hot plate and a microwave then tell them to make a Thanksgiving dinner. It's like torture for them.) and I love the new judge, Toby Young, they brought in to replace Gail, he's a British food critic and he is BRUTAL. (Please don't eve let anyone compare my soup to a weapon of mass destruction!) I love the hosts, Padma and Tom. (she's an actress and cookbook author who was once married to Salman Rushdie - who was seven years older than her father, eww - and he's the Chef/Restaurateur owner of Craftsteak. My friend Pat got an email from his family after she wrote about the dinner she had at Craftsteak. I'm jealous of the email but what I'm truly envious of is the dinner. Ah, someday, sigh.) And I can't tell who I want to win yet, although my front runners are Leah and Ariane.

5. Simply Lemonade - Tastes just like homemade. Sweet, tart and oh, so refreshing. It's a bit more expensive than concentrate but so worth it. Yum. Find it in the refrigerated juice section of your grocery store.

6. On Demand Viewing - First my DVR made watching television on my schedule easier, then cable's "On Demand" channel let me watch shows and movies whenever I wanted, then I started watching shows on the Internet and now Netflix's "Instant Viewer" is available for Macs so I can watch movies there too. Now this entertainment junkie can get her fix whenever and almost wherever she would like. Life is good.

7. Las Vegas Review-Journal columnists - I'm not much of a newspaper reader, I'm more of a 'get my news from television' kind of girl. But I do like the columns in the R-J from John L. Smith to Jane Ann Morrison. My very favorites are Christopher Lawrence's "Life on the Couch" (TV), Carol Cling's "Shooting Stars" (Movies - no longer available in the actual paper but still available online), Steve Burnfeld's "Mediaology" (Media) and Heidi Knapp Rinella's "Taste of the Town" (Food). The paper keeps getting thinner and thinner, but thanks to these columnists, I still read the news occasionally.

8. Video Games - I never thought of myself as a 'gamer' although in my life I have owned Pong and a Nintendo 64. But with the Wii and my DS, I'm more of a gamer than I ever was. The Wii is awesome for playing with my family and it gets us up and off the couch. We love the interactive sports type games and the Wii fit has actually got us exercising on a regular basis. But I love my little DS for some solo play. I like to pick it up and play crosswords or sudoku puzzles or wordjong. I like puzzle games and the DS has lots of games that appeal to me (a non-gaming adult woman instead of a game addicted teenage boy). And I now play on my Touch as well. Okay, so maybe "Cooking Mama" isn't exactly the gamer experience of "Halo" or some other kill/shoot/war game, but it's keeping me entertained.

9. Sitcoms - During tough times, I like to laugh, and I don't think I'm alone. Laughter really is the best medicine, it brings your blood pressure down, oxygenates your blood, reduces stress hormones that can be harmful and well, it's fun. During this rough time, economically and politically, I think we need to laugh more than ever. From Charlie Chaplin during the Great Depression to the variety shows of the turbulent 60's and the sitcoms of the late 70's/early 80's, we love to laugh during a crisis. So thank goodness for shows like "The Big Bang Theory", "Two and a Half Men" (Bless you Chuck Lorre, you've had my undying devotion forever) "How I Met Your Mother", "30 Rock" and "The Office". Even "My Name is Earl" is back from last year's slump (okay, the whole 'Earl in jail' story arc sucked) and now Earl is as funny as ever. Bring on the laughs, I say.

10. Mirin Glazed Salmon - Have you ever just hit on the perfect recipe? One that was easy to make AND really delicious? Well, I found one for salmon that has me throwing away any other salmon recipe. From Nigella Lawson, this recipe is the ultimate. It's good hot or if you have some leftover (not gonna happen, but I suppose you can make extra) it's equally delicious cold. It makes the most of salmon's rich flavor and complements it perfectly. It's so yummy, you just have to try it yourself.

Miring Glazed Salmon
1/4 c. mirin (Japanese sweet rice cooking seasoning - some people say rice wine but the bottle I have doesn't have any alcohol in it. Buy it in the Asian section of your supermarket.)
1/4 c. brown sugar
1/4 c. soy sauce

Combine these in a shallow dish, stirring to dissolve the sugar. Put four (4oz) salmon fillets into the sauce. Marinate, turning over once. (Nigella says to marinate only 5 minutes but I like it marinated for about 30 minutes.) Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium high heat and put salmon in (reserving marinade), cooking for 4 minutes. Turn salmon over, add marinade to pan and cook for 3-4 minutes longer. Remove salmon and add 2 Tbsp. rice vinegar to pan, stirring to incorporate, about 2 minutes. Pour over salmon and garnish with chopped green onions.

Yup, that's it. So simple and so delicious. I have made this for a whole bunch of different people and they all love it. Salmon has all those lovely Omega-3's that we are supposed to get so much of, so this dish is healthy too, and there are so few dishes that taste so good AND are good for me. Oh, and did I mention it's only 200 calories. I've died and gone to heaven!

Okay, there is my first favorite things list. I hope you discover a new favorite too. And please, share your list with me, I'd love to discover some new treasures!

I Can't Wait For a Bad Movie

Anyone who knows me knows I love good films. Love them. See them every chance I get. I go to film festivals every chance I get, hoping to discover great films early on. (See gems like "Once", "Introducing the Dwights", "Reprise" or "Neo Ned" for some great examples. All are available on video except "Neo Ned", which you can watch on Netflix's instant viewer. Seriously, see these films.)

I also love "inside jokes." One of my favorite experiences combined the two, in the movie "The Aristocrats". It's a documentary by comedians Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller fame) who got more than a hundred comics to tell the same 'insider' dirty joke. The movie is hysterical (although for the faint of heart, it does contain lots of scatological humor.) I saw this movie when it premiered at Sundance (one of the best movie experiences of my life, I sat next to Leah Rozen, the film critic for People magazine, and I picked her brain) and again when it premiered at CineVegas and thanks to P&T's wonderful publicist/exec Glenn S. Alai, who is a close friend..okay, so he's Tina's close friend which makes him my close friend once removed, got to sit in the VIP section with the likes of legendary comics like Phyllis Diller. I saw the movie several more times at the theater and own it on DVD, not to mention watching it numerous times on cable. I would have loved this film even without the glitz and glamour because as a comic I loved the 'inside joke'.

Now, as much as I love good movies, I like bad ones too. Really bad ones. Not the ones you watch and wish you had those two hours of you life back because the film had no redeeming qualities, but the ones that are so bad that they are kinda good. Of course, that's a quality that is in the eye of the beholder. I love a cheesy 1980's disco film called "Can't Stop the Music" which was terrible but starred the Village People and how can you not love a Village People movie where they sing YMCA in a YMCA with semi naked men around them. It's brilliant and I watched that movie dozens of times when I was a kid, dancing in the living room to the songs (I clearly didn't understand the homoerotic undertone until I was an adult but I still think it has a good beat and I'd dance to it.) One of the reasons I still like this film is that once you get the nuance and understand the background of the Village People (and yes, their sexual persuasion) you get that it was a huge inside joke. (Unfortunately, it took some time for people to appreciate the joke, and it killed Nancy Walker's directing career.) Plus it has the added bonus of a young Steve Guttenberg on roller skates, how much more could you ask for?



So when I read an article in Entertainment Weekly (I check it out at the library, it's a guilty pleasure) about the comedic cult following for a movie called "The Room" (you can read the article here) I wanted to see it. Now. But going to LA for a midnight showing isn't exactly feasible (although I'm up for a road trip if anyone else is game and I love the Laemmle Sunset 5 theater, it's right by the Laugh Factory). But I need to see this film. Apparently it's "Rocky Horror" meets horrible acting, terrible directing and awful writing. Woo Hoo. I am so there. It has garnered the attention of people like Rob Thomas, Paul Rudd, Kristen Bel and David Cross. When people like that, who's talent I respect and admire, tell you a movie is so bad it changed their lives, well that's a movie I need to see. I need to get the 'inside joke' too.

Okay, since I can't go to LA (seriously, road trip anyone? anyone?) I ordered the movie on Amazon. Less than nine dollars and free shipping. It was out of stock but I got an email last night that they got a copy and are shipping it to me this week. I can't wait. This movie has already inspired me, sight unseen, to write my next film. I'm going to have parties showing this film if it truly is what they say it is. I'm stocking up on plastic spoons as we speak. So, wanna come to my house and watch a bad movie? (And to cleanse ourselves, we can watch a good film afterwards.)

We're Here For Your Liver

In the ultimate example of Indian-giving, read this story.

"Richard Batista from Long Island in New York, says he wants the organ back or $1.5 million dollars. The surgeon gave his wife Dawnell the kidney in 2001 after two previous failed transplants.

Dr. Batista told the New York Daily News there is "no value you can put on an organ when it saves some one's life. There is no greater feeling on this planet."

He says he is only suing Dawnell to get her to act reasonably in the divorce case, claiming she is restricting access to their children, aged eight, 11 and 14.

Their relationship had been suffering due to the strain of his wife's medical issues, said Dr. Batista. "My first priority was to save her life," he said. "The second bonus was to turn the marriage around." But it did not work and four years later she filed for divorce.

Arthur Caplan from the University of Pennsylvania's Centre for Bioethics said the likelihood of Dr. Batista getting either his kidney or the money was "somewhere between impossible and completely impossible".

Medical ethicist Robert Veatch from Georgetown University said it was illegal for an organ to be exchanged for anything of value. Organ donation is a gift which means you cannot legally get it back, he explained. "It's her kidney now and taking the kidney out would mean she would have to go on dialysis or it would kill her," Mr Veatch said. He insisted no reputable surgeon would perform such a procedure and no court could compel someone to undergo an operation."

By the way, I meant no disrespect to Native Americans in the use of the phrase "Indian-giving". As someone of Native American heritage herself, I have only the utmost respect for indigenous peoples. In fact, I say that we change not the phrase but the meaning to be "when the American government gave stuff to the Native people then took it all back". Still fits pretty well, don't you think?

Meanwhile, Dr. Batista is an ass. Sure, he only wants publicity, but is this really how you want to see your doctor, as a petty jerk? No, she should not be trying to keep him from seeing his kids (if that's what she's doing, I only know that's what he alleges) but he has legal recourse for those actions, not this childish statement.

I believe in organ donation. Maybe Dr. Batista just needs a head transplant.

The Doctor is (Not) In

Paging Dr. Shae, Paging Dr. Shae...that's something you'll never hear, and that's a good thing.

I have been experiencing some pain in the muscle in my left arm and through exhaustive research (several minutes on WebMD) I diagnosed myself with tendinitis. I like to sleep on my side with my arms twisted at awkward angles (which usually results in an arm going numb.) That, combined with the daily heavy Graminator lifting, made the tendons in my arm sore. Now the treatment is fairly simple, rest it (stop sleeping that way, stupid), ice (which is cold and it's winter so that was so unappealing), compression and elevation (yup, the standard RICE therapy) along with ibuprofen. Since I didn't like the R-I-E portion, Dr. Shae decided to go just with compression.

So I toddle off to the drug store and buy several things designed to constrain my arm muscles. I wore one all day and it was fine. Then for night I put on this elaborate one, with gel pads for the 'pain' points and stuff. I put it on and compress it did. It was snug and held my arm in such a way that I couldn't sleep with it under my head, unless I suddenly grew the powers of a Chinese contortionist. Good, right? Then after a while it started to feel too tight. But compression is good, right, I mean, it's supposed to be tight. Then I started to lose sensation in my fingers and decided to take it off. I don't know if I had the gel pads in the wrong spots or I had just strapped it too tight or if it was the wrong bandage all together but when I took it off my arm hurt worse than ever. Like it felt bruised and battered. So I got the normal Ace bandage I had been using and wrapped my arm and went to bed.

I woke up yesterday and noticed that my arm was hurting and felt funny. I went to the bathroom and when I turned the light on I looked down at my arm to see it had swollen to ENORMOUS proportions. ACK!!! I quickly took some Motrin and grabbed an ice pack and elevated my arm to see if the swelling would come down. It did, after a few hours and I could see the knuckles in my hand again. It was sore and painful but the weird part is that the original pain is gone, this is a new pain in a different part of my arm. (Yes, it's the old joke of my arm hurts so kick me in the shin to feel better.) I spent the day resting it and icing it (I still had to lift The Graminator, but I did it as gingerly as possible). And last night I slept with it elevated and not contorted underneath me. Today it's still sore, but better and no gigantic swelling.

The moral of my story? Do not assume that you went to medical school just because you can read it on the Internet. There is a reason that doctors go to school for seven years before they start to practice. If all it took was the ability to read the Internet then any twelve year old with a MacBook would be a doctor. Does this mean that I went to a real doctor? Heck no. But I would have if the swelling hadn't come down. That's all I'm saying, seek appropriate medical attention. Now I gotta go take two Motrin and call myself in the morning.

You Say You Want A Resolution

Okay, so it took a while for me to come up with my New Year's Resolutions, but they aren't something you want to rush into all willy-nilly and then break right away. I did really well with last year's resolutions, all except for the one with the radioactive spider, but I only said I would try, "if possible", on that one. (For last year's list, see here)

So what will I tackle this year? I was so giving last year that I feel entitled to be a bit selfish this year. So, in the interest of personal growth and change, here is this year's list.

1. I will lose twenty pounds by Will and Val's wedding. (It may require amputation of a major limb, but hopefully I can stand in such a way in the wedding photographs that it's not too noticeable.)

2. I will think about writing my own self help book that embodies a philosophy I have been working on for a while. It combines "The Secret" with feng shui, aromatherapy and yoga. I don't want to give it all away, but it involves you imagining yourself getting everything you want while you stand in the "tree" yoga position in a room with Eastward facing windows while lavender scented candles burn. (Tell me that's not a best-seller!)

3. I will find a hairdresser who will actually style my hair in such away that I don't go back to a ponytail within 72 hours. (Please, please, please.)

4. I will only eat organically grown, locally farmed, non-genetically modified, free-range, high fructose corn syrup free foods. (For at last one meal on the fourth Thursday of every month without an 'r' in it.)

5. I will wash my car at least twice a year. (Providing the weather is nice and the water police aren't watching.)

Okay, so those weren't exactly the resolutions most people have. Here is my real desire list,

1. Eat healthier, eat less, exercise more.
2. Moisturize more.
3. Finish the three writing projects I started last year.
4. Sell "Vegas Schmegas".
5. Complete the script Kelly and I are collaborating on.
6. Promote myself more, like by getting an agent or through self promotion.
7. Manage what little money I have so I can stay on sabbatical through 2009.
8. Worry less and enjoy more.
9. Be more patient.
10. Get "The Sunday Box" filmed and on the festival circuit.

That list is going to take a lot more work than the first one. Guess I better get started, huh?

Things I Learned In 2008

In 2008 I learned...

That my family supports me, no matter what. And because of their faith in me, I want to succeed for them.

That I can do things I never thought I was capable of, like taking care of the bodily functions of another human. I guess I would have made an okay mom after all.

That you can make friends with people you have never met and have them become a very important part of your life. (Thank you from the bottom of my heart Maura and Dyann)

That the best laid plans can change, no matter what you think.

That when you do something that you love, it isn't work. (And when it isn't work you have to make it a priority because no one else will.)

That money is nice but not having it isn't that big a deal.

That you can only guarantee the weather in Las Vegas in the middle of summer, when it's a bazillion degrees outside. (So learn to write things indoors!)

That if you write it, they will read. (Thanks Loyal Readers!)

What did you learn this year? Were they the lessons you thought they would be? Tomorrow are my resolutions, so until then, Happy New Year!