Things I'm Happy About Right Now

1. Chocolate Chip Cookies - I know I'm supposed to be good but I'm stressing, so don't judge, okay?

2. Kirstie Alley gaining weight - 98% of all dieters gain the weight back. She is human after all (despite what Scientology might say) It makes me happy because I don't feel so alone in the struggle, especially when most of Hollywood is unnaturally thin. More fat celebs I say!

3. The wedding will be over in 58 hours...57 hours and 59 minutes...57 hours and 58 minutes

4. To Go Menus - I've been too busy to cook this week so thank heavens for Del Taco, Capriotti's and KFC (the new grilled chicken is delicious!)

5. Apps for my iPod - Games keep me sane (or at least keep my insanity occupied.)

6. Makeup - Something needs to hide the fact that I can't sleep this week.

7. Lists - It keeps all the things I haven't done yet in neat order.

Okay, I gotta go bake 96 cupcakes (I only need 80 but since recipes make 24 per batch, I'll have extras.) Wish me luck Loyal Readers and I'll check in on Monday!

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

This made me laugh. Enjoy.

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. -- Police said a 23-year-old man is in stable condition after he pretended that he was falling off a bridge over the Minnesota River, then actually fell off the bridge. Police got a call just before 5 a.m. Sunday from a 21-year-old man who said his friend fell off the Highway 77 bridge and into a marshy area about 30 feet below.

The caller said he was driving north when his friend, who he said had been drinking, told him to pull into the bridge's emergency lane so he could urinate.

The 23-year-old stood eventually climbed to the ledge of the bridge, then looked at his friend and pretended to fall. "He then in fact fell," reads a press release from the Bloomington Police Department.

Police from Bloomington and Eagan responded, and the Eagan Fire Department used a chair lift to retrieve the man. He was transported to Hennepin County Medical Center where he was treated.

Starting My Nervous Breakdown Early

Okay, I know this is supposed to be an "entertaining blog" (notice how I put that in quotes, because many will quibble with its actual entertainment value) but today I'm going to use it to organize my thoughts about all I need to get accomplished this week. Forgive me please, but I'm stressing to the max an I'm hoping that seeing it in print will help me out.

Monday - cut and glue all 80 cupcake wrappers (hmm, I should make some extra, just in case), finish details on brides bouquet, laundry, laundry, laundry, finish painting last of the gumpaste blossoms.

Tuesday - shop for all cupcake and frosting ingredients, get the large fondant rolling pin (50% off coupon for it at Joann's), mop the floors (company's coming!), get containers to transport cake/cupcakes, get that stuff that grips your dishes to line trunk of car so cupcakes don't slide around, go to Mickey D's and steal some straws for cake supports, get fresh batteries for camera, charge video camera battery.

Wednesday - Bake wedding cake and crumb coat, decorate cake stand, clean out the car so it's packable (giving it a wash wouldn't hurt), make an emergency kit for weekend (scissors, glue, thread, needle, valium), work on speech.

Thursday - bake cupcakes (pineapple, coffee, chocolate and cherry graham), prepare tiramisu filling, make buttercream, ice wedding cake, cover wedding cakes with fondant, pack bag for Friday/Saturday at hotel (do not forget necklace!), put favors into car, pack corsages, boutonnieres, bouquets and flower girl basket for transport, don't forget the flip flops, cake stand and anything else that can spend the night in the car (like the fabric to drape the gazebo and the extra cherry blossoms).

Friday - make frostings (coconut, light cocoa, dark chocolate, cheesecake), ice cupcakes, do final decoration of wedding cake, pack cupcakes and wedding cake for transport, pack up the cherry blossoms for cupcakes and emergency frosting, put dresses and bag in car, double, then triple check to make sure you have everything like cameras, the video for the shuttle (do all this by noon), wait for Val, go to BC to hotel to drop everything off, check in with Candice, go over everything with her, check out kitchen for cupcake storage and where to put blossoms on for Saturday, put stuff in rooms, go to mani/pedi appointment, meet Will at museum at 4pm to decorate wedding area, back to hotel to change for dinner, get to restaurant for rehearsal dinner by 6:20, be charming and wonderful hostess at dinner, get back to hotel to collapse (after making sure bride is settled in okay), try to sleep.

Saturday- Get up, get Val up, get Val light, protein packed breakfast, Marcy will arrive for hair and makeup at 8:30, after she sets my hair she'll start on Val's hair and makeup, go to kitchen and apply blossoms to cupcakes, check with Candice, go back to Val's room to finish makeup, when Will gets to hotel give him key to my room to change, get ring and keys to convertible from him, make sure he has video and instructions for shuttle (hug and cry at your baby brother getting married), get dressed, get Val dressed, make sure you have everything (bouquets, etc.) get to museum by 12:15 to 'hide' Val from guests, ceremony at 1 (that's in G~d;s hands) relax and enjoy, because if it isn't done by now, it ain't gonna happen. Make sure no guests are left behind for shuttle back to hotel. Let Graminator take a nap if necessary. Laugh, cry, dance and have fun with everyone at reception. Elope if you ever get married.

I'm pretty sure I have forgotten a ton of stuff but at least I have a jumping off point (a large bridge to jump from might help.) I have decided to cover the wedding cake in fondant, because a) I'm not sure I can get buttercream that smooth and b) it will hold up better outside where the cake table is. I did a 'test' on Saturday, so here is a preview of what the wedding cake will look like (note that I used styrofoam cake dummies and I didn't cover the bottom layer because I didn't want to waste the fondant.) I think it's going to look nice.


And I previewed the video I made for Will and Val. They both liked it and teared up, so I guess it's okay. My mom watched it for the third time and still cried.

Okay, I gotta go start all this stuff. Please forgive me, Loyal Readers, if blogging this week is non-existent after Wednesday. But I promise lots of stories and pictures of the majesty that will be the White/Wilhite wedding!

My Train of Thought Hasn't Left the Station

Sorry I've been too busy to write, Loyal Readers, with the wedding a week from tomorrow it's been hectic around here. Plus my fabulous friend Tina came and took some great shots of my cookies for the website. And a meeting for the YP movie. (We need extras for scenes on certain days, please email me if you live in Las Vegas and want to be in a movie!)

Yesterday I finished a video I made for the wedding, just a sentimental little piece to play on the shuttle going to the ceremony site. It made my mom cry, so I guess it worked. I'll play it here after the wedding but here are a couple of pictures of the happy couple.


This is my brother. I love this picture because this is exactly how adorable he was as a child. He looks like the All-American little boy.


And he's marrying the All-American little girl. Wasn't Val a cute kid?

And here they are today. I like this picture because they look so happy together. And isn't that what marriage is all about?



I'll be honest, the video made me a little misty too. My baby brother is all grown up. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I value our friendship. I think that no matter how close you are in other relationships, siblings are special, because they were there the whole time you were growing up. They saw the molding and shaping process, they know and understand you in a way that no one else can. I'm tearing up now. Uh, oh, I think I'd better practice my maid of honor speech a lot or I'm gonna cry at the reception and ruin my makeup!

Have a great weekend!

How I Stay Sane

Or not. With less than two weeks until the wedding, three weeks until the start of filming, trying to start a cookie business and, oh yeah, writing, all while taking care of an 88-year-old Alzheimer's patient and my mother and redecorating a house, my sanity is on a mighty thin thread, my friends.

Weddings are stressful, I get that. But when my SIL-to-be told me yesterday that if I ever had 'paying' clients as a wedding coordinator, I shouldn't nag them so much to get things done, I just about lost it. Really? Because I'm not getting paid and things that I have done all the legwork on and then passed to the bride to complete haven't been completed. And all the info I gave her was 'lost'. Which means that with 13 days to go, the promised transportation shuttle hasn't been booked, they still haven't made their song playlist for the wedding reception and about a zillion other 'minor' details (like music for the ceremony, bride's flowers, decoration of the ceremony area, their wedding car, processional, recessional, etc.) still haven't been finalized. Sorry if that makes me a little nervous. And angry that I'm made to feel like the bad guy for bringing it up. I haven't minded helping, truly, but with Val's family coming in next week I know that she won't be able to get much done so it's got to get done this week.

I can't eat to relieve the stress (or I won't fit into my dress) and I can't afford to drink since I'm unemployed (plus that has calories too.) I could exercise but yuck. I don't have sitter so I can't got to the movies (my usual stress buster) and I haven't had time to read because I've been working on cookies. I don't have time to sleep, mostly because my brain won't shut off. And I have no access to therapeutic drugs. Calgon, take me away!

On the plus side, I've dropped 5 pounds this week, I completed another batch of cookies that look fabulous, I have a friend who is coming to help me photograph them and if I can ever get a hold of my cousin I'm almost ready for the website. (He seems to be part vampire plus there is a three hour time difference between us.) But I have a backup plan if he doesn't work out. (That plan involves me doing it, alone.)

I still have to make 80 cupcake wrappers, 4 corsages, a flower girl basket, 7 dozen cupcakes in four flavors, and a wedding cake. But I'm not stressed. Nope, not me. I'm cool as a cucumber. And if you believe that, I've got a lovely bridge in Brooklyn for you. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to take The Graminator to the doctor. (See, I don't even have tome to stress!)

Governor Gibbons Has Egg(s) on His Face

This news story made me laugh.

CARSON CITY — Gov. Jim Gibbons had 5,000 painted eggs ready to distribute Sunday.

He still has several thousand of the souvenirs, after only 150 people showed up to celebrate part of their Easter with the state’s chief executive, according to Mendy Elliott, special assistant to the governor.

Last year Gibbons distributed 2,000 eggs at the annual event, where children can have their picture taken with the governor.

Asked why the turnout at the Governor’s Mansion was so small, Elliot said it had nothing to do with controversies surrounding Gibbons. The governor’s public statements of late have focused on disputing allegations leveled by his estranged wife, Dawn, that he has been unfaithful.

Gibbons’ staff instead blamed the poor turnout on the weather — it was, apparently, too nice a day to spend part of it with the governor.

“It was a wonderful day and people were spending time with their families,” Elliott said.

In truth, the weather — partly cloudy to cloudy and 81 degrees — was about the same as it was last year — partly cloudy to cloudy and 70 degrees.

One difference this year: The colored eggs wished a happy Easter from Gibbons only, omitting any mention of the first lady. The question now is what to do with them.

They didn't show up because it was a NICE day? Great explanation. I'm sure that was the reason. Not because our governor is an egotistical, lying, cheating, ineffectual ass. No, that couldn't be why they stayed away.

But maybe he can make egg salad sandwiches for all of the Nevada Legislature. I found him a recipe that will serves 100, but he should really make extras, for staffers and stuff.

130 hard boiled eggs, chopped
8 c. mayonnaise
2 c. mustard
4 cups celery, chopped fine
1 cup onion, chopped fine
2 cups pickle relish
2 cups pimientos, chopped
100 lettuce leaves
200 slices bread

Combine eggs, mayo, mustard, celery, onion, pickle relish and pimientos. Salt and pepper to taste. Chill. To assemble sandwiches, place 1/2 c. egg salad on one slice bread, top with 1 lettuce leaf and additional slice of bread.

That still leaves him over 4,000 eggs. I have a deviled egg recipe too, if Governor Gibbons is interested.

Cookies, Cookies Everywhere

I have been working hard to make my cookies beautiful and photograph them for the website. I have to re-shoot a few of them today because I'm not the best photographer in the world and because I'm working with an older and less expensive camera. But a couple of pictures turned out good, so what do you think?





There are about eight other cookie styles but those weren't great photographs so I'm going to try to shoot them again today.
I'm still working on my cousin to help me with the website but if I can get him going we should be able to go live ASAP. Then it's just a matter of seeing if people want to buy them. I also have a unique favor idea, I will hopefully unveil this week as well.

Things I Can't Do

I decided to take a comment by Maura yesterday and turn it into a list/writing exercise. She said, "Geez Louise, is there anything you can't do?". Sure, there are lots of things. I can do a great many things but most of them are only mediocre. But there are some things I can't do at all, and it makes me sad because I wish I could. Here's a rundown.

I can't speak a foreign language. It kills me. I'm like a parrot, if you tell me what to say I can say it, and even sound pretty good. But I have no idea how to form a sentence on my own, at least not one with any semblance of correct grammar. And believe me, I've tried. I took two years of French in high school, two semesters of Spanish and a semester of Japanese in college and even two courses in Sign Language at the community school and every teacher has told me the same thing, "You have the accent down perfectly, but your grammar sucks." I literally make myself ill taking language classes, worrying about being called on and not being able to form the right answer. I would love to speak a foreign language, any foreign language, but it is totally beyond my abilities.

I can't do math above very basic Algebra. Once it gets to signs and cosigns and tangents my brain shuts down. I remember being good at math, when math was just adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing. But once Algebra came along, I hit the wall. One teacher told me it was because I was a girl. But I knew he was full of it because my BF Traci could do it in her sleep. She was (and still is) a math genius (okay, to be fair she's an all-around genius but she has an amazing math aptitude that for me eclipsed all those other skills.) I was able to pass Algebra, Geometry and Trigonometry in high school, (although by what grace I'll never know) and I quit trying to even take college Algebra when it was clear that the third time was not a charm. My brain just can't do it.

I can't ice skate or rollerblade. I was around five or six when my Grandma took me to see the Ice Capades (whatever happened to them?) and I had visions of twirling around on the ice in my little gold lame skirt and matching ice skates. Then I went with my friend Sandy Emminger and her sisters to the only ice rink in Las Vegas which was then located in Commercial Center. We tied on our skates and I stood tall. We walked to the edge of the ice and I knew I was going to fulfill my destiny, to be the greatest skater the world had ever known. Then I stepped onto the ice and fell down. I got back up and my ankles wobbled like a drunk weeble and I made my way to the edge of the rink, which I clung to like the last lifeboat on the Titanic, and slowly made my way around the rink. If I clung tightly enough to the wall I could make it almost all the way around the rink without falling. But if I edged onto the ice I fell so fast and so hard that the time I was actually standing could be measured in nanoseconds. I realized that all of those spins and jumps took place in the middle of the ice, and that I was never going to make it to the middle of the ice, and I sadly hung up my imaginary gold lame skates. I can roller skate, which I would do around my neighborhood and the local roller rink, although I never did learn how to stop without some kind of either 'grab something/someone' to stop myself or 'slow to a complete stop' maneuver. I tried to ice skate again in high school but was affected again by that strange wobbling ankle problem, (my ankles do not wobble any other time) and after two turns around the edge of the ice gripping the wall I decided that if I ever went with friends ice skating again that it would really be in my best interest to sit on the sidelines with a cup of hot chocolate and cheer everyone else on.

I can't sing. Oh, I'm not the worst singer that you've ever heard, but I'm right up there. And I wish I could sing well, I really really do. I would give my left kidney to just once sing a song and sound wonderful. I have sung publicly, in my high school musical, where my drama coach thought my acting skills outweighed my lack of singing skills enough to give me the lead in the show. (Miss Slade is now in Heaven, due in no small part to this supreme act of kindness and poor judgement) and once with my friend Kim as one of her backup singers when she showcased at the Dunes hotel (and I do not think it was my voice that caused the hotel's implosion shortly thereafter) but all I had to sing was a few words and even I can hold harmony for two beats (three is pushing it.) But in my imagination I can sing like Whitney Houston belting out "I Will Always Love You", especially that part where it all comes to a crescendo. My lack of singing ability does not stop me from singing in my car, belting it out, pretending I am good. But the stares, points and laughter from other cars always brings me back to reality.

There are a ton more things I can't do, but this list is starting to depress me. I have to go do something I am capable of before it eats my self-esteem. But I'm going to imagine myself ice skating while I do it.

Getting Crafty

This period in my life has been all about doing it myself and learning. I have been making a lot of things for various projects in my life.

This weekend I made my bouquet for the wedding. I decided to do mine first so that if I screwed it up it wasn't the bride's. It still needs a couple of flowers and some cherry blossoms strewn throughout but I think it's really pretty. I hand tied the bottom and accented with pearls, what do you think? (You can click on each picture to see more detail.)

I also made necklaces with those cherry blossom silver charms I ordered from Thailand. This is a picture of mine, the bride's is on illusion chain accented with just a silver spacer and pearl on either side, so it will sort of 'float' at the base of her throat.


In addition to prepping for the wedding (just 19 days away) and the movie (just 24 days away) I'm trying to start this cookie favor business. Because there is some competition out there, I want my cookies to be as unique as possible. So I am learning how to make my own cookie cutters. As a trial, I want to make Las Vegas sign cookies for Will and Val's wedding (like I'm not doing enough already!) so I made a Las Vegas sign cookie cutter. I think it turned out pretty good, what do you think? Of course, the proof is in the pudding, or in this case cookie, so I'll know how it worked when I bake a batch of cookies this afternoon.


Okay, I'm off to bake cookies, decorate some Christmas sweaters, memorize my lines, oh, and hopefully get some writing done!

Things I Like About Easter

1. Ham - what can I say, I'm a pig for pig. And I make a ham that's slap-yo-mama good (but don't, it's a holiday.)
2. Peeps - marshmallows covered in sugar. And neon colors too! Yum.
3. Deviled eggs - that's what you make with all those hard boiled Easter eggs.
4. Hanging with the family - holidays are all about family. I have an incredible one, they ROCK!
5. Springtime weather - It's a beautiful day in my neighborhood. Sunny and high seventies. Thank you, Mother Nature.
6. Brunch -it's earlier than lunch so you can snack at 4pm and still have a little nosh at 7. I love extra mealtimes.
7. Chocolate - good anytime really, but for Easter it comes in bunny shapes.
8. Asparagus and artichokes - love the spring vegetables. Love. Love. Love.
9. Flowers - pretty pastel colors, bright happy blooms.
10. Hope -whether you celebrate Easter or Passover or Spring Festival, it's all about rebirth, renewal and hope. Lovely.

The Girly Girls Go Shopping

I know, I said no more girly girls, but I went shopping with my sister-in-law-to-be yesterday and wanted to share the experience with you. We also made our flip flops for the wedding, aren't they adorable?!? (The bride's are the light pink ones, mine are the darker pink)

Then off we went to Town Square, one of those urban "shopping villages" which I had never been to before (it's on the Strip and South of Tropicana, two things I usually avoid) but I really liked, it was nice. It was a beautiful day (today is cloudy and cooler with a chance of rain so yesterday was the right choice for outdoor shopping.) We stopped first at Claim Jumper to fortify ourselves for the expedition and sat in the 'saloon' area where they have happy hour appetizer specials from 3pm to 7pm and we got a couple of little plates along with lemonade. These were small portions, which was really nice given that usually the portions at Claim Jumper are enough to feed a small village. The bartender also asked us if we were both over 21, since we were sitting in the bar. And that was before we had our makeup done! The Claim Jumper is right next to a kids play area with all these water spouts for kids to splash through and it was a warm enough day that I was a little jealous.

It turned out to be good that we goat a little sustenance first, since we spent the next three and a half HOURS at Sephora. Yes, you read that right. I wanted to get the high definition makeup for the movie. They are so cool at Sephora, all of their floor people can help you with makeup application and color matching. I told the girl who was helping us (Marianne, she's awesome, see her if you go) what I needed and she showed me three different brands and color matched me in two different lines. I had half my face in one brand and the other half in a different one. She even took me outside so I could see it in different lights and choose the one I liked the best. I chose the Smashbox High Definition foundation and yes, I got the primer too (see, I'm a sucker, I buy into the beauty hype) and also got the Blu-Ray kit by Cargo which had a great blush and lip gloss and had a mascara and bronzer too and was less expensive than just buying the blush and gloss separate.

I asked her if there was anything else I should do to get my face 'camera ready' and she sent me to a different part of the store to see Maria, a skin care expert. She was awesome and she told me how to augment my normal skincare routine. (Mostly just a few exfoliating treatments and a lot of moisturizer.) The people at Sephora are AWESOME and really help you. They aren't paid by any one line, so if there is something from a company that's better than buying everything from just one company, they tell you. And they don't pressure you into buying stuff you aren't sure about. I was hesitant to buy the really expensive moisturizer (since I know how poor I am) so they hooked me up with a bunch of samples. I really felt taken care of but Val says that's just my personality, that I make people want to help me (is that a good thing or does that mean I come cross as hopeless?)

Once we were finally done with that, then Val decided she wanted some makeup too, so we went back to Marianne and started the whole process over again. See why it took forever? But I have to say, we looked FABU! I learned how to do my eyebrows, we found perfume we liked (again, with free samples, and Val is going to wear hers on her wedding day) and got some great advice. it was so much fun, we were like kids in a candy store. Marianne even told Val that if she called the morning of the wedding we could come in and have our makeup done for free. It's not practical because the wedding is so far away that we will still have Marcy do our hair and makeup, but it was so nice of them to offer. Apparently they will provide this service to anyone, you just have to call ahead on the day of the event.

The only bad part of our experience was when I got to the checkstand and had to pay for all of that 'candy'. I bought the Blu-Ray kit, the foundation, the primer, two pots of lip salve (one was a gift for Val), the brow powder, a moisturizer and three new makeup brushes (you don't want to use a makeup sponge with HD makeup because it will just soak into the sponge and you'll lose a ton of it to the sponge instead of your face, which was a useful and economical tip.) And the total? A sphincter clenching two hundred dollars (Val reminded me that I got a tax refund and I was stimulating the economy, so I wouldn't cry). But since I buy and wear makeup so infrequently, I guess if you amortize it I still spend less than the average woman.

We then went off to Soma, a bra store (sorry, 'intimate apparel' store). Apparently Val has been wearing ill-fitting, unflattering bras. So I had the saleswoman fit her and she is a D cup as I suspected instead of the C cup she thought. After trying them on she found them to be comfortable and very flattering (they made her look bustier and thinner, bonus!) So I tried some on (they made a push up model in my size, can you believe it?) and they really were comfortable and flattering. Val insisted on buying me one, bless her (my SIL bought me cleavage!). How girly girl can you get when your whole shopping day consists of makeup and lingerie?

I had an AWESOME time shopping with Val. I'm so glad she is going to be my sister. I love my brother and would never give up the life we've had together but having a sister to do girly girl things with is nice. (He would NEVER go makeup and bra shopping, and he actually likes shopping but that's pushing it too far.) Now I'm going to slather myself in ultra moisturizer and make myself look fabulous. Hmmm, if I put enough on will I look like a teenager again?

Lots and Lots of Ladybugs

In the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" one character has a metaphor for chasing after love.

“When I was a little girl, I used to run around in the fields all day, trying unsuccessfully to catch ladybugs,” Katherine says. “I’d get tired and lay down for a nap. When I awoke, I’d find the ladybugs walking all over me.”

Later, the character she told the story to thinks she has found love and tells her "Ladybugs, Katherine. Lots and lots of ladybugs."

Well, if you want to get covered in ladybugs (real, not metaphorical) then just come over to my garden.

I have been meaning to get my garden in shape and plant the vegetables and herbs I bought for this season. But every time I go to do it, the wind howls and the dirt flies in my face. So this week I cleaned out the garden and got rid of weeds and the mint that wants to take over (I'm going to be pulling mint forever, which is why this year it's going in a pot!) The sage is flowering and huge so I cut it back (and brought the flowers in the house) and the parsley, thyme and chives were growing madly so I cut them back too. I dug up the roots of the dead plants and watered so that I could turn the soil and mix in some organic material so that things will have some decent soil. There are all sorts of bugs in my garden, some weird little bugs and earthworms (good for the soil so they can stay) and I found these strange black and red bugs. When I went again the strange red and black bugs had become lady bugs. I looked them up on the Internet and indeed they are ladybug pupa and larvae. I must have a hundred ladybugs in my little patch.

Now I know that people buy ladybugs to put in their gardens to help control aphids so the ladybugs in my garden have an open invitation to stay. I just don't know where they all came from. I didn't see any in my garden last year, but this year there are so many. Last year I had praying mantis' and I hope they come back too. Every time I see the ladybugs I think of the rhyme we used to say. "Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home. Your house is on fire and your children will burn." I think this is a weird one, but apparently it was sung to warn the ladybugs when farmers burned their crops at the end of the season. I doubt the ladybugs understood. And apparently ladybugs are called ladybirds in the UK.

My garden will have the aforementioned herbs plus three kinds of basil, cilantro, tarragon, three kinds of tomatoes, dill, peppermint, spearmint and pineapple sage. I'm also going to plant strawberries but they always die on me so I don't know why I plant them but I'm going to try again.

Happy spring, Loyal Readers. And I wish you lots and lots of ladybugs.

Girly Girls Gone Wild

Yes, it's a sequel. But I realized that I forgot some stuff.

Unwanted hair removal, part 2. Do not try the "Smooth Away", hair removal system. It's fine grit sandpaper that you rub into your skin until the hair is removed. The only problem is that you have to rub until the first 2 layers of skin are removed as well. So instead of unsightly hair you have large red scabs. Hmmm, not an improvement. Still, it's better than the Epilady, remember that one? It was a coil that caught the hair in it and ripped it out by the roots. Kind of like those watches with the twisty flexible band. Yeah, that was fun.

Every woman I know has hair issues. If you have curly hair you wish your hair was straight, if it's straight you try to curl it. Thin hair people want thicker hair, thick hair people wish it wasn't so darn thick. Brunettes want to be blonds, blonds want to be lighter blonds. Hair issues abound, and there is a product that promises to help you deal with your problem. Remember when there were just a few brands of shampoo? Now in each brand there are five or more 'formulations' for each hair 'type' (apparently before the 80's there weren't as many types of hair). You can buy curling shampoo, thickening shampoo, moisturizing shampoo, straightening shampoo, shampoo for blonds, brunettes, redheads, shampoo for horses, shampoo with placenta, shampoo with sea kelp. And each shampoo has it's matching conditioner because apparently if you mix the wrong conditioner you head will explode. (Remember when the only conditioner was "creme rinse" and it was that pink stuff your mom put on you to detangle your hair?) I bought a new shampoo this week because it advertised that it was 'sulfite-free' for color treated hair which is important because sulfites are bad for color, at least that's what the bottle says. It's also 100% vegan, which is great if I ever want to eat my shampoo.

Yes, I color my hair (shh, don't say anything). I was born to be a redhead but there was a little mixup so I have to help Mother Nature. There are 2.658 million different hair colors on the market and as soon as I find the one that is perfect for me they discontinue it. Yes, I do it myself (sorry girls at Shag Me, but I can afford the $10 on my non-existent salary, but spending eighty bucks or more just isn't in my budget right now.) I color mostly to be a redhead, but also to cover those insidious little gray hairs that keep cropping up. I started getting gray hair when I was twenty, but my mom said they were just 'abnormal' hair. Unfortunately those 'abnormal' hairs keep inviting their friends over. Now someday I'm going to be a beautiful silver haired woman, just not for at least another 45 years or so. It's not like men, who can have "a touch of gray". For me it's all or nothing. I admire women who don't mind a little gray. I hope the day will come when I'm like them. But until then, hand me the Clairol Perfect 10, medium auburn please.

We haven't even touched on styling products, which will work the miracles that your shampoo and conditioner promised, but failed to completely deliver (never trust the promises of a product that smells like guava and lavender). You have your mousses, your gels, your smoothing product, your shining product, your hairspray that has everything from a 'light hold', to 'it won't move during a class 3 hurricane'. There is even a product to put in your hair that makes your hair feel like you didn't wash it today. (You could just not wash your hair today, but then they couldn't sell you the product, so let's not do that.) There are waxes and pomades and styling mud. You can easily spend hundreds of dollars just to get your hair to not do what you want it to, because let's face it, most of us can't do our hair the way the stylist did. Stylist look like normal people but they are actually wizards with magical powers to make your hair do things that it really can't and once you wash your hair after a salon visit you wash the magic out. Then your hair looks just like it always did. Plus, stylist have at least six hands, where as I only have two. Oh sure, you can watch them and it looks easy (it looks easy when David Copperfield makes the Statue of Liberty disappear too) and they can even 'show' you how to do it at home, but it never works. It ends up looking like the same style as interpreted by blind monkeys. Sometimes you can even get one section of hair to do what you want (maybe some tiny bit of magic didn't get washed out) but the rest of your hair rebels and does the exact opposite of what you want.

And makeup. I already admitted that I'm retarded when it comes to makeup. Like, for example, I have pink and cream skin. I thought that was a good thing. But apparently I was wrong because I was told to buy a primer in a green or olive tone to get rid of the pink in my skin (which you then put foundation over, then you put on blush to put some pink into your skin, which I had to begin with, hello!) But my mom has slightly yellow skin and she needs a different primer to get more pink skin. But if I have pink skin to begin with, why would I change it? (Someone out there is thinking that I don't 'get it' and they are right.) I also said I don't like wearing mascara and since I have fairly long, very thick dark lashes I don't feel like I have to wear it. I was told that then I should wear clear mascara. Why? The reason I don't like mascara to begin with is that it feels weird and goopy and gets in my eyes, which I rub and then they feel gross. I don't see how clear mascara isn't going to feel just as weird and goopy and plus it's CLEAR so what the hell do I need it for? I swear they just make this crap up. The only makeup I truly understand is concealer. If I could, I'd conceal everything.

Let's not forget bras. Bras that maximize, bras that minimize, bras that push up, bras that lift and separate. Wonderbras, water bras, 18 hour bras, sports bras, underwire bras, strapless bras, convertible bras (what to they convert to? Are they like Transformers, can the be a bra and say a satellite dish?). And don't get confused but nursing bras are not for nurses. I wear padded push up bras, because my boobs are, well, not large. I had to be the one plus sized woman on the planet who was not endowed with a massive chest. If I ever lost all the excess weight I'm pretty sure my chest would be concave. Trust me, it's not easy to find a 38 bra with padding, because bra manufacturers assume that once you hit size 38, you're going to have D size breasts. So I wear a padded bra that pushed what little I have up, which is good because they get tired of always looking at my shoes.

And underwear. You can spend more on underwear than you did on the outfit. Panties that cost over twenty bucks a pair. With seven days a week that's $140 or more and if you do laundry as infrequently as I do, you need a months supply so that's $560. Or you can be cheap like me and buy the multi-pack of cotton undies for $6 for five pair. And yes, my overly large rear likes the granny panties. I own some bikini style and even a couple of thongs but those are for 'special' occasions, which aren't really all that special when I'm constantly pulling my panties out of my, er, crackage region. Of course, when I do wear the thongs I'm reminded of why waxing exists.

And the pleasure of pantyhose, who can forget that? I hate pantyhose with a vengeance usually reserved for Gestapo. I truly feel that pantyhose are the work of Satan. The crotch of the pantyhose never reaches my actual crotch area, so I'm constantly pulling them up, and usually get a run in them on the first wearing. Thigh highs are better for me, but I worry about stray breezes lifting up my hem and showing off the fact that I'm wearing thigh highs. Knee highs were obviously invented for my paternal grandmother who wore them with dresses even though her dresses were an inch above her knees. I don't think they put pantyhose in those plastic eggs anymore which was the only fun thing about them. I think that the only acceptable use for pantyhose is to put over your head when committing a bank robbery.

Okay campers, join me tomorrow when I debate the 'pads with wings' versus the 'pearl-like applicator' controversy. Just kidding, the girly rant is over. Thanks for indulging me in my beauty tirade. Now I have to go buy some makeup and things to make my hair do what it did at the salon. (Yes, I may rant, but I still buy into the myth!

Girly Girl Stuff

It's not easy being a girl. And I'm not even talking about the baby making equipment. I'm talking about routine maintenance and upkeep.

I'm not a fan of makeup. It feels weird, it's time consuming and then you have to spend a lot of effort scrubbing it off at the end of the day. I was blessed with halfway decent skin, dark brows and lashes. So my daily makeup routine usually just involves swiping petroleum jelly across my lips. My lips are just about the only thing I care about so if I'm going to wear any makeup, it's usually lipstick. But lipstick feels heavy so even though I love the color it gives, I'm too lazy to reapply constantly. I did find Cover Girl's new lip stain, which lasts a really long time and doesn't feel like I'm wearing anything at all so I've been using that a lot lately.

My mom spends about 40 minutes every day putting on makeup. She says she needs it 'just to look normal'. I think she is beautiful no matter what, but she has very fair eyebrows and lashes which take a lot to darken and baby fine hair with no body (and even less hair after the chemo) which she has to set every day even though her daily hairstyle is now a chignon. It takes her forever to get ready each day, while I would get out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth and hair and go. Thank goodness I can get away with it. Now I know I look better with makeup (who doesn't?) but I'm too lazy to do it regularly. But with the movie and the wedding coming up I need to work on it a bit. I watched Marcy do my makeup, I'm going to ask lots of questions at Sephora when I go buy the Blu-Ray makeup. But I still feel a bit retarded when it comes to the whole beauty thing.

I do wax my eyebrows on a regular basis. If I didn't, it would look like Groucho Marx and Mr. Spock's eyebrows mated to on my face. They are bushy and pointed and would go unibrow if I let them. So I wax them every few weeks. Ouch, I know, you're thinking that waxing is painful. But trust me when I say that waxing is less painful than trying to pluck all of them out. I often wish I could give my mom an eyebrow transplant, because what comes out when I wax is enough to make her and two other women whole new brows. And if they ever need my DNA sample, these eyebrow hairs come out with the roots intact. Ouch indeed. Men don't worry about eyebrows, ever. And they should. Really guys. Especially you old guys. That crazy thing where old men have brows bigger than any other feature on their face is just creepy.

And skincare? You could easily spend hundreds of dollars a week on skincare. You've got cleanser, exfoliator, micro-dermabrasion, moisturizer, eye cream, deep wrinkle cream, sculpting cream, eye pods, lifting cream, dark circle cream, brightening cream, the list goes on and on. And remember toner? When every skincare regimen involved toner? Which was you basically drying the heck out of your skin by swiping rubbing alcohol over it. Let's not forget too, that all of the above things also come in formulations that have sunscreens in them for daytime. (I do believe in sunscreen, when you have pale skin and live in the desert it's a necessity.) And we have to buy all of them because you never know which one is going to do the trick.

Then there is the whole shave/wax/depilatory/laser hair removal issue. Do you shave your legs and underarms? That takes me forever but waxing seems too painful (I know, I said it didn't bother me on my eyebrows but my legs are a zillion times bigger that my eyebrow area.) I have yet to find a depilatory cream that actually worked. Usually it works on one part of my leg and leaves the hair perfectly intact on another. Plus it smells like it's made from dead animals and leftover perm solution. I can't afford laser hair removal. And we haven't gotten to the bikini zone area yet. I can't imagine going to a salon and getting a wax 'down there'. I won't let a guy see that area until after multiple dates and a lot of alcohol, so how am I supposed to let some woman I don't know put hot wax on that area and rip all the hair out? I shudder at the mental picture. (And I really have question the life choices that bikini waxers have made!) So I shave my legs and underarms and ignore the 'down there' region since I haven't had a date in forever and try to avoid swimsuits at all costs. I hate buying razors, because they are expensive and i never know which kind to get, twin blade, quatro blade, the kind stuck in a bar of soap. The last time I bought some they had ones with scented handles. Seriously? Is this a necessary thing? Are there lots of women sniffing their razor handles in the shower? And they had three different scents! Good grief.

My latest hunt is for the perfect 'hold you in' panties. They used to be called 'girdles', then 'foundation garments' now they're called 'shapewear'. I have the perfect pair that I got at Ross for cheap but they are black and my bridesmaid's dress is pink so that won't work. I bought a cheap pair at the big box retailer but they are itchy and yucky. I ordered Spanx online and they are so not going to hold me in, I might as well not be wearing anything. (Sorry all you Spanx fanatics out there, I'm sure for someone with just a little tummy bulge they are fine but I need something that would hold back an avalanche of fat and keep it from jiggling like jello in an earthquake.) I finally looked at my wonderful pair and found the faintest little writing that indicated they are by "Barely There". Of course when I went online they no longer make that exact style (duh, that's why they were at Ross.) So the search continues. I need these 'suck you in' panties. NEED. Guys don't care if their gut is hanging out for all to see, but I have to fit that dress AND look good in a movie so finding these panties is a crisis worthy of a Senate investigative committee. Thank goodness I already found the perfect strapless bra or I'd have to hire a detective.

Okay, so we have established that I'm hopeless when it comes to this girly-girl stuff. So I need your help, Loyal Readers. What is your beauty regimen and how can it benefit me? What the perfect answer to the mysteries of the uterus? I need to know. Now.

When It Rains, It Pours

No, this post isn't about rainy weather - there is no such thing in Las Vegas, and if there was the phrase would actually be "when it rains, it floods". I'm actually referring to how busy life can be sometimes and it always comes in a deluge, instead of a slow steady sprinkle. Why is that?

Last week was busy. This week is busy. Usually I have nothing more important than looking after The Graminator. And I'm already behind on Script Frenzy. Maybe it wasn't the best time when I'm prepping for the wedding and a movie shoot in 30 days.

I really want to work on cookies but there are things that are trying to vie for precedence. Thursday was the blocking rehearsal for the movie (this movie is going to be soooooo funny!) Friday we had our final fittings for our dresses for the wedding (mine zipped up easier, but I still need to lose another 3 pounds). Saturday we had a trial run through with the girl who is going to do our hair and makeup for the wedding (see picture below) the very nice Marcy from 'Shag Me' salon (the former Curl Up and Dye salon by UNLV.) It was fun, but it took FOREVER! Mine only took a short while but Val took forever, so they could get just the right style for the wedding (which makes sense because she is the bride.) I thought it would just be a couple of hours but we were there for like four and a half hours. It's a funky salon and they let us watch movies so it wasn't too bad. I had just hoped to get some other errands done as well. Marcy was cool and she gave me some great advice for finding makeup for the movie. We are shooting in High Definition, which magnifies every imperfection. Marcy told me that they now have makeup specifically for HD filming and that they sell it at Sephora. So add that to my list of things to do, because I want to look good in the movie (well, as good as possible anyway.)

Sunday we went to India's Grill for lunch since my brother said he was willing to try Indian food. He decided he wasn't a big fan although he did like the chicken tikka and basmati rice. But he gets bonus points for trying. Meanwhile the waitress and proprietors remembered us from our previous visit and came to talk to us again. Mom and I got the lunch buffet this time (a true bargain at $9.95) and it was so good. I can't even remember all of the choices but the fish curry, chilli chicken, chicken korma and multitude of vegetable dishes were awesome. And I could have all the kheer (rice pudding) that I wanted - the waitress even pointed it out to me, since she remembered how much I liked it last time. I even got a 'high five' as we left from the chef, Freddie. (I love family owned places where your business is truly appreciated). Then mom and I hung some curtains to make sure we like them. They are beautiful and I can't wait to post pictures when the redecorating is complete. We picked a paint color and tomorrow we are going on another shopping expedition for more accessories.

This week? Shopping. Cookies. Making the wedding bouquets and decorating the flip flops. A run to Sephora for Blu-Ray makeup. Oh, and let's throw in some writing too, okay? Blast off for all the events is May first, so 24 days and counting!

Okay, here are the hair/makeup test pictures. What do you think? This is the 'normal picture". The big flower will actually be 2 smaller flowers for the wedding.




And the '09 edition of iLife has a feature where you can put a background behind you. With the flower I felt tropical, so I put myself in an island oasis. If I can't go on vacation for real....well, I can go in fantasy!

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Okay, so I'm very excited to start my cookie favor endeavor. And I need to photograph the cookies in the best possible way to make them look oh, so appealing. Part of the reason this project means so much to me is because it combines things that I love, like food and being artistic. So I built a small 'photo studio' to start photographing with (there are one's available on the Internet for a hundred bucks or so but I found DIY instructions on how to make one and it only cost me ten dollars, and that's just because I went 'deluxe'.) And I made cookies. But after decorating most of them yesterday, I realized they weren't quite good enough yet.

Yes, I know that I'm a perfectionist. I also know that perfect isn't attainable. But these cookies need to be quite good in order to sell. There is a bit of competition out there with people charging up to $11 a cookie. I'm going to beat their price. And I know my cookies will beat theirs in taste (this is a truly great sugar cookie, honestly, the best I have ever eaten. And I can't stop my mom from eating them, which is a sure sign of quality.) But they also have to be really pretty. And I was having some icing issues that kept these from being A+. Oh, they were cute. But not cute enough. Right on the edge. But they need just a bit more, well, perfection.

I've always struggled with my artistic side, especially when it comes to visual arts. I can see clearly in my mind what it needs to look like, then I get very frustrated when I can't translate that vision into reality. I still remember one project in art class in junior high. We were working in pastels and I was doing a mountain scape. I knew exactly what I wanted but the finished picture just didn't work the way I wanted it to. I hated that picture, because it wasn't perfect. But I had to turn it in, for the grade. My teacher entered it into an art fair, where it won first place. My mother still has the picture and the blue ribbon. And I can't stand to look at it, because I know what it was SUPPOSED to look like. Writing is easier, because you can edit until you get it write, but with visual arts you have to either go with it or start completely over again.

So I wanted to quit yesterday. Because I let the nagging worry start to creep in. "They aren't good enough". "No one will buy them." "Why would anyone want these?" "Everyone else's are better." It is so easy to chicken out, to not take a chance in life. There are a million justifications for quitting, for not even trying. And I was ready to. But life isn't easy and it isn't perfect (at least not in my world.) And just about every great success has come from a lot of work and many failures along the way. If I had quit doing comedy when it wasn't perfect, I would have quit the second time I performed. The first time was really good (I say that in the context that it was my first time) and the second time I bombed. BOMBED. Laid a giant, stinky, rotten egg. I wanted to run and hide and never do that again. But I did it again, and again. And I had nights that were good and nights that were bad. But the good were more frequent and the bad were not as bad, until they were all good. And if I had quit, there is so much in life that I would never have done and so many people I would never have met. And how terrible that would have been. So maybe there are a million reasons why I shouldn't go into the cookie favor business. But the investment is mostly my time and if I don't try, I know it's something that later on I'll say, "Gee, I should have tried that". This time is supposed to be my time to try all of the things I can't do in a 9-5 world. So damn the nagging negative voices who tell me it's not going to work! Time to try again.

There is an upside to setbacks in the cookie business....someone has to eat all the cookies that aren't good enough. It's a tough job but I have plenty of applicants!

The Last Piece of Pie

This was a writing exercise I found as part of my end of the accountability bargain. You had to write for five minutes of a story, with the starting sentence of "She wouldn't give him the last piece of pie." Here is what I came up with this morning.

The Last Piece of Pie

She would not give him the last piece of pie. She was going to eat every last bit of it in front of him and enjoy every minute of it. She took the first bite and let it flow across her tongue. The rich and flaky crust gave way to the smooth chocolate filling. She almost groaned in pleasure as she licked the whipped cream off of her lips.

“C’mon, I said I was sorry, I wasn’t thinking when I said it,” he whined.

“You had your pieces, more than your share in fact. You don’t NEED any more pie,” she replied sarcastically, throwing his words back at him. She jabbed the fork into the pie and took another bite, pulling the tines slowly out of her mouth to emphasize her point.

“I just wanted you to share. I was teasing you.”

“You called me fat.”

“I didn’t call you fat, I never said you were fat. You’re the one who said you needed to lose a few pounds.”

“So you do think I’m fat!”

“I don’t think you’re fat. I don’t think you need to lose any weight. I think you’re fine just the way you are.”

“You’re just saying that.”

He walked across the kitchen and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her.

“I’m not just saying that. I think you are perfect. I’m sorry if I said anything that made you think otherwise,” he told her. He started kissing her neck. She resisted a little, then snuggled back against him. He kissed her on the lips. She kissed him back.

“This isn’t going to get you any of my pie, buster,” she told him between kisses.

“Pie? What pie?” he replied.

I started Script Frenzy yesterday plus I'm getting cookies ready for their photo shoot so that I can put up the cookie favor website. Tonight is a blocking rehearsal for the movie and tomorrow is the last fitting for the dresses before the wedding. Busy, busy, busy!