Things I Can't Do

I decided to take a comment by Maura yesterday and turn it into a list/writing exercise. She said, "Geez Louise, is there anything you can't do?". Sure, there are lots of things. I can do a great many things but most of them are only mediocre. But there are some things I can't do at all, and it makes me sad because I wish I could. Here's a rundown.

I can't speak a foreign language. It kills me. I'm like a parrot, if you tell me what to say I can say it, and even sound pretty good. But I have no idea how to form a sentence on my own, at least not one with any semblance of correct grammar. And believe me, I've tried. I took two years of French in high school, two semesters of Spanish and a semester of Japanese in college and even two courses in Sign Language at the community school and every teacher has told me the same thing, "You have the accent down perfectly, but your grammar sucks." I literally make myself ill taking language classes, worrying about being called on and not being able to form the right answer. I would love to speak a foreign language, any foreign language, but it is totally beyond my abilities.

I can't do math above very basic Algebra. Once it gets to signs and cosigns and tangents my brain shuts down. I remember being good at math, when math was just adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing. But once Algebra came along, I hit the wall. One teacher told me it was because I was a girl. But I knew he was full of it because my BF Traci could do it in her sleep. She was (and still is) a math genius (okay, to be fair she's an all-around genius but she has an amazing math aptitude that for me eclipsed all those other skills.) I was able to pass Algebra, Geometry and Trigonometry in high school, (although by what grace I'll never know) and I quit trying to even take college Algebra when it was clear that the third time was not a charm. My brain just can't do it.

I can't ice skate or rollerblade. I was around five or six when my Grandma took me to see the Ice Capades (whatever happened to them?) and I had visions of twirling around on the ice in my little gold lame skirt and matching ice skates. Then I went with my friend Sandy Emminger and her sisters to the only ice rink in Las Vegas which was then located in Commercial Center. We tied on our skates and I stood tall. We walked to the edge of the ice and I knew I was going to fulfill my destiny, to be the greatest skater the world had ever known. Then I stepped onto the ice and fell down. I got back up and my ankles wobbled like a drunk weeble and I made my way to the edge of the rink, which I clung to like the last lifeboat on the Titanic, and slowly made my way around the rink. If I clung tightly enough to the wall I could make it almost all the way around the rink without falling. But if I edged onto the ice I fell so fast and so hard that the time I was actually standing could be measured in nanoseconds. I realized that all of those spins and jumps took place in the middle of the ice, and that I was never going to make it to the middle of the ice, and I sadly hung up my imaginary gold lame skates. I can roller skate, which I would do around my neighborhood and the local roller rink, although I never did learn how to stop without some kind of either 'grab something/someone' to stop myself or 'slow to a complete stop' maneuver. I tried to ice skate again in high school but was affected again by that strange wobbling ankle problem, (my ankles do not wobble any other time) and after two turns around the edge of the ice gripping the wall I decided that if I ever went with friends ice skating again that it would really be in my best interest to sit on the sidelines with a cup of hot chocolate and cheer everyone else on.

I can't sing. Oh, I'm not the worst singer that you've ever heard, but I'm right up there. And I wish I could sing well, I really really do. I would give my left kidney to just once sing a song and sound wonderful. I have sung publicly, in my high school musical, where my drama coach thought my acting skills outweighed my lack of singing skills enough to give me the lead in the show. (Miss Slade is now in Heaven, due in no small part to this supreme act of kindness and poor judgement) and once with my friend Kim as one of her backup singers when she showcased at the Dunes hotel (and I do not think it was my voice that caused the hotel's implosion shortly thereafter) but all I had to sing was a few words and even I can hold harmony for two beats (three is pushing it.) But in my imagination I can sing like Whitney Houston belting out "I Will Always Love You", especially that part where it all comes to a crescendo. My lack of singing ability does not stop me from singing in my car, belting it out, pretending I am good. But the stares, points and laughter from other cars always brings me back to reality.

There are a ton more things I can't do, but this list is starting to depress me. I have to go do something I am capable of before it eats my self-esteem. But I'm going to imagine myself ice skating while I do it.