Happy Halloween

On this fine Nevada Day (for those who didn't grow up in Nevada, Nevada was admitted to the union on October 31, 1864) I hope you all have a happy Halloween.

To celebrate Halloween, we are handing out candy and I'm making home made doughnuts and hot apple cider and we are having a Wii tournament.

This year the theme of Nevada Day this year is "Hollywood in Nevada" so I guess it's fitting that we start shooting "Vegas Schmegas" tomorrow.

No matter what your plans, be they spooky or scary or fun, I hope they are safe and wonderful!

I Must Be Crazy

Okay, I know I'm insane, but with encouragement from my fellow writers, Maura and Dyann, I signed up for NaNoWriMo (short for National Novel Writing Month.) The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days. That's 1,667 words a day. In November. When shooting of Vegas Schmegas will take up no less than six full days just for photography, Thanksgiving will take up at least two days and my nervous breakdown will take at least a week. What was I thinking?

Actually, what I was thinking is that something needs to kick my writing in the butt and maybe this is it. I have been so focused on taking care of The Graminator and day to day life concerns that my writing has suffered and if I want my sabbatical to be a success then I need to actually put the car in drive and go for it. I love my family but I gotta do something.

The only problem with NaNoWriMo is that I already feel behind and I haven't even started yet. We start shooting on November 1st and that's the day NaNoWriMo starts. I guess I'll take a notebook on set with me and try to write between shots. I'm not only producing this weekend but also 1st A.D. and acting (but I'm playing a dealer and I only have one line). Let's just say it's going to be a hectic weekend.

Any and all support is welcome. And donations of Prozac and Valium are greatly appreciated.

Sparse Posting

Not too much time to post this week. "Vegas Schmegas" starts principal photography this Saturday. I'm furiously hunting down props and costumes. Thank goodness for Amazon, I was able to get most of the poker set stuff on line. And thank you Savers for having so much stuff for costumes. Now if I could just find a cheesy 1980's "keytar"...any ideas?

What Would I Tell Myself?

I saw a movie yesterday morning, okay, it was a cartoon, called "Meet the Robinson's". (I was making cupcakes and it was on after the other movie I had been watching so I really heard it more than I watched it. I don't usually watch cartoons.) In the movie, the little boy gets to meet his future self and tries to learn a few things. It made me wonder what I would have done if I knew what my future really held, and what I would ask or tell myself.

Let's say I could talk to the thirteen year old me. First off, I'm not sure I would have listened to myself (as at thirteen you think you know everything already anyway). And I firmly believe that it's my life experiences that have brought me to where I am in my life so I wouldn't want to change anything major because I like myself and while I'm not in the perfect place right now it's leading me to where I need to go. So what advice would I give? Here is what I would say to me.

"Don't be so afraid. 99% of the things you worry about will never even come close to happening. Your fear will keep you from experiencing some of the joy in life. The greatest experiences you will ever have will come when you do the scariest things. Just close your eyes, take a deep breath and jump. Yes, there will sometimes be pain, I can't promise you that you'll never get hurt, but I can promise that even in the very darkest moments of your life, everything will work out. Hold on to hope.

Know that your family is the greatest asset in your life, even if you can't appreciate that for a long time. Even when it seems like you'd be better off without them, know that they will always be there for you. They love you, even if they can't show it the way you want them too. They are doing the best they can, just like you are doing the best you can. Have patience, love and forgiveness and you'll save a lot of time later on. Don't waste a minute with them because they can't stay with you always and you will miss them more than you can imagine when they are gone. And your pesky, smelly little brother is going to be one of your best friends one day so be nice.

Really live your life. Don't worry about what you 'should' do and do what you love. It will lead you to the most interesting places and let you meet the most interesting people.

Be grateful for what you have because you really do have more than you need and life isn't about money. Your first car will NOT be a tan Mercedes convertible with brown leather interior, nor will your second or third and probably never, but you won't have to ride the bus either.

Open your heart to all of the possibilities. You will have your heart bruised, many times, usually by people you thought really cared about you, but your heart is strong and it will never really break and love is a journey. Realize that others are fallible too. Forgive but don't forget. People willing to hurt you once will do it again and it's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care about your well being.

Laugh, every day. Laughter is your gift and your salvation and you will need a sense of humor to get through life.

Finally, believe in yourself. Your fifth grade teacher was right, there is nothing you can't do. You just have to do it, not wish it or dream it, but work at it and make it happen. Don't be afraid, it's going to be a roller coaster ride for sure but oh, what a a ride it will be."

Saturday Morning Politics

I'll admit it, I learned a lot of political science watching Saturday morning cartoons. I was addicted to Schoolhouse Rock and the ones on government were my favorites. I can still recite the preamble to the Constitution. Those cartoons may explain why I majored in Political Science in college. One was my very favorite. Yes, even as a child I was a bit of a feminist and so my favorite was one called "Sufferin' for Suffrage". It still amazes me today.

This year we have an historic election. We will either have the first African-American President (because his father was African and his mother American) or the first female Vice President (because she has two X chromosomes.) But what has always amazed me is that African-American men have have the right to vote in this country longer than women of any race. Fifty years before women got the right to vote.

My paternal grandmother was in that first generation of women who got to vote (she turned 18 in 1921). She told me her father told her she had to be a Republican and told her how she needed to vote. But anyone who knew my Grandma Charlotte would tell you that nobody told her what to do. So she said "Yes, Father" and then voted the way she wanted to once she got inside the polling booth. I come from a long line of independent women (Charlotte's mother sold cakes in a section of the general store in Madera, California at the turn of the century. Hmm, maybe that's where my baking skills come from.) Thanks to the suffragettes who came before her, I too will get my turn in the polling booth. So to honor our historic past, present and future, here is my favorite Schoolhouse Rock. (Next week we'll learn to not drown our food!)

Virtual Reality Goes Too Far

Okay, I saw this story on the Internet and thought it was pretty funny. Apparently people are taking their virtual reality games a bit too seriously.

TOKYO – A 43-year-old Japanese piano teacher's sudden divorce from her online husband in a virtual game world made her so angry that she logged on and killed his digital persona, police said Thursday.

The woman, who has been jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo City said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations. The woman had not plotted any revenge in the real world, the official said. She has not yet been formally charged, but if convicted could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

As in "Second Life" in the U.S., players in "Maple Story" raise and manipulate digital images called "avatars" that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities and fighting against monsters and other obstacles. The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead. The woman was arrested Wednesday and was taken across the country, traveling 620 miles from her home in southern Miyazaki to be detained in Sappporo, where the man lives, the official said. The police official said he did not know if she was married in the real world.

In recent years, virtual lives have had consequences in the real world. In August, a woman was charged in Delaware with plotting the real-life abduction of a boyfriend she met through "Second Life." In Tokyo, police arrested a 16-year-old boy on charges of swindling virtual currency worth $360,000 in an interactive role playing game by manipulating another player's portfolio using a stolen ID and password.

Honestly, can you imagine taking a fake divorce that hard? I mean, when my Ken doll left my Barbie she didn't call G.I. Joe to do a hit on him. Also, why would you give anyone access to your login information? He probably deserved to get virtually killed for being really stupid.

Hmm, maybe instead of "Second Life", they should call it "Get a Life"?

Exercise Sucks! (Review #1)

I hate to exercise. I hate it, HATE it, HATE IT! It's a form of torture invented by masochists who enjoy other peoples pain. I never get a sense of pleasure (the 'endorphin' rush) and the only thing I feel when I'm done is relief that it's finally over. When I am really grooving exercise-wise, I do start to feel a sense of accomplishment, not because of enjoyment but because I am able to conquer something that I hate doing but need to do. (Which is also how I endure gynecologist visits and taking my car to the mechanic.)

I usually do an in-home walking program. I like it because it doesn't require a lot of equipment or special shoes and I can do it every day, no excuses. I highly recommend it to anyone who is out of shape and wants to start moving. it isn't hard but you can progressively challenge yourself to do more, walk further, etc. The one's I use are by Leslie Sansone and are called "Walk Away The Pounds". They really did help me lose weight the first time. They are great for gradually building up your strength and endurance and she has lots of tapes out there. I try to do two miles every day, although if I'm just not feeling it I'll do the one mile walk and if I'm really kicking butt I'll do the three mile walk or her interval workouts like "Walk and Box". I have about six of her DVDs so I can rotate through and not get too bored.

One day I wandered through the fitness section of Target and checked out their selection of workout DVDs. I saw several titles that grabbed my attention but with prices in the twenty dollar range I was hesitant to buy any. I'm really leery of workouts that might be too challenging for my overweight, out of shape, exercise hating self. I decided to check on Amazon to see if the prices were any better and to read some of the customer reviews. On one review I saw that someone said they had checked out the DVD at their local library. I decided to check my library to see if they had exercise DVDs and sure enough they did. What a great way to check out the workouts for free and see which ones might be worth the investment.



The first one I tried was "The Biggest Loser: Cardio Max" which says it is "a six week program for maximum weight loss." Plus it had real fat people (or former fat people at least) doing the workout. Which gave me hope that maybe I could do the workout too. You can customize your workout or follow their 'maximize your results' program. You start out in week one doing a warm up, a twenty minute boot camp cardio workout (with Biggest Loser trainer Bob) and a cool down. In week three you add a ten minute "super cardio drill" (with trainer Jillian) and in week five you add yet another ten minute cardio kickbox routine (with trainer Kim). So yesterday instead of my walking workout I decided to do Level One.

Let me start out by saying that the warm up is hard. Not what I would generally call a warm up as you start with jumping rope immediately. I'm used to a more gradual warm up so I was a bit surprised at the intensity of this one. I also wasn't wearing proper workout shoes (I don't have to with my walking DVDs, another bonus for them) so the jumping up and down on my concrete floor was painful so I modified the movements just a bit to cut down on joint damage.

Then the workout begins and I do mean work out. It's hard and I definitely knew I was doing cardio. There are a LOT of lunges, squats, etc. I'm not going to lie, there was a lot of effort involved. There is one girl on the video who does a modified workout so you can follow her when it's too intense. I followed her when I just couldn't take it anymore. I also didn't do the push up segment, because again, I have a concrete floor and I like my knees. I need to get an exercise mat for that segment. I just ran in place during that part. Even with modified movements and missing the push ups, it was a really intense workout. Just in level one! I was huffing and puffing and today I am sooo sore. But I still liked it. It was intense enough for me to really feel it but I didn't feel bad about the modifications and I felt like this was a workout I could slowly work up to doing more of. It was more lower body than upper body (as evidenced by my truly sore and tired butt and thighs) but since that's where most of my weight is, I think that's okay.

The verdict? I'm going to get this DVD. It's $8.99 on Amazon and I'll need to get a workout mat to do the floor exercises but I think doing it a couple of times a week (not the 4-5 they recommend, I would die before the end of week one!) will help me improve my strength and endurance. Don't try this workout if you have bad knees or ankles as it's pretty high impact. It also has a nice 'music only option' for once you get the routine down and don't want to listen to the same banter over and over again. (I wish that was a feature on my Leslie Sansone tapes, I do get tired of the babble.) The people on this tape, even if they aren't super fat, still look like normal people and they are really sweating as they exercise which made me feel better about myself. Overall, a good workout for most beginner and intermediate exercisers. I'll have to check out levels two and three after I get better at level one.

For the next review I'll be doing "The Bollywood Dance Workout with Hemalayaa". That is, once I can move my legs again.

Tips for Raising an 87 Year Old

Today we will 'lose' our outside support system. Medicare and the insurance company will only pay for the nurse and physical therapist for a certain period of time and now that The Graminator's bedsore is nearly healed and she's walking they are going to discharge her. In a way I'm glad, because the nursing visits were mostly non-existent for the past month and while I loved her physical therapist Nathan (a great guy who not only remembered the Miller Family Steakhouse, a beloved and long gone restaurant of my youth, he actually worked there so we probably saw each other a zillion times and never knew it) at a certain point he was just repeating the same exercises because now it's only repetition that will get her stronger. I'll miss Linda, the CNA, the most, because she helped give The Graminator showers a couple of times a week and now I'll have to do it alone. I loved chatting with Nathan and Linda because they were awesome people who dedicate their lives to helping others and because they were cool. They both taught me a lot about how to care for The Graminator and I will always be grateful for them.

So here are a few things I have learned from them and on my own as I raise my very own 87 year old. (Many of these tips may also be applicable to toddlers.)

1. If you hook a gait belt through the back of the couch, you can make your own safety belt. But tuck the buckle behind them because roving fingers can sometimes get it open.
2. Commode chairs can actually do double duty as shower chairs.
3. Recipe for a 600+ calorie mocha: 3 heaping tablespoons weight gainer, 2 teaspoons Benefiber, 1 Tablespoon Scharffen Berger sweetened cocoa powder, 1 packet instant coffee and 1 cup half and half. Yes, it's crazy but it's helped The Graminator gain back three of the pounds she lost.
4. The Wal-Mart brand of Depends are actually better that the name brand and about 3 dollars less. Buy the pull up kind and they feel like big girl underwear, but you can still rip them down the side seams for easy exit if necessary.
5. Connect the dot puzzles are good for mental reasoning. Buy the K-1 and they are pretty easy to read for older eyes.
6. They won't always tell you when they have to go to the bathroom, so look for body clues and have them sit on the potty chair occasionally just to 'see if you can go'.
7. Tell them they won't get dessert if they don't eat their meal (but give them dessert anyway because they need the calories.)
8. Make them read out loud to you.
9. Even if it's easier for you to do it, make them do things themselves to give them a better sense of independence.
10. Patience isn't a virtue, it's a necessity.

Remember to love them and treasure them, because they won't always be with you.

Why I Love America

There are lots of reasons I love America. But today it's because this is a country about hope and damn-it-all determination.

You all know that I am trying to lose a few pounds before my brother's wedding. (And the dreaded dominatrix costume for Vegas Schmegas.) I have lost six pounds in the last two weeks through a novel diet I developed called 'eat less and exercise more' (a radical new diet, books will fly off of store shelves). Some days are better than others (Hebrew National 97% Fat Free Hot Dogs taste like HOT DOGS and have only 45 calories per dog and are made from MEAT!) and it's about putting myself into the mindset of eating healthy and indulging occasionally instead of indulging constantly and eating healthy occasionally. (And major Kudos to Maura, who is following her own sensible eating an exercise regimen, you go girl!)

So this morning I read a story about a shortage of bananas in Japan because young girls are obsessed with the Morning Banana diet. Apparently young Japanese women are diet crazy (yeah, because of all of those fat Japanese people, sure) and will follow any fad. The latest is this Morning Banana Diet, where you have a banana and room temperature water for breakfast, anything you want for lunch and dinner, no desserts and go to bed by midnight. (Because if you feed them after midnight they turn into Gremlins) People are going so crazy for this diet that Japan can't get any more bananas. (I'm imagining a black market for bananas, guys in back alleys selling bananas for big money to desperate teenage Japanese girls.) Silly diet and silly girls. Of course, I live in a country that invented the grapefruit diet, so who am I to talk?

Then I saw a story that warmed the cockles of my heart (to paraphrase Denis Leary, more like the sub-cockle region really.) It was about a man, an AMERICAN, who ate a 15 POUND hamburger (cheeseburger, to be exact.) Nicknamed the 'Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser' the thing, with bun and toppings it weighed more than twenty pounds. Now there is a man I could love. Because he didn't do it for fame or fortune (he got $400 and three t-shirts from the bar that made the burger) but because he "wanted to see if I could". Bravo, that's the American spirit. Having been dreaming of cheeseburgers for the past week, I envy this man, although the picture looks like the burger had provolone cheese whereas my choice would have been cheddar and it had mild hot peppers while I'm a pickle girl. Still, with a cup each of mayo, mustard and ketchup, this man ate enough calories for a small third world country, just to see if he could. (I imagine he was promptly stomped to death by a herd of angry cattle as he left the bar.) Still, I admire Brad Scuillo of Uniontown, PA for his grit, determination and complete lack of care for his cardiovascular system. It's because of Americans like Brad that we will not only persevere through this economic crisis, but will once again thumb our noses at the rest of the world because we are indeed the greatest country on the planet and if a twenty pound cheeseburger doesn't prove that, I don't know what will.

The Comedy Kid Rides Again

I know it's been a LONG time since I've done a stand up gig, so for all of you who have been waiting so patiently to see me (in town too!) come out this Saturday night to the Redstone Grill at Tropicana and Fort Apache at 10pm, It's got a nice setup, with a stage and lights. This is NOT an open mic, but what the producers hope will become a permanent locals comedy club, for those who don't want to go to the strip. I'll be opening for Bill Tucker, a really funny (and incredibly energetic) comic who I've known for years.

Many people ask me how I became a comic. It's a strange but wonderful tale. I was bored, at home, doing nothing and decided I needed to get out of the house. So I decided to take some classes at the college, the continuing education kind, the ones you take for fun. I took "How to Buy a Home" which was to teach me how to save for a down payment, get financing, what I could afford, etc. (This, dear children, was the late 1990's, before you could buy a half million dollar home with only your dog as a credit reference.) The other class was "How to Be A Comedian".

It was taught by a guy named Charlie Brooks, who claimed to be related to the great actor and director Albert Brooks, except that Albert Brooks' real name is Albert Einstein, but I never told him that I knew better. (My first show biz lesson.) I thought from the course description that we would be watching videos of comedians like Eddie Murphy and Dennis Miller. You know, the abstract theory of how to be a comedian, not the practicum. So imagine my surprise when Charlie announced at the first class that in four weeks we would be performing on stage at the Alexis Park Hotel. I thought to myself "No way dude, I can't do that!" I went to my mom's house after class that night and told my brother and mother the same thing. In the next sentence that followed I said to them "What do you think of this as a joke?" and proceeded to tell them a joke that I had written in the car on the way to their house. (The first joke I ever wrote? "Growing up in Vegas I learned that sex is a lot like gambling... except that when you lose at blackjack, you don't have to put the dealer through college.")

So four weeks later I was at the Alexis Park Hotel with my classmates, or at least the ones that hadn't dropped out after the first class. (Apparently there were a lot of people who didn't know that performing would be involved.) I don't remember them all but I remember Kelly and Judy and of course, my comedy soul mate Chandler. Kelly bought me a shot of tequila at the bar which was when I learned not to do shots before going on stage, not that I got drunk, just that it sat at the bottom of my stomach and made it worse than the butterflies before it. (Judy got me not one, but two gigs at a Federal Penitentiary!) My whole family came out to see, my mom and dad (the only time my dad saw me do comedy). my brother, The Graminator, plus a whole bunch of friends from work (who, as my friend Richard put it, "came to see you bomb") But, it turns out, I have a natural knack for making people laugh. (Richard said "But you didn't".) I managed to make it through my set and when I came off stage a producer of another comedy club approached me and told me I was good and asked me how long I had been doing comedy. I told him "ten minutes", he said "no, seriously, how long have you been doing comedy?" and I said "Ten minutes. That was my first set, ever." He told me I was good and invited me to come do a set at his club that weekend. I did and it was my first paying gig so I made money the first week I did comedy. (Ten bucks.) It even got me thinking of a stage name, since none of the announcers could ever seem to pronounce my name (Seriously, Wilhite is not that hard to pronounce. But when they started calling me Shae Whitehead, I knew I had to change it. I mean, who wants to be known as a pimple? So I go by Shae Denin - a derivation of my paternal grandmother's maiden name -- and wouldn't you know it, the first time I went on stage the emcee pronounced it Da-neen.)

And that, as they say, was history. Except for the open mics performing for four drunks and sixteen other comics who ripped my set to shreds. And the gigs like the one where the guy who hosted asked me never to bring my brother to another show again (because my brother got more laughs heckling than the comic did) and all the trips that Chandler and I took to L.A. to work at The Improv, The Icehouse and The Laugh Factory (driving to LA, waiting all day to see if we made it onto the show, changing clothes in the gas station rest room, performing and driving back to Vegas in under twenty-four hours, not to mention the eight Denny's we ate/peed/slept in the parking lot of.) When I signed up for the class, I never would have believed that I would be in a show on the Las Vegas Strip for nine months, doing two shows a night, six nights a week, but it taught me so much without ever having to go out on the road. I never would have dreamed I would open for comics like Ray Romano, Bob Saget, Janeane Garolfalo and Margaret Cho. I never thought I would be named best new comic in Las Vegas and win a thousand dollars for it (my biggest comedy paycheck to date.) All from a class where I thought I'd be watching television in.

Now I don't do comedy as much because I played it safe and stayed with the day job while Chandler took his shot and moved to L.A. (and now came home, but at least he tried.) Now I'm writing which isn't as much instant gratification as performing but I don't have to put clothes and makeup on to do it. But every now and then, I get the chance to get back on stage. And let me tell you, there is no feeling I like better in this world than when I know I've made people laugh and have a good time and forget about their troubles for a little while. It is a gift, not one that I give to the audience, but one that they give to me. How cool is that?

So if you are in Vegas this Saturday night and you want to laugh, c'mon and check it out. I'll be the one with the microphone.

I Hate Skinny People

Okay, maybe hate is too strong a word. Let's just say I'm not a fan. Especially of people who have no idea of what it's like to struggle with weight issues. The worst are the ones who are a size four who exclaim "Oh, I am soooo fat!". I just want to hit those people. Look, call me when you can box in the light heavyweight division (over 178 lbs.) and then maybe I'll feel something for you but until then shut up and eat a sandwich already.

I have been overweight since childhood. It didn't help that my paternal grandmother made me breakfast every morning and by breakfast I mean enough food to fuel a lumberjack for a full day, (When it came time for finals when I was in high school she would make an extra big breakfast as "brain food". A huge T-Bone steak, eggs, hash browns, toast, the works. Granted, I had a pretty big brain but I also had a pretty big ass.) And I've never let my weight hold me back from anything I wanted to do (well, it may have hindered my career as a ballerina but since I never wanted to be a ballerina it's okay.) My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol is fine and (knock on wood), I have been really healthy.

But I'm getting older and after I turned thirty-five I noticed that my weight hung a few inches lower that it ever had been. While I've always been a pear shape, I don't want to end up a pyramid. So I want to lose a little weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to be overweight. Just slightly less overweight. And then my goal is to keep that weight off instead of gaining it back. I'd rather lose twenty pounds and keep it off than lose fifty and gain it all back (been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, then had to exchange it for a bigger size.) And as much as I hate exercise, (and I do, I despise it with a passion usually reserved for fascist dictators) I know that it will help me stay healthy. (Still hate it.)

The media makes so much about thin these days. Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, they would be considered heifers these days. The media is blasting Eva Longoria for being fat (what the hell?!?, my right thigh is bigger than she is.) And those girls on the new "90210" look as thought they could star as starving children in a Sally Struthers infomercial. Please, can we have a Hollywood actress who looks somewhat realistic? I'm not talking a size twelve or fourteen (even if that is pretty normal) but maybe a size ten?

Dieting is hard. Oh, I can cook up some great healthy recipes but inside, all I want is a cheeseburger (and I mean a cheeseburger, not a soy patty on a whole wheat bun with fat free cheese.) I saw one website that had lo-cal chili cheese fries. I was intrigued since I am somewhat of a chili cheese fry aficionado. When I looked at the recipe it was soy chili and fat free cheese over BUTTERNUT SQUASH FRIES! What taste-bud missing moron came up with that!?! Now I happen to like roasted butternut squash but it tastes NOTHING like a french fry, nothing at all. And to top it with soy chili and fat free cheese makes me want to upchuck my egg white omelet and dry whole wheat toast breakfast. Please, I'd rather have one lonely, single, solitary real chili cheese fry than a whole plate of that crap. If that's what skinny people eat, I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and doomed to a life of pseudo-food.

This morning I woke up starving and not wanting to exercise and I was going to say 'eff this' and have a real breakfast when I stepped on the scale and found I had lost two pounds. Dammit. So instead I walked my two miles and had my crappy, er, I mean healthy breakfast and I guess I'll stick with it a little while longer. But I still want a cheeseburger.

Wish List

I have no idea what to post about today and I'm feeling pretty uncreative (I think it's the lack of food) so I'm just going to post my wish list, of things I'm wishing for.

1. I wish the election were already over so there wouldn't be any more television ads, phone calls and people knocking on my door trying to get my vote.
2. I wish I could make my grandma better.
3. I wish I had enough money to make my family comfortable.
4. I wish the foods that are 'good' for you tasted as good as the foods that are 'bad' for you.
5. I wish exercise wasn't a chore. Ditto for dieting.
6. I wish that houses cleaned themselves.
7. I wish they would stop telling people that their television sets will stop working on February 17th because they won't, they just won't receive an analog signal any more.
8. I wish Jon Porter would stop those "Tax-us" ads against Dina Titus. She's from Georgia, you moron.
9. I wish the body shop would fix my mom's car quickly.

But as my Dad used to say to me when I was a kid, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." Of course, I always wondered why in the heck beggars would want a horse, wouldn't they wish for money or something useful? Oh well.

Post No Graffiti

I welcome comments on this blog. This blog is an important part of my life and I try to take it seriously. I also try to listen to my Loyal Readers and I enjoy the feedback.

But please, do not leave comments of pure profanity for no apparent reason. If you want to be profane, at least be creative about it. And be honest enough to use your real name. Anonymous profanity is the equivalent of just writing graffiti on my blog and it's not cool.

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog, you make me a better writer and keep me motivated. And thanks to everyone who leaves creative, constructive comments, your voice is always appreciated!

The stock market is in free fall, world economy in collapse, natural disasters occurring in alarming numbers, a presidential election of historic proportion...it's ARMAGEDDON! What are we going to do!?!

My philosophy of life has always been that you can laugh or you can cry and I choose laughter every time. For those who didn't catch "Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday" (is that a huge mouthful of title or what?) watch this clip. Most of it is pretty darn funny, especially the "Really? Oh My God Are you Serious?" segment that is at the end of the clip (forward to 4:22 if you are in a hurry, it totally sums up the ridiculousness of the whole financial crisis.)



Laugh and enjoy and remember the words of REM..."It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!"

Memories

Yesterday we had an appointment at The Memory Clinic. When The Graminator was in the hospital, someone referred her to the clinic. When they called us to schedule an appointment, I thought it was a big waste of time. We already knew she had Alzheimer's and she was on Aricept, so really, what more could we do?

I made the appointment anyway because the woman on the phone said it was very difficult to get an appointment with Dr. Singh and I figured I could always cancel it. Boy, am I glad we didn't. Can I just say that while The Graminator has a yucky HMO insurance (which both my mother and I have as well, because it's cheap and I'm an unemployed writer and my mom works at a day old bread store so what are you going to do?) we have found her doctors to be EXCEPTIONAL. I love her primary care doctor, Dr. Johnson, who looks like a middle aged housewife and nothing like a doctor and I found Dr. Singh to be totally cool.

First they gave The Graminator these somewhat bogus memory tests, some of which she couldn't do, not because of her memory but because of her vision issues. The tests really made my mom mad but we really weren't supposed to talk. Finally when the nurse was asking The Graminator what a specific item was (it was his watch) my mom got upset. The Graminator had never had a digital watch before so she had no idea what it was. My mom said "If I wanted to know what time it is, what would I look at?", to which The Graminator replied "Not that ugly thing!" (Yes, it was a big, ugly black plastic digital watch. My grandma is used to petite gold analog watches.)

Then Dr. Singh came in. We had looked him up on the Internet and it turns out that he is the head of Geriatrics for Southwest Medical. He is Sikh, I think, with the turban and beard and everything. He asked The Graminator some more questions but they were more interesting and relevant. He was totally funny too. When he noticed that The Graminator seemed hard of hearing he asked how long that had been going on. When we told him it was recent, since the fall, he looked in her ears. When he put the light thing in her left ear he asked my mom if she could see the light coming out the other side. Too funny. It turns out The Graminator has some wax in her ears which is affecting her hearing. Everyone else just put it down to old age. He said we could take her to an audiologist too but warned that hearing aids could run several thousand dollars. We'll see how the ear drops he prescribed do.

He also told us to have her vision checked again. He mentioned that while memory loss does happen as we age, we can slow it down and part of that is stimulating the brain, visually, audibly, etc. He prescribed an additional Alzheimer's drug, Namenda, to slow the progression of her memory loss. He said we can't get memory back (so we are stuck with her having little short term memory) but that we can keep her where she is and keep her quality of life intact. Without intervention, he said not only would she forget who and where she was, but even forget how to eat, etc. But he gave us lots of hope for that never happening. Today I'm going to buy her some flash cards and toys to play with to stimulate her brain (see, it really is like raising a two year old.)

He told us to stop the cholesterol medicine she is on (at 87 with no history of stroke or heart attack he said it was unnecessary) and to get her on a osteoporosis medication. He also gave us a lot of information on Reclast, the injectible osteoporosis drug and recommended it for my mom too, who has been having trouble with the other drugs like Boniva and Actonel and now is even having trouble taking simple calcium (it's causing terrible stomach issues.) He was AWESOME, really helpful and communicative and fun. He also said that my Grandma was blessed to have us, and that taking care of her at home was the best possible thing we could ever do. It make me very glad that I can be there for her, and very sad that so many seniors don't have that support system. I can't tell you how many people have commented on us and our care for her. It seems strange to me that we would be the exception and not the rule.

Did you know that life expectancy now is 78, but if you live to be 85 that your life expectancy actually goes UP to 91 or 92? And if you make it to 100, your life expectancy goes up again, to 102? But you got to take care of your brain, people. As you age, your brain loses important chemicals which causes memory loss. At the next appointment I am going to ask Dr. Singh what my mom and I can do to help our brains too, even when we are younger. I'll let you know. But right now, stimulate your brain with television and books and art and color and simple math. I believe that part who I am comes from my memories and experiences and I don't ever want to lose that!

Life Isn't Fair

My father used to tell me that all the time when I would rail about the injustices of the world, and he was right. It isn't fair. But you make the best of it.

Unless, of course, you are a little kid in which case adults make all the rules and you don't get a say in it. Take the case of the little girl in Nepal who had just been named the new "kumari" or living goddess to be worshipped by Hindus and Buddhists as the incarnation of the Hindu deity Taleju. Sounds pretty good, right? Especially since she was chosen from an impoverished caste (if you ever doubt that life is unfair, just look at the caste system sometime!). She will now live in a palatial temple swathed in red silk and have devotees bow their heads to her feet. Sounds good, right?

Well, to find this goddess they interview these 2- to 4-year old girls by looking at their horoscopes and then making sure she has perfect hair, eyes, teeth and skin, and then making sure she isn't afraid of the dark. How do they do that? By making her spend a night alone in a room full of ritually slaughtered goat and buffalo heads without showing fear. Yeah, that sounds like fun for a three year old.

After she is chosen she gets to be taken from her parents and live in almost complete isolation (except for holy days when she gets the feet bowing thing) until she reaches puberty when she is no longer holy any more and some new little kid takes her place. Yeah, silk ribbons until you get your period then they toss you out like yesterday's newspaper. Oh, and there is this rumor that men who marry former kumaris die young so no one wants to marry you. Which is okay because living in isolation since you were three probably doesn't give you much in the way of social skills.

Look, I'm not going to judge any one's religious practices but you really need to ask yourself if it's the practice is truly necessary. Do they really need to do that to little girls? It would be one thing if she were an adult and could make that decision on on her own but she isn't. Hey, we would all be upset if there was a religion still practicing virgin sacrifice, wouldn't we? And isn't that what this is in essence? You use her innocence and then when she isn't 'innocent' any more you send her out into a world that she isn't prepared for nor will truly accept her back. Ick. The things that are done in the name of religion never cease to amaze me. And not to go into a feminist diatribe here but doesn't it seem that in most religions, women get the short end of the stick?

So life isn't fair. But I guess it could always be worse.

Making a Real Effort

Okay, so I have been lazy. Oh, I know that I have a lot going on and it's very easy to use that as an excuse for not getting things done but the fact of the matter is that if I organized myself a little better I could accomplish more.

Val asked me yesterday to be her Maid of Honor. That means I need to fit into a dress and not embarrass myself or my brother and his new wife in their wedding pictures. For any one who doesn't know my 'fat assed saga', I have always been 'fluffy" (doesn't that sound cuter than fat? Like I'm filled with creamy nougat or something..) A few years ago I started working out and eating healthy and I lost 55 pounds. Then I stopped exercising and started eating crap again and gained back 54. But I know it's not healthy for me to to be sedentary (my eating habits are now actually quite good, since I have to cook for more than just myself and I've stopped eating fast food again.) I'd like to lose 30 pounds by the wedding (which is in seven months so that's totally do-able). So I got out my in-home walking DVDs and I'll start walking two miles a day again and trying to work out on the Wii Fit for twenty minutes three or four times a week. That should boost my metabolism and if I cut out eating dessert (except on Sundays when the constant cupcake testing occurs) I should be able to drop the weight I want and get into better shape. I'm also playing a dominatrix in a skimpy outfit in a month for Vegas Schmegas so losing a few pounds before then won't kill me.

I've also been slacking on my writing but that's going to change too. Yes, The Graminator needs constant supervision but there are four computers in this house, two of which are laptops so there really isn't any excuse. Yes, I like working on my Mac the best but sometimes you just have to suck it up. Dyann and Maura have both finished their novels and if I want to do the same I really have to put the work in. It will only benefit me in the long run. (CONGRATULATIONS DYANN!!!!!!!) I'd like to finish it this month but with pre-production really gearing up for the VS shoot, I'm going to cut myself some slack and say by the end of November. If I finish early, great. But that's my 'deadline'. I have other stories that need to be told and I can't write them until this one is out of me. So I gotta just do it.

I have about a zillion other projects that I need to start or finish or both. No more excuses, no more delays. The rest of my life starts today and I've got to make it a good one. When I finish my life story, I want to know that I did everything I could, not just sat around and daydreamed it!

Trying Out Wedding Cakes

No, not for me (don't I wish) but for Will and Val.

They finally set a date. May 2, 2009. They really wanted to get married at the Clark County Heritage Museum, which is this cool place where they took old homes and things to this one site and restored them with period furniture, etc. Yes, most of the things are from the 1940's and 1950's, but in Las Vegas, that's historic. At the end of this street of houses and things is a gazebo and that's where they want to get married. They are restoring an old wedding chapel too but won't be done in time for the wedding. The museum doesn't usually host weddings but Val called and talked to a very nice woman who went to the Board and got them to approve it. The site will only cost them a $200 donation and they have benches for guests to sit on and everything. They are still looking for a reception location but they think they know where they want that too.

So I volunteered a long time ago to make their wedding cakes. I say cakes because instead of one tiered cake they wanted several individual cakes that we would put on a multi-level stand. But now with all the cupcake baking I've been doing lately, Val thinks she might want cupcakes instead. I told them I had even see a cupcake stand that you could put an eight inch round cake on top so they could still have a cake to cut with a topper and then individual cupcakes on the other tiers. So now we need to decide on flavors so that I can perfect them over the next few months so that I can do them in my sleep by wedding time.



The 'theme' of the wedding is cherry blossoms and I am working on making a gazillion cherry blossoms out of gum paste to decorate the cake and cupcakes with. I could buy the flowers but since I have some 'free time" I thought I would try making them. They don't look too hard once you get the knack. I also need to work on a cherry cupcake. My brother suggested a cherry cheesecake cupcake and I want to make them happy but also remain true to myself as a baker. So I'm going to try this weekend and make a cupcake with chopped cherries (real ones, not marachino) in it with a graham cracker bottom and frosted with a marscapone cheesecake frosting. I'll see how it works and how they like it. The main cake for them to cut would (hopefully) look like the top picture.



While surfing the Web for ideas, I came across these cupcake wrappers. Aren't they adorable? I'm thinking if we put the cakes in a pink liner then into these they would look amazing. We will decorate the cupcake stand with ribbons, flowers, etc. What do you think? I want everything to be perfect for them so I've got to get to work!

Book Club

Monday night was book club. Book club was started a couple of years ago by my friend Tina. Tina is an incredibly social person who I would like to emulate but I'm way too shy. She is definitely the social director of the group. I like her friends really well and they have become my friends by osmosis. I don't call them to go hang out or anything but then they don't call me either. But I always enjoy their company and I was really grateful for their love and support on Supermodels. It's funny how friends of friends become friends and I have been to their homes and they have been to mine, etc. They are so cool.

Tina started book club to A) read and B) get a chance to get caught up with people socially. We are supposed to talk abut the book for at least fifteen minutes. Most of the time, one or more people doesn't even finish the book. We read three or four books, then Tina had her son Avi and we just sort of lapsed. (See, I told you Tina was the social director of the crew.) Usually after reading the book we meet at some one's house for dinner and discussion. We had a 'cocktail party' and movie viewing after we read "Valley of the Dolls". (It was my pick and we had just done "Assassination Vacation" and I wanted to read something trashy after that.) We did "The Historian" in late September and I did a fall dinner with curried pumpkin soup, mushroom duxelles crepes and baby caramel apples with winter fruit sangria (Hey, it was a book about vampires, you gotta have dark red wine, right?) After that Avi was born and no more book club.



I was surprised about six weeks ago to find a package from Tina in the mail. It was a book with a note that said we were re-starting book club and this was the first book. It was "The Wonder Spot" by Melissa Bank (who wrote "The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing") and Tina chose it because it was the only five dollar sale book on Amazon that had ten copies. She sent one to each of us with a note to "try to read". Via email later we set the date. Okay, honesty time. I meant to read the book right away but it came when The Graminator was in the hospital and it got pushed aside, then under a pile of other stuff. I might not have read it at all except that on Sunday Val and I were talking and she mentioned that she was reading "Valley of the Dolls" because it was on the Real Simple online book club list. I told her that we had read it for our book club (I'm as hip as the editors at Real Simple, apparently) which triggered in my pea brain that I had book club the next night and I hadn't read the book yet. I dug around my room until I found it and read it. Fortunately it was an easy read and only about three hundred and twenty pages. I finished it around five on Monday, two hours before the book club meeting. I'm glad I did because this was the first time we had all read the book!

We met for dinner at Marche Bacchus, a wine store and restaurant on the lake at Desert Shores. (For those not from Las Vegas, we have no real lakes, only man-made ones. The most famous, of course, is Lake Mead, made when they built the Boulder (Hoover) Dam, and it's the largest man-made lake in the United States. But we have several smaller ones they created so rich people could have waterfront property in the middle of the desert. The biggest and most expensive, Lake Las Vegas (which isn't in Las Vegas) is actually kind of gross, it smells really bad sometimes. Anyway, the restaurant was on the water at Desert Shore and we sat outside. It was a little warm (about ninety degrees at seven p.m., that's what fall is like in Vegas. It's supposed to get down to eighty-five by Saturday, then go back into the nineties. Ugh. What I would give for crisp fall weather!) The restaurant was nice but pretty pricey. You know it's expensive when the wine is the cheapest thing you order. It was good food and I enjoyed it, just overpriced. Tina had halibut with mashed potatoes and it was thirty-two dollars. Hello, do you know how much fish and mashed potatoes I can make for thirty bucks? I probably wouldn't have minded spending sixty-five dollars on dinner if I wasn't an unemployed writer. Oh well, the company was awesome and we actually found a nice red wine that I liked and it was only eighteen dollars a bottle, plus ten percent off of that on Mondays. It was called "Row Eleven" and it was a lovely California Pinot Noir and I highly recommend it.

The book was okay, not my favorite and I wasn't a fan of the disjointed chapter style. As Tina put it, "I liked it but would have a hard time recommending it to someone." it was about the life of a Jewish woman named Sophie Applebaum and her commitment phobic dysfunctional life (love and family) from age twelve to about thirty-five. Our next book is "Lunar Park' by Brett Easton Ellis and I ordered it from the library (unemployed writer who blew all of her spending money on the book club dinner.) I'm glad book club is back, it gives me a chance to get out socially a little at a time when I do so very little socializing. I had a great time talking books and food, my two most favorite subjects!