Girly Girl Stuff

It's not easy being a girl. And I'm not even talking about the baby making equipment. I'm talking about routine maintenance and upkeep.

I'm not a fan of makeup. It feels weird, it's time consuming and then you have to spend a lot of effort scrubbing it off at the end of the day. I was blessed with halfway decent skin, dark brows and lashes. So my daily makeup routine usually just involves swiping petroleum jelly across my lips. My lips are just about the only thing I care about so if I'm going to wear any makeup, it's usually lipstick. But lipstick feels heavy so even though I love the color it gives, I'm too lazy to reapply constantly. I did find Cover Girl's new lip stain, which lasts a really long time and doesn't feel like I'm wearing anything at all so I've been using that a lot lately.

My mom spends about 40 minutes every day putting on makeup. She says she needs it 'just to look normal'. I think she is beautiful no matter what, but she has very fair eyebrows and lashes which take a lot to darken and baby fine hair with no body (and even less hair after the chemo) which she has to set every day even though her daily hairstyle is now a chignon. It takes her forever to get ready each day, while I would get out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth and hair and go. Thank goodness I can get away with it. Now I know I look better with makeup (who doesn't?) but I'm too lazy to do it regularly. But with the movie and the wedding coming up I need to work on it a bit. I watched Marcy do my makeup, I'm going to ask lots of questions at Sephora when I go buy the Blu-Ray makeup. But I still feel a bit retarded when it comes to the whole beauty thing.

I do wax my eyebrows on a regular basis. If I didn't, it would look like Groucho Marx and Mr. Spock's eyebrows mated to on my face. They are bushy and pointed and would go unibrow if I let them. So I wax them every few weeks. Ouch, I know, you're thinking that waxing is painful. But trust me when I say that waxing is less painful than trying to pluck all of them out. I often wish I could give my mom an eyebrow transplant, because what comes out when I wax is enough to make her and two other women whole new brows. And if they ever need my DNA sample, these eyebrow hairs come out with the roots intact. Ouch indeed. Men don't worry about eyebrows, ever. And they should. Really guys. Especially you old guys. That crazy thing where old men have brows bigger than any other feature on their face is just creepy.

And skincare? You could easily spend hundreds of dollars a week on skincare. You've got cleanser, exfoliator, micro-dermabrasion, moisturizer, eye cream, deep wrinkle cream, sculpting cream, eye pods, lifting cream, dark circle cream, brightening cream, the list goes on and on. And remember toner? When every skincare regimen involved toner? Which was you basically drying the heck out of your skin by swiping rubbing alcohol over it. Let's not forget too, that all of the above things also come in formulations that have sunscreens in them for daytime. (I do believe in sunscreen, when you have pale skin and live in the desert it's a necessity.) And we have to buy all of them because you never know which one is going to do the trick.

Then there is the whole shave/wax/depilatory/laser hair removal issue. Do you shave your legs and underarms? That takes me forever but waxing seems too painful (I know, I said it didn't bother me on my eyebrows but my legs are a zillion times bigger that my eyebrow area.) I have yet to find a depilatory cream that actually worked. Usually it works on one part of my leg and leaves the hair perfectly intact on another. Plus it smells like it's made from dead animals and leftover perm solution. I can't afford laser hair removal. And we haven't gotten to the bikini zone area yet. I can't imagine going to a salon and getting a wax 'down there'. I won't let a guy see that area until after multiple dates and a lot of alcohol, so how am I supposed to let some woman I don't know put hot wax on that area and rip all the hair out? I shudder at the mental picture. (And I really have question the life choices that bikini waxers have made!) So I shave my legs and underarms and ignore the 'down there' region since I haven't had a date in forever and try to avoid swimsuits at all costs. I hate buying razors, because they are expensive and i never know which kind to get, twin blade, quatro blade, the kind stuck in a bar of soap. The last time I bought some they had ones with scented handles. Seriously? Is this a necessary thing? Are there lots of women sniffing their razor handles in the shower? And they had three different scents! Good grief.

My latest hunt is for the perfect 'hold you in' panties. They used to be called 'girdles', then 'foundation garments' now they're called 'shapewear'. I have the perfect pair that I got at Ross for cheap but they are black and my bridesmaid's dress is pink so that won't work. I bought a cheap pair at the big box retailer but they are itchy and yucky. I ordered Spanx online and they are so not going to hold me in, I might as well not be wearing anything. (Sorry all you Spanx fanatics out there, I'm sure for someone with just a little tummy bulge they are fine but I need something that would hold back an avalanche of fat and keep it from jiggling like jello in an earthquake.) I finally looked at my wonderful pair and found the faintest little writing that indicated they are by "Barely There". Of course when I went online they no longer make that exact style (duh, that's why they were at Ross.) So the search continues. I need these 'suck you in' panties. NEED. Guys don't care if their gut is hanging out for all to see, but I have to fit that dress AND look good in a movie so finding these panties is a crisis worthy of a Senate investigative committee. Thank goodness I already found the perfect strapless bra or I'd have to hire a detective.

Okay, so we have established that I'm hopeless when it comes to this girly-girl stuff. So I need your help, Loyal Readers. What is your beauty regimen and how can it benefit me? What the perfect answer to the mysteries of the uterus? I need to know. Now.