Girly Girls Gone Wild

Yes, it's a sequel. But I realized that I forgot some stuff.

Unwanted hair removal, part 2. Do not try the "Smooth Away", hair removal system. It's fine grit sandpaper that you rub into your skin until the hair is removed. The only problem is that you have to rub until the first 2 layers of skin are removed as well. So instead of unsightly hair you have large red scabs. Hmmm, not an improvement. Still, it's better than the Epilady, remember that one? It was a coil that caught the hair in it and ripped it out by the roots. Kind of like those watches with the twisty flexible band. Yeah, that was fun.

Every woman I know has hair issues. If you have curly hair you wish your hair was straight, if it's straight you try to curl it. Thin hair people want thicker hair, thick hair people wish it wasn't so darn thick. Brunettes want to be blonds, blonds want to be lighter blonds. Hair issues abound, and there is a product that promises to help you deal with your problem. Remember when there were just a few brands of shampoo? Now in each brand there are five or more 'formulations' for each hair 'type' (apparently before the 80's there weren't as many types of hair). You can buy curling shampoo, thickening shampoo, moisturizing shampoo, straightening shampoo, shampoo for blonds, brunettes, redheads, shampoo for horses, shampoo with placenta, shampoo with sea kelp. And each shampoo has it's matching conditioner because apparently if you mix the wrong conditioner you head will explode. (Remember when the only conditioner was "creme rinse" and it was that pink stuff your mom put on you to detangle your hair?) I bought a new shampoo this week because it advertised that it was 'sulfite-free' for color treated hair which is important because sulfites are bad for color, at least that's what the bottle says. It's also 100% vegan, which is great if I ever want to eat my shampoo.

Yes, I color my hair (shh, don't say anything). I was born to be a redhead but there was a little mixup so I have to help Mother Nature. There are 2.658 million different hair colors on the market and as soon as I find the one that is perfect for me they discontinue it. Yes, I do it myself (sorry girls at Shag Me, but I can afford the $10 on my non-existent salary, but spending eighty bucks or more just isn't in my budget right now.) I color mostly to be a redhead, but also to cover those insidious little gray hairs that keep cropping up. I started getting gray hair when I was twenty, but my mom said they were just 'abnormal' hair. Unfortunately those 'abnormal' hairs keep inviting their friends over. Now someday I'm going to be a beautiful silver haired woman, just not for at least another 45 years or so. It's not like men, who can have "a touch of gray". For me it's all or nothing. I admire women who don't mind a little gray. I hope the day will come when I'm like them. But until then, hand me the Clairol Perfect 10, medium auburn please.

We haven't even touched on styling products, which will work the miracles that your shampoo and conditioner promised, but failed to completely deliver (never trust the promises of a product that smells like guava and lavender). You have your mousses, your gels, your smoothing product, your shining product, your hairspray that has everything from a 'light hold', to 'it won't move during a class 3 hurricane'. There is even a product to put in your hair that makes your hair feel like you didn't wash it today. (You could just not wash your hair today, but then they couldn't sell you the product, so let's not do that.) There are waxes and pomades and styling mud. You can easily spend hundreds of dollars just to get your hair to not do what you want it to, because let's face it, most of us can't do our hair the way the stylist did. Stylist look like normal people but they are actually wizards with magical powers to make your hair do things that it really can't and once you wash your hair after a salon visit you wash the magic out. Then your hair looks just like it always did. Plus, stylist have at least six hands, where as I only have two. Oh sure, you can watch them and it looks easy (it looks easy when David Copperfield makes the Statue of Liberty disappear too) and they can even 'show' you how to do it at home, but it never works. It ends up looking like the same style as interpreted by blind monkeys. Sometimes you can even get one section of hair to do what you want (maybe some tiny bit of magic didn't get washed out) but the rest of your hair rebels and does the exact opposite of what you want.

And makeup. I already admitted that I'm retarded when it comes to makeup. Like, for example, I have pink and cream skin. I thought that was a good thing. But apparently I was wrong because I was told to buy a primer in a green or olive tone to get rid of the pink in my skin (which you then put foundation over, then you put on blush to put some pink into your skin, which I had to begin with, hello!) But my mom has slightly yellow skin and she needs a different primer to get more pink skin. But if I have pink skin to begin with, why would I change it? (Someone out there is thinking that I don't 'get it' and they are right.) I also said I don't like wearing mascara and since I have fairly long, very thick dark lashes I don't feel like I have to wear it. I was told that then I should wear clear mascara. Why? The reason I don't like mascara to begin with is that it feels weird and goopy and gets in my eyes, which I rub and then they feel gross. I don't see how clear mascara isn't going to feel just as weird and goopy and plus it's CLEAR so what the hell do I need it for? I swear they just make this crap up. The only makeup I truly understand is concealer. If I could, I'd conceal everything.

Let's not forget bras. Bras that maximize, bras that minimize, bras that push up, bras that lift and separate. Wonderbras, water bras, 18 hour bras, sports bras, underwire bras, strapless bras, convertible bras (what to they convert to? Are they like Transformers, can the be a bra and say a satellite dish?). And don't get confused but nursing bras are not for nurses. I wear padded push up bras, because my boobs are, well, not large. I had to be the one plus sized woman on the planet who was not endowed with a massive chest. If I ever lost all the excess weight I'm pretty sure my chest would be concave. Trust me, it's not easy to find a 38 bra with padding, because bra manufacturers assume that once you hit size 38, you're going to have D size breasts. So I wear a padded bra that pushed what little I have up, which is good because they get tired of always looking at my shoes.

And underwear. You can spend more on underwear than you did on the outfit. Panties that cost over twenty bucks a pair. With seven days a week that's $140 or more and if you do laundry as infrequently as I do, you need a months supply so that's $560. Or you can be cheap like me and buy the multi-pack of cotton undies for $6 for five pair. And yes, my overly large rear likes the granny panties. I own some bikini style and even a couple of thongs but those are for 'special' occasions, which aren't really all that special when I'm constantly pulling my panties out of my, er, crackage region. Of course, when I do wear the thongs I'm reminded of why waxing exists.

And the pleasure of pantyhose, who can forget that? I hate pantyhose with a vengeance usually reserved for Gestapo. I truly feel that pantyhose are the work of Satan. The crotch of the pantyhose never reaches my actual crotch area, so I'm constantly pulling them up, and usually get a run in them on the first wearing. Thigh highs are better for me, but I worry about stray breezes lifting up my hem and showing off the fact that I'm wearing thigh highs. Knee highs were obviously invented for my paternal grandmother who wore them with dresses even though her dresses were an inch above her knees. I don't think they put pantyhose in those plastic eggs anymore which was the only fun thing about them. I think that the only acceptable use for pantyhose is to put over your head when committing a bank robbery.

Okay campers, join me tomorrow when I debate the 'pads with wings' versus the 'pearl-like applicator' controversy. Just kidding, the girly rant is over. Thanks for indulging me in my beauty tirade. Now I have to go buy some makeup and things to make my hair do what it did at the salon. (Yes, I may rant, but I still buy into the myth!