Anyone who knows me knows how emotional a person I am. I know this and I can't (and won't) change. But it can take a toll.
We re-arranged The Graminator's room yesterday in the hopes that she is coming home sometime this week. So we got to the hospital in the afternoon, after Gram had called. She was a bit agitated (Alzheimer's can make you that way). But she was sitting up in a chair when we got there. She had apparently pulled her PIC line (an IV line that goes into a vein directly to the heart) out in the middle of the night, bringing the number of IV's she has pulled out to three. She was playing with her current IV line and I told her that it was her medicine line and not to play with it and she yelled at me that she knew what it was and I should stop telling her what it was. Okay, even if she did know what it was (doubtful), she has ripped three of them out of her arm and that is dangerous. I would tell anyone that. But I was exhausted, it was a long week, I have been at the hospital with her all week, often the only one, and I lost it. I had to leave the room and cry.
I'll admit it, I'm tired. I'm tired of being at a hospital and worrying about my Grams bowel movements, pain management, how we are going to take are of her when she gets home, her Alzheimer's, what happens when I'm not at the hospital, getting my mom to the hospital, making sure everyone is eating, cleaning the house, getting whatever needs to be there when she gets home. I'm being a big baby and I know on a rational level that I have to be the adult but right now I feel tired and alone and scared.
Okay, enough of my over-emotional, self-indulgent moment. I need to get off my butt and shower, do laundry, mop the floor, go to the grocery store and get back here in time to take my mom to the hospital. We are supposed to meet with the physical therapy people this afternoon so they can show us some things we need to know when she is home. When I say us, since my mom weighs far less than my grandmother, I mean me. Okay, maybe the pity party wasn't quite over yet. Needless to say than my writing has been non-existent for the last two weeks and I hate to be selfish but I need to get writing. Ugh. Where is Prince Charming coming to take me away from all this when I really need him? Calgon, take me away.
I hope your week is much better than mine. Bless you all for listening to me!
5 comments:
Oh, Shae, I'm so sorry it all really sucks right now. And I can definitely relate to the IV issue. Before my aunt passed away two years ago, she was hospitalized and suffering from some slight dementia. She kept pulling out her IVs also. They finally put some soft restraints on her for a day and after that, they put a board and a bunch of tape around it so she couldn't get at it. We were close so it was awful to have to see her go through it. My aunt never yelled at me but would complain vigorously and beg me to take her home when that was just not possible. So I absolutely know how you feel: emotionally beat up and wrung out.
So you go right ahead and have all the cries you need and I'll bring some chips and dip to the pity party whenever I can.
I know I've said this before ad nauseum, but do try to hang in there. This is terrible time for you but it will pass. And remember, you don't have to be superwoman. If it's a toss up between your writing and mopping the floor, write!! You deserve to do something just for you for your own peace of mind. The floor can be mopped tomorrow.
On a lighter note, I left a comment for Dyann on this already, but I wanted to tell you that it made me laugh how you both don't care for the name Sookie. One of my supporting characters has a cocker spaniel named Sookie. Hope you're gonna read my book anyway! :)
Thanks Maura, it's nice to know that I'm not completely alone!
What's funny about Sookie is that I had a roommate who called me Suki, which I never minded and I like the character of Suki on Gilmore Girls so it must be the spelling that bugs me. In my head I keep hearing "soooey" like when you call the hogs. Trust me, I'll love any dog named Sookie!
Total bummer Shae. I say cry and scream and yell. It's good for you every now and then, and for what you are going through you should get some time to just vent, in whatever way you want.
I couldn't do what you're doing. I'd be ready for some Xanax and STAT! So I admire your strength and stamina. It's tough watching people get old. I'm sure your family appreciates you. Hang in there!
Dear Shae, I feel your pain, when i was younger i had severe bowl movement pains and i couldnt poop for a week. I can see you are or were hopefully going through a rough time. Dont worry though, im sure she will be fine. Best of luck to you and her. We all feel her pain (figuratively of course)
-JON
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