Better than Advertised

Hello Loyal Readers! Thanks for bearing with me during this crazy month of November. Last week was spent recovering from the Vegas Schmegas shoot plus trying to catch up on NaNoWriMo. I also had my friend over to lunch for her birthday (made a fabulous mirin glazed salmon and am going to throw all other salmon recipes away), had to take the animals to the vet, went bridesmaids dress shopping (got a dress, yay, more on that in another post), had a production meeting (we're currently only $200 over budget. Also had sad news, the loss of a former Smidgiteer. Rest in Peace, Donald.

Now here's the reason for the title. Every week on my way to the production office I pass a restaurant on Durango called Gina's Bistro. For months I have looked at it and wondered about it. It's part of a weird looking strip mall and I could never tell if it was even open or what it was like inside. Still, my love of food made me look at it every time I passed. But it's a little far from home for a new restaurant that I'd never heard anything about so I never suggested to the family that we try it.

This week, in the Neon section of the local paper (for those not in Vegas, the neon is the weekly 'arts' pull out, with show information, movie reviews, restaurant guide, etc.) there was a review of Gina's Bistro. The review was smashing, with quotes like "Gina's Bistro may not look too much like Italy, but it sure tastes -- and smells -- like an authentic trattoria in the old country." It also carried a picture which showed an attractive interior which allayed my fears that it wasn't great inside (remember, the exterior is pretty, er, uninspiring strip mall-esque.) So I read the review to the family and they seemed interested, especially since our beloved Montesano's has closed all it's locations on our side of town (Gosh I miss those garlic knots.) I checked the website to see if they were open for lunch on Sunday but couldn't find their hours (Note to Gina: This is crucial information, put it on the website!) so I called and they were indeed open for lunch. So yesterday we made the trek.



When I read a review I'm usually skeptical. After all, the reviewer and I may be looking for different things. When I write professional restaurant reviews, I'm trying to cover the basics so that I can give readers a sense of what the restaurant is all about. But when I'm eating out for pleasure, it's a whole different story. Like I would never put this in a professional review, but for you I'll tell you that you should use the restroom before you visit Gina's. It's not that the bathroom was disgusting, it's actually fairly nice (I've been in way worse, let me tell you) but it's outside the restaurant and you have to get the key and it's a little creepy. Gina's is beautiful inside and the bathroom is nicely decorated too but the 'get the key' thing feels like a bad gas station instead of a lovely restaurant. The bistro also isn't set up to be handicap friendly, although they quickly moved a table so that we could push The Graminator's wheelchair to the table. These are very minor quibbles at best.

The thing I want the most when I go out to eat is great food. Ideally it would be great food in a nice atmosphere with good service and on that, Gina's Bistro is a winner. The only people working the front of the house are the delightfully Italian accented Gina and our equally accented waitress (whose name escapes me now but who felt like an Italian aunt giving us lunch.) Although the restaurant was empty when we arrived it was soon at half capacity (which because Gina's is so small inside makes it feel cozy and familial) but service never suffered. Even though we just ordered water, our glasses were never empty. The bread basket came as soon as we ordered (although the delicious bread deserved better than the "European style butter whipped margarine" that came with it. What the hell is "European style butter whipped margarine" anyway? Next time we'll just use the olive oil that's on the table.)

The menu, like the restaurant, is small. But don't let the laminated blue paper fool you. It's packed with gems. As Val put it, "I've never been to a place before where I wanted to try just about everything on the menu." The Graminator ordered the Pollo Parmigiana which Heidi Knapp Rinella described in her review as "Chicken parmigiana ($12.95) may seem about as garden-variety as its gets, but this lily was gilded with a layer of sliced eggplant, cut thinly so that both the flavor and texture were wonderfully delicate. The customary layer of mozzarella and a good dose of marinara -- pulpy and thick, made of chunked tomatoes instead of crushed or pureed, and cooked slowly to enable the seasonings to penetrate through to the soul -- completed the dish." but she failed to mention that it is enormous, enough to feed two people, and sided with spaghetti marinara. It was delicious and Grams will be having it for lunch for the next few days. Mom ordered the Conchiglie Campagnola (Shells pasta, diced chicken, broccoli, sun dried tomatoes and roasted garlic) while Val got the Pollo Boscaiola (Chicken breast with mushrooms and cream sauce) and Will had the Involtino Di Pollo Florentina (Rolled chicken breast stuffed with spinach and fontina cheese) all of which were delicious. Will and Val's came with roasted potatoes which they raved over and broccoli which was crisp-tender and dressed simply (but deliciously) with olive oil and salt and pepper.

Okay, I saved the best for last. I got the Pappardelle Tre Bocconi which the menu lists as "Home made wide fettuccine with prosciutto, bacon, mushrooms, mini veal meat balls in a tomato sauce" but menu descriptions sometimes don't do justice to the meal they are describing. Tre Bocconi translates as "three bites" according to our waitress. The pappardelle were soft ribbons of pasta swathed in a sauce that Gina should be ashamed to call "a tomato sauce". Sure, it had tomatoes in it but it was far more velvety and rich that some plain old marinara. It was rich and earthy and I suspect had at it's base a rich veal stock and red wine in addition to tomatoes. Thick slices of chopped bacon added a smoky note while the prosciutto gave a salty counterpoint. Slices of mushroom added to the depth of the sauce then absorbed the sauce back in, becoming a meaty, chewy flavor in themselves and lots of green peas added color to the dish. The little veal meatballs were moist and the whole dish worked together. I am not exaggerating when I say that this is the best pasta dish I have ever eaten. Ever. EVER. If I saw this on the menu of a more upscale restaurant, I would expect to pay around $32.00. And it would be worth every penny. But at Gina's it was $12.50. So delicious that I'm telling you, I want it again, now. I will be dreaming of this pasta. I almost want the recipe but I know I could never make it as well as they do, so I'll just settle for going to Gina's. A lot.

I have never read a "rave" restaurant review that I agreed with completely. But this was the first time that I found that the restaurant EXCEEDED the review. Maybe she wanted to give Gina's some business but keep it from getting too crowded? I can't blame her there. It's a really small restaurant and I don't want to not be able to get in (although they do have take out so if I ever can't get a table I'll get it to go!) One young man, who was eating alone, said it was his second time there in a week. Now this was a guy who would have looked more at home at the local Micky D's but he said the lasagna was so good he just had to come back. I know just how he feels. The lasagna is definitely on my list to try but I'm really hoping someone else orders it so I can try it yet still have my Tre Bocconi. Yup, I am that greedy.

If you want some authentic and delicious Italian food, go to Gina's Bistro. Gina will greet you and even sit at your table if there is room for her to, and give you a hug on the way out. Watch the Italian channel on the TV. Listen to Bocelli playing in the background. And call me, because I want to go too!

Awkward Much?

Okay, I'm at my least favorite part of writing my book...the sex scenes.

Look, I'm not a prude, (far from it, as evidenced by the pictures in my previous post) but it's still really weird for me to write the sex scenes. I feel like I'm intruding on a very personal moment. It makes me feel almost like a voyeur. I know, they are my characters but when they get intimate I feel like I should give them some privacy.

I know I'm not alone in this, Maura wrote about this same thing on her blog and Dyann and I have discussed it as well. One of the big factors for me is that my mom and friends are going to read this (hopefully) and that feels almost like I'm telling them about my sex life. Now I can talk to my family about sex, but it's more of a general thing, I don't get specific in the details. These scenes, however, need to be graphic for the genre I'm writing. I'm blushing just thinking about it and I know everyone is going to think I'm a perv! It's something I have to get over if I want to be a successful romance writer but what will the Graminator think when she reads it?

I wrote a scene for a movie (still a WIP) that involved a serial killer and his victim. It was a graphic scene and when I got done writing it, I was really upset. I'm not a killer so how could I write about one so realistically and graphically? What does that say about me? My mom won't watch shows like "Criminal Minds" with me because she thinks it gives crazy people even more crazy ideas to work with. Is that true? Are writers responsible for the evil in the world? Does Steven King worry about this? Does life imitate art or is it the other way around? Am I the chicken or the egg? Aughhhhh!

So today my challenge is to write a highly erotic scene. I mean all out, balls to the wall (metaphorically speaking.) I can always tone it down later but for today, I'm going to break down my 'inhibitions' and just go for it. Just don't judge, okay Loyal Readers?

I am wayyyyyy behind on NaNoWriMo, having done no writing at all from Thursday to Monday. I'm hoping to catch up, but towards the end it may not be good writing. Oh well, I guess that's what rewrites are for.

Thanks for the encouragement Maura, I'm energized to get some writing done but Shelby is on hold until after NaNo. But I do feel excited to write and I have some irons in the fire. Shelby will be back in the forefront in just a few weeks!

It's (Almost) a Wrap and a Possible Career Change

After three weeks of intensive shooting, it's a wrap on principal photography on "Vegas Schmegas". Well, almost.

The motel location we were shooting at stands in the shadow of the Wynn Hotel. Literally in the shadow. Like so in the shadow that we lost shooting light at 3:30 and will have to go back and re-shoot some scenes so that all of the footage matches. And we still have a long list of things to do before we can finish editing on the project, including shooting some B-roll footage, recording some voice over, doing ADR, etc. But we are calling that "Second Unit" so that we could celebrate a wrap yesterday.

Thank you to all of the actors and crew who worked so hard to make this happen, we couldn't have done it without you. Most worked without pay and just did it for the love of being on set and working. That's what independent film making is all about. Let's pray that this project gets picked up so we can then reward everyone for their hard work.


So, after a really LONG shooting day on Friday (ten hour days on set are pretty normal, twelve hour days aren't uncommon but this one was fourteen hours long!) I may be considering a career change. How do you think I'd do as a dominatrix?
Yup, that's me in costume. The consensus on set was that the Graminator was right, I did look "nice". Although if the catcalls and whistles I got from the people driving down East Sahara were any indication, I could potentially make some money at it. It was warm all day on Friday, almost hot at points (about eighty degrees) but by the time we shot the dominatrix scene it was really cold and windy.


This is the most wonderful actress and person, Elly Brown, and me, huddled underneath Nathan's shirts in between takes. We were sooooo cold. I love Elly, she was a trouper, she was in every scene that day and was AWESOME. I want to write more stuff for her because she is so good. Usually, really beautiful women aren't all that great at comedy (they don't have to be, they are beautiful, duh) but Elly has great timing and killer comedic instincts. She's also so nice and really willing to do what it takes. And right now she's on a cruise with her husband basking in the sun on some tropical beach. I'd be jealous but she worked so hard, she deserves it!

This is Nathan Ferrier and Jimmy Germano as "Franke" and "Louie". They were great. Nathan is new to our band of merry players too, and he was awesome as well. Did I mention he's totally gorgeous but a nice guy to boot? (He's the one who gave up his own comfort to loan Elly and I his shirts on set when we were cold. He stood there in a t-shirt so we could get warm. Plus, he let us use him as a wind block.) He did a fabulous job this weekend and he's a great actor, he knew his lines and he was ready to work. Yesterday, we shot his scenes as "Stan the cab driver" and he made my lines sound even better than when I wrote them! It's hard when you are filming to see "the big picture" but the Stan scenes were really encapsulated so it was easy for me to see how great they are going to turn out, and damn is it good! It wasn't an easy part either, but Nathan pulled it off like it was no big deal. Plus he and Jimmy work really well together and I want to write them some more stuff.

It's amazing how creativity breeds the need to make more creative stuff but I thank everyone on set for giving me a 'creative energy boost'. I am fired up and ready to write. We all agreed that it was wonderful to be on set again. It is a blessing and a gift to the writer to hear their lines and see the scenes they wrote brought to life. So thank you to everyone who made this happen for the incredible gift you gave to me and to Kelly and to all of us who have been working for so long to get this project off the ground!

Mucho thanks and love to: Kelly, Mark, John B, Charisma, Denise, Jimmy, Marissa, Jon, Eddie, Zach, Elly, Nathan, Nicole, Shannon, Gary, Craig, Kelly's dad, the staff and patrons at My Cousin Vinny's, Irwin Kishner, the staff at the Somerset Motel, all the friends who showed up to play hookers and soccer moms and my family who covered for me watching the Graminator so that I could prep and be on set. No shoebox, you all are the best!

And thanks to you, Loyal Readers. Your support during this journey means more than I can ever tell you.

Making Headlines

Check out this week's column by Carol Cling in the Vegas Voice, a blog by Las Vegas Review Journal columnists.

SHOOTING STARS: TV pilot spoofs ‘Vegas Schmegas’
Posted by Carol Cling
Monday, Nov. 10, 2008 at 05:00 AM
Anyone who calls Las Vegas home knows all the clichés of life in Neon Nirvana, from the always-on lounge lizard to the showgirl-by-night, brain-surgeon-by-day.
And that’s exactly the kind of humor behind the locally produced TV pilot “Vegas Schmegas,” currently shooting weekends through November.
The pilot, from Las Vegas-based Vision Dynamics Entertainment, spoofs comical, commonly held stereotypes about Las Vegas.
You know the drill: “People live in hotels, showgirls wear their headdresses everywhere,” explains producer-director Kelly Schwarze, who hit on the idea of a Vegas sketch-comedy project while watching the British comedy troupe “Little Britain.” (Canada’s Kids in the Hall also provided inspiration, he says.)
“There are so many colorful people” in Las Vegas, Schwarze notes. So he and collaborator Shae Wilhite, a Las Vegas-based writer and comedian, came up with the “Vegas Schmegas” concept and created a variety of comedy sketches.
One focuses on a mom who takes the kids to school and shops in full showgirl regalia, another on a mobile wedding chapel that ambushes couples forces them to tie the knot. And then there’s the crabby cabby who’s always deflating visitors’ dreams.
Locals Elly Brown (a real-life showgirl who also appears in local theater productions) and Nathan Ferrier are among the performers featured in “Vegas Schmegas,” Schwarze reports.
A half-hour pilot, to be presented to various cable television producers, will feature “the best of the best” sketches being shot this month.

Stay tuned, Loyal Readers!

Midway, Thirdway, a Whip and a Bowl of Red

Hello Loyal Readers and thanks for hanging in there with me during this time of sporadic posting.

Principal photography has reached the midway point after yesterday's shoot. The weather on Saturday was beautiful, so of course we shot on Sunday when the wind, rain and clouds presented a challenge. Once scene involved about seven of us dressed in "hooker" attire in the freezing wind. Then later we shot when it was so dark and windy and cold that we were freezing (I only brought a light sweater to set and I wished I had gloves and a scarf or something!) Then when we came back outside the sun was out, the wind had stopped...lovely, right? Wrong, because now our scenes wouldn't match the earlier ones so we had to re-shoot everything. Ahh, gotta love a challenge.

It is also the 'thirdway' point of NaNoWriMo. I should be at 15,000 words but I'm a bit behind at about 10,000 words. I also can't get in to upload my word counts because the server is so busy. I'll try again today. I think I'll be able to really catch up after shooting ends next Sunday. Any writers up for a write-a-thon? (Hmm, Dyann?)

I haven't even gotten to play with my new iPod much, although I did start the set up process. Now I just wish there was an easy way to transfer everything on my Zen to my iPod...

The whip in the title of this column is actually a riding crop and it's part of the dominatrix costume I'll be wearing on Friday as part of the Vegas Schmegas shoot. Boy, is it ever uncomfortable. The fence-net pantyhose make me feel like I'm stuffing myself into those bags that hold lemons or onions. But it was a great excuse to buy a pair of boots that I can't afford (why do I feel like I'm on 'Sex and the City' when I say that?) The funniest part was when I tried my costume on for my family, The Graminator thought I looked 'really nice'. Not exactly the look I was going for, or else my grams thinks I should dress more slutty.

The bowl of red was the chili I made for the shoot yesterday. I made it much less spicy than I normally would since I was feeding a crowd (although it still had heat and I brought jalapenos for those who needed it hotter) but it got rave reviews. I mean raves. Kelly even called me at home last night to tell me again how good he thought it was. And to back up the compliments, when I went to go to clean up the crock pot it was empty. I mean empty. They ate six quarts of chili! And two pans of brownies. It went well on a cold day.

Okay, I gotta get back to work. Thanks for hanging in there, I'll try to make tomorrows post a bit more exciting.

Updates to What is Going on in my World

Obama is the new President-elect (was there ever much doubt?) He has some tough decisions to make to get this county back on track when he takes office. Now he needs to put his money where his mouth is. I hope that he can deliver on his promises because I think this country is really counting on him.

Principal photography began on Vegas Schmegas on Saturday and I think it's looking great so far. The poker scene looked even better than I expected and the cast and crew really came through. Kudos to everyone. Especially Mark for some tricky lighting cues and Kelly for being a great director. Saturday I played a dealer so I got to be more of an actor than crew and it was fun. Everyone is doing such a great job that I feel a little superfluous, but I guess that's how a lot of writers feel on set. (We usually have a really small crew so I do more but we have actual help on this set. Still, I helped move tables and track and dolly and stuff so I'm not completely useless.) Next shoot is on Sunday, and we have two different sketches to film. It will be a good ramping up for the 14th when we have a twelve hour shooting day.

I am behind on my NaNoWriMo project, but I knew I would be since I was out of commission (writing-wise) over the weekend. I also started a new novel, not the WIP I thought I'd use, but I figured I would use the 50,000 word parameters to write my "Harlequin" novel. I have loved Harlequin since I was about eleven years old and I graduated from Little House on the Prairie Books and Nancy Drew novels to the paperback romances that my Grandmother read. The ones she bought were always set in England or Canada and the heroines were always nurses and they spelled things differently like "humour". I was excited when I finally discovered ones set in America. I think that's what this one will be for, the Harlequin American line. It's an idea that kicked around my head so I'm letting it out for NaNoWriMo. I'm going to have to put in a few 'cram' sessions to make the word count by deadline but I can always re-write next month.

And Thanksgiving is coming so I'm trying out a few things in advance to see if I can improve upon the traditional dinner I usually make. I'm not allowed to mess with it much, we MUST have turkey and The Graminator's stuffing and my home made pumpkin pie (with fresh, not canned, pumpkin). I have been reading about 'dry brining' your turkey and I tried it out on a turkey breast last night so I could see how it was before trying it on a whole turkey. I usually inject my turkey with an herb steeped butter mixture but I thought I'd try this instead. My mom told me not to mess with it, that my turkey was already great, but I had to check it out for myself so I bought a turkey breast and dry brined it. The result? The vote was unanimous and I am NOT dry brining the turkey this year, we are sticking with injecting. While the turkey was fine and stayed moist, it didn't have as much flavor as the injected turkey does. Injecting, to me, makes the turkey moist and flavorful and is easier and less time consuming. So while it was a noble experiment, dry brining falls into the "not worth it" category for me. I also made Sunset magazines sourdough artichoke Parmesan stuffing and it was delicious. I won't make it for Thanksgiving (as this could get me killed by my Uncle) but I'd definitely make it for us again. And there is enough left over to make "Bobbies" this week. (Those unfamiliar with the "Bobbie" at Capriotti's sandwich shop, it's turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce on a sub roll and it's delicious!)

I ordered my first iPod. (yes, I have fallen into Apple's clutches, now that I love my Mac I'm trading my Zen for an iPod) it's the iPod Touch and it's supposed to arrive by tomorrow. I've been following it's progress and it's gone from Kunshan, China to Shanghai, China to Anchorage, Alaska to Indianapolis, Indiana so far. My iPod will have seen more of the world than I have. I know it's a luxury, not a necessity, but I decided to put my comedy money towards something I wanted instead of something I needed. I can't wait to play with it!

Okay, that's my world. Hope all is good in yours, Loyal Readers!

Happy Halloween

On this fine Nevada Day (for those who didn't grow up in Nevada, Nevada was admitted to the union on October 31, 1864) I hope you all have a happy Halloween.

To celebrate Halloween, we are handing out candy and I'm making home made doughnuts and hot apple cider and we are having a Wii tournament.

This year the theme of Nevada Day this year is "Hollywood in Nevada" so I guess it's fitting that we start shooting "Vegas Schmegas" tomorrow.

No matter what your plans, be they spooky or scary or fun, I hope they are safe and wonderful!

I Must Be Crazy

Okay, I know I'm insane, but with encouragement from my fellow writers, Maura and Dyann, I signed up for NaNoWriMo (short for National Novel Writing Month.) The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days. That's 1,667 words a day. In November. When shooting of Vegas Schmegas will take up no less than six full days just for photography, Thanksgiving will take up at least two days and my nervous breakdown will take at least a week. What was I thinking?

Actually, what I was thinking is that something needs to kick my writing in the butt and maybe this is it. I have been so focused on taking care of The Graminator and day to day life concerns that my writing has suffered and if I want my sabbatical to be a success then I need to actually put the car in drive and go for it. I love my family but I gotta do something.

The only problem with NaNoWriMo is that I already feel behind and I haven't even started yet. We start shooting on November 1st and that's the day NaNoWriMo starts. I guess I'll take a notebook on set with me and try to write between shots. I'm not only producing this weekend but also 1st A.D. and acting (but I'm playing a dealer and I only have one line). Let's just say it's going to be a hectic weekend.

Any and all support is welcome. And donations of Prozac and Valium are greatly appreciated.

Sparse Posting

Not too much time to post this week. "Vegas Schmegas" starts principal photography this Saturday. I'm furiously hunting down props and costumes. Thank goodness for Amazon, I was able to get most of the poker set stuff on line. And thank you Savers for having so much stuff for costumes. Now if I could just find a cheesy 1980's "keytar"...any ideas?

What Would I Tell Myself?

I saw a movie yesterday morning, okay, it was a cartoon, called "Meet the Robinson's". (I was making cupcakes and it was on after the other movie I had been watching so I really heard it more than I watched it. I don't usually watch cartoons.) In the movie, the little boy gets to meet his future self and tries to learn a few things. It made me wonder what I would have done if I knew what my future really held, and what I would ask or tell myself.

Let's say I could talk to the thirteen year old me. First off, I'm not sure I would have listened to myself (as at thirteen you think you know everything already anyway). And I firmly believe that it's my life experiences that have brought me to where I am in my life so I wouldn't want to change anything major because I like myself and while I'm not in the perfect place right now it's leading me to where I need to go. So what advice would I give? Here is what I would say to me.

"Don't be so afraid. 99% of the things you worry about will never even come close to happening. Your fear will keep you from experiencing some of the joy in life. The greatest experiences you will ever have will come when you do the scariest things. Just close your eyes, take a deep breath and jump. Yes, there will sometimes be pain, I can't promise you that you'll never get hurt, but I can promise that even in the very darkest moments of your life, everything will work out. Hold on to hope.

Know that your family is the greatest asset in your life, even if you can't appreciate that for a long time. Even when it seems like you'd be better off without them, know that they will always be there for you. They love you, even if they can't show it the way you want them too. They are doing the best they can, just like you are doing the best you can. Have patience, love and forgiveness and you'll save a lot of time later on. Don't waste a minute with them because they can't stay with you always and you will miss them more than you can imagine when they are gone. And your pesky, smelly little brother is going to be one of your best friends one day so be nice.

Really live your life. Don't worry about what you 'should' do and do what you love. It will lead you to the most interesting places and let you meet the most interesting people.

Be grateful for what you have because you really do have more than you need and life isn't about money. Your first car will NOT be a tan Mercedes convertible with brown leather interior, nor will your second or third and probably never, but you won't have to ride the bus either.

Open your heart to all of the possibilities. You will have your heart bruised, many times, usually by people you thought really cared about you, but your heart is strong and it will never really break and love is a journey. Realize that others are fallible too. Forgive but don't forget. People willing to hurt you once will do it again and it's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care about your well being.

Laugh, every day. Laughter is your gift and your salvation and you will need a sense of humor to get through life.

Finally, believe in yourself. Your fifth grade teacher was right, there is nothing you can't do. You just have to do it, not wish it or dream it, but work at it and make it happen. Don't be afraid, it's going to be a roller coaster ride for sure but oh, what a a ride it will be."

Saturday Morning Politics

I'll admit it, I learned a lot of political science watching Saturday morning cartoons. I was addicted to Schoolhouse Rock and the ones on government were my favorites. I can still recite the preamble to the Constitution. Those cartoons may explain why I majored in Political Science in college. One was my very favorite. Yes, even as a child I was a bit of a feminist and so my favorite was one called "Sufferin' for Suffrage". It still amazes me today.

This year we have an historic election. We will either have the first African-American President (because his father was African and his mother American) or the first female Vice President (because she has two X chromosomes.) But what has always amazed me is that African-American men have have the right to vote in this country longer than women of any race. Fifty years before women got the right to vote.

My paternal grandmother was in that first generation of women who got to vote (she turned 18 in 1921). She told me her father told her she had to be a Republican and told her how she needed to vote. But anyone who knew my Grandma Charlotte would tell you that nobody told her what to do. So she said "Yes, Father" and then voted the way she wanted to once she got inside the polling booth. I come from a long line of independent women (Charlotte's mother sold cakes in a section of the general store in Madera, California at the turn of the century. Hmm, maybe that's where my baking skills come from.) Thanks to the suffragettes who came before her, I too will get my turn in the polling booth. So to honor our historic past, present and future, here is my favorite Schoolhouse Rock. (Next week we'll learn to not drown our food!)

Virtual Reality Goes Too Far

Okay, I saw this story on the Internet and thought it was pretty funny. Apparently people are taking their virtual reality games a bit too seriously.

TOKYO – A 43-year-old Japanese piano teacher's sudden divorce from her online husband in a virtual game world made her so angry that she logged on and killed his digital persona, police said Thursday.

The woman, who has been jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo City said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations. The woman had not plotted any revenge in the real world, the official said. She has not yet been formally charged, but if convicted could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

As in "Second Life" in the U.S., players in "Maple Story" raise and manipulate digital images called "avatars" that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities and fighting against monsters and other obstacles. The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead. The woman was arrested Wednesday and was taken across the country, traveling 620 miles from her home in southern Miyazaki to be detained in Sappporo, where the man lives, the official said. The police official said he did not know if she was married in the real world.

In recent years, virtual lives have had consequences in the real world. In August, a woman was charged in Delaware with plotting the real-life abduction of a boyfriend she met through "Second Life." In Tokyo, police arrested a 16-year-old boy on charges of swindling virtual currency worth $360,000 in an interactive role playing game by manipulating another player's portfolio using a stolen ID and password.

Honestly, can you imagine taking a fake divorce that hard? I mean, when my Ken doll left my Barbie she didn't call G.I. Joe to do a hit on him. Also, why would you give anyone access to your login information? He probably deserved to get virtually killed for being really stupid.

Hmm, maybe instead of "Second Life", they should call it "Get a Life"?

Exercise Sucks! (Review #1)

I hate to exercise. I hate it, HATE it, HATE IT! It's a form of torture invented by masochists who enjoy other peoples pain. I never get a sense of pleasure (the 'endorphin' rush) and the only thing I feel when I'm done is relief that it's finally over. When I am really grooving exercise-wise, I do start to feel a sense of accomplishment, not because of enjoyment but because I am able to conquer something that I hate doing but need to do. (Which is also how I endure gynecologist visits and taking my car to the mechanic.)

I usually do an in-home walking program. I like it because it doesn't require a lot of equipment or special shoes and I can do it every day, no excuses. I highly recommend it to anyone who is out of shape and wants to start moving. it isn't hard but you can progressively challenge yourself to do more, walk further, etc. The one's I use are by Leslie Sansone and are called "Walk Away The Pounds". They really did help me lose weight the first time. They are great for gradually building up your strength and endurance and she has lots of tapes out there. I try to do two miles every day, although if I'm just not feeling it I'll do the one mile walk and if I'm really kicking butt I'll do the three mile walk or her interval workouts like "Walk and Box". I have about six of her DVDs so I can rotate through and not get too bored.

One day I wandered through the fitness section of Target and checked out their selection of workout DVDs. I saw several titles that grabbed my attention but with prices in the twenty dollar range I was hesitant to buy any. I'm really leery of workouts that might be too challenging for my overweight, out of shape, exercise hating self. I decided to check on Amazon to see if the prices were any better and to read some of the customer reviews. On one review I saw that someone said they had checked out the DVD at their local library. I decided to check my library to see if they had exercise DVDs and sure enough they did. What a great way to check out the workouts for free and see which ones might be worth the investment.



The first one I tried was "The Biggest Loser: Cardio Max" which says it is "a six week program for maximum weight loss." Plus it had real fat people (or former fat people at least) doing the workout. Which gave me hope that maybe I could do the workout too. You can customize your workout or follow their 'maximize your results' program. You start out in week one doing a warm up, a twenty minute boot camp cardio workout (with Biggest Loser trainer Bob) and a cool down. In week three you add a ten minute "super cardio drill" (with trainer Jillian) and in week five you add yet another ten minute cardio kickbox routine (with trainer Kim). So yesterday instead of my walking workout I decided to do Level One.

Let me start out by saying that the warm up is hard. Not what I would generally call a warm up as you start with jumping rope immediately. I'm used to a more gradual warm up so I was a bit surprised at the intensity of this one. I also wasn't wearing proper workout shoes (I don't have to with my walking DVDs, another bonus for them) so the jumping up and down on my concrete floor was painful so I modified the movements just a bit to cut down on joint damage.

Then the workout begins and I do mean work out. It's hard and I definitely knew I was doing cardio. There are a LOT of lunges, squats, etc. I'm not going to lie, there was a lot of effort involved. There is one girl on the video who does a modified workout so you can follow her when it's too intense. I followed her when I just couldn't take it anymore. I also didn't do the push up segment, because again, I have a concrete floor and I like my knees. I need to get an exercise mat for that segment. I just ran in place during that part. Even with modified movements and missing the push ups, it was a really intense workout. Just in level one! I was huffing and puffing and today I am sooo sore. But I still liked it. It was intense enough for me to really feel it but I didn't feel bad about the modifications and I felt like this was a workout I could slowly work up to doing more of. It was more lower body than upper body (as evidenced by my truly sore and tired butt and thighs) but since that's where most of my weight is, I think that's okay.

The verdict? I'm going to get this DVD. It's $8.99 on Amazon and I'll need to get a workout mat to do the floor exercises but I think doing it a couple of times a week (not the 4-5 they recommend, I would die before the end of week one!) will help me improve my strength and endurance. Don't try this workout if you have bad knees or ankles as it's pretty high impact. It also has a nice 'music only option' for once you get the routine down and don't want to listen to the same banter over and over again. (I wish that was a feature on my Leslie Sansone tapes, I do get tired of the babble.) The people on this tape, even if they aren't super fat, still look like normal people and they are really sweating as they exercise which made me feel better about myself. Overall, a good workout for most beginner and intermediate exercisers. I'll have to check out levels two and three after I get better at level one.

For the next review I'll be doing "The Bollywood Dance Workout with Hemalayaa". That is, once I can move my legs again.

Tips for Raising an 87 Year Old

Today we will 'lose' our outside support system. Medicare and the insurance company will only pay for the nurse and physical therapist for a certain period of time and now that The Graminator's bedsore is nearly healed and she's walking they are going to discharge her. In a way I'm glad, because the nursing visits were mostly non-existent for the past month and while I loved her physical therapist Nathan (a great guy who not only remembered the Miller Family Steakhouse, a beloved and long gone restaurant of my youth, he actually worked there so we probably saw each other a zillion times and never knew it) at a certain point he was just repeating the same exercises because now it's only repetition that will get her stronger. I'll miss Linda, the CNA, the most, because she helped give The Graminator showers a couple of times a week and now I'll have to do it alone. I loved chatting with Nathan and Linda because they were awesome people who dedicate their lives to helping others and because they were cool. They both taught me a lot about how to care for The Graminator and I will always be grateful for them.

So here are a few things I have learned from them and on my own as I raise my very own 87 year old. (Many of these tips may also be applicable to toddlers.)

1. If you hook a gait belt through the back of the couch, you can make your own safety belt. But tuck the buckle behind them because roving fingers can sometimes get it open.
2. Commode chairs can actually do double duty as shower chairs.
3. Recipe for a 600+ calorie mocha: 3 heaping tablespoons weight gainer, 2 teaspoons Benefiber, 1 Tablespoon Scharffen Berger sweetened cocoa powder, 1 packet instant coffee and 1 cup half and half. Yes, it's crazy but it's helped The Graminator gain back three of the pounds she lost.
4. The Wal-Mart brand of Depends are actually better that the name brand and about 3 dollars less. Buy the pull up kind and they feel like big girl underwear, but you can still rip them down the side seams for easy exit if necessary.
5. Connect the dot puzzles are good for mental reasoning. Buy the K-1 and they are pretty easy to read for older eyes.
6. They won't always tell you when they have to go to the bathroom, so look for body clues and have them sit on the potty chair occasionally just to 'see if you can go'.
7. Tell them they won't get dessert if they don't eat their meal (but give them dessert anyway because they need the calories.)
8. Make them read out loud to you.
9. Even if it's easier for you to do it, make them do things themselves to give them a better sense of independence.
10. Patience isn't a virtue, it's a necessity.

Remember to love them and treasure them, because they won't always be with you.

Why I Love America

There are lots of reasons I love America. But today it's because this is a country about hope and damn-it-all determination.

You all know that I am trying to lose a few pounds before my brother's wedding. (And the dreaded dominatrix costume for Vegas Schmegas.) I have lost six pounds in the last two weeks through a novel diet I developed called 'eat less and exercise more' (a radical new diet, books will fly off of store shelves). Some days are better than others (Hebrew National 97% Fat Free Hot Dogs taste like HOT DOGS and have only 45 calories per dog and are made from MEAT!) and it's about putting myself into the mindset of eating healthy and indulging occasionally instead of indulging constantly and eating healthy occasionally. (And major Kudos to Maura, who is following her own sensible eating an exercise regimen, you go girl!)

So this morning I read a story about a shortage of bananas in Japan because young girls are obsessed with the Morning Banana diet. Apparently young Japanese women are diet crazy (yeah, because of all of those fat Japanese people, sure) and will follow any fad. The latest is this Morning Banana Diet, where you have a banana and room temperature water for breakfast, anything you want for lunch and dinner, no desserts and go to bed by midnight. (Because if you feed them after midnight they turn into Gremlins) People are going so crazy for this diet that Japan can't get any more bananas. (I'm imagining a black market for bananas, guys in back alleys selling bananas for big money to desperate teenage Japanese girls.) Silly diet and silly girls. Of course, I live in a country that invented the grapefruit diet, so who am I to talk?

Then I saw a story that warmed the cockles of my heart (to paraphrase Denis Leary, more like the sub-cockle region really.) It was about a man, an AMERICAN, who ate a 15 POUND hamburger (cheeseburger, to be exact.) Nicknamed the 'Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser' the thing, with bun and toppings it weighed more than twenty pounds. Now there is a man I could love. Because he didn't do it for fame or fortune (he got $400 and three t-shirts from the bar that made the burger) but because he "wanted to see if I could". Bravo, that's the American spirit. Having been dreaming of cheeseburgers for the past week, I envy this man, although the picture looks like the burger had provolone cheese whereas my choice would have been cheddar and it had mild hot peppers while I'm a pickle girl. Still, with a cup each of mayo, mustard and ketchup, this man ate enough calories for a small third world country, just to see if he could. (I imagine he was promptly stomped to death by a herd of angry cattle as he left the bar.) Still, I admire Brad Scuillo of Uniontown, PA for his grit, determination and complete lack of care for his cardiovascular system. It's because of Americans like Brad that we will not only persevere through this economic crisis, but will once again thumb our noses at the rest of the world because we are indeed the greatest country on the planet and if a twenty pound cheeseburger doesn't prove that, I don't know what will.

The Comedy Kid Rides Again

I know it's been a LONG time since I've done a stand up gig, so for all of you who have been waiting so patiently to see me (in town too!) come out this Saturday night to the Redstone Grill at Tropicana and Fort Apache at 10pm, It's got a nice setup, with a stage and lights. This is NOT an open mic, but what the producers hope will become a permanent locals comedy club, for those who don't want to go to the strip. I'll be opening for Bill Tucker, a really funny (and incredibly energetic) comic who I've known for years.

Many people ask me how I became a comic. It's a strange but wonderful tale. I was bored, at home, doing nothing and decided I needed to get out of the house. So I decided to take some classes at the college, the continuing education kind, the ones you take for fun. I took "How to Buy a Home" which was to teach me how to save for a down payment, get financing, what I could afford, etc. (This, dear children, was the late 1990's, before you could buy a half million dollar home with only your dog as a credit reference.) The other class was "How to Be A Comedian".

It was taught by a guy named Charlie Brooks, who claimed to be related to the great actor and director Albert Brooks, except that Albert Brooks' real name is Albert Einstein, but I never told him that I knew better. (My first show biz lesson.) I thought from the course description that we would be watching videos of comedians like Eddie Murphy and Dennis Miller. You know, the abstract theory of how to be a comedian, not the practicum. So imagine my surprise when Charlie announced at the first class that in four weeks we would be performing on stage at the Alexis Park Hotel. I thought to myself "No way dude, I can't do that!" I went to my mom's house after class that night and told my brother and mother the same thing. In the next sentence that followed I said to them "What do you think of this as a joke?" and proceeded to tell them a joke that I had written in the car on the way to their house. (The first joke I ever wrote? "Growing up in Vegas I learned that sex is a lot like gambling... except that when you lose at blackjack, you don't have to put the dealer through college.")

So four weeks later I was at the Alexis Park Hotel with my classmates, or at least the ones that hadn't dropped out after the first class. (Apparently there were a lot of people who didn't know that performing would be involved.) I don't remember them all but I remember Kelly and Judy and of course, my comedy soul mate Chandler. Kelly bought me a shot of tequila at the bar which was when I learned not to do shots before going on stage, not that I got drunk, just that it sat at the bottom of my stomach and made it worse than the butterflies before it. (Judy got me not one, but two gigs at a Federal Penitentiary!) My whole family came out to see, my mom and dad (the only time my dad saw me do comedy). my brother, The Graminator, plus a whole bunch of friends from work (who, as my friend Richard put it, "came to see you bomb") But, it turns out, I have a natural knack for making people laugh. (Richard said "But you didn't".) I managed to make it through my set and when I came off stage a producer of another comedy club approached me and told me I was good and asked me how long I had been doing comedy. I told him "ten minutes", he said "no, seriously, how long have you been doing comedy?" and I said "Ten minutes. That was my first set, ever." He told me I was good and invited me to come do a set at his club that weekend. I did and it was my first paying gig so I made money the first week I did comedy. (Ten bucks.) It even got me thinking of a stage name, since none of the announcers could ever seem to pronounce my name (Seriously, Wilhite is not that hard to pronounce. But when they started calling me Shae Whitehead, I knew I had to change it. I mean, who wants to be known as a pimple? So I go by Shae Denin - a derivation of my paternal grandmother's maiden name -- and wouldn't you know it, the first time I went on stage the emcee pronounced it Da-neen.)

And that, as they say, was history. Except for the open mics performing for four drunks and sixteen other comics who ripped my set to shreds. And the gigs like the one where the guy who hosted asked me never to bring my brother to another show again (because my brother got more laughs heckling than the comic did) and all the trips that Chandler and I took to L.A. to work at The Improv, The Icehouse and The Laugh Factory (driving to LA, waiting all day to see if we made it onto the show, changing clothes in the gas station rest room, performing and driving back to Vegas in under twenty-four hours, not to mention the eight Denny's we ate/peed/slept in the parking lot of.) When I signed up for the class, I never would have believed that I would be in a show on the Las Vegas Strip for nine months, doing two shows a night, six nights a week, but it taught me so much without ever having to go out on the road. I never would have dreamed I would open for comics like Ray Romano, Bob Saget, Janeane Garolfalo and Margaret Cho. I never thought I would be named best new comic in Las Vegas and win a thousand dollars for it (my biggest comedy paycheck to date.) All from a class where I thought I'd be watching television in.

Now I don't do comedy as much because I played it safe and stayed with the day job while Chandler took his shot and moved to L.A. (and now came home, but at least he tried.) Now I'm writing which isn't as much instant gratification as performing but I don't have to put clothes and makeup on to do it. But every now and then, I get the chance to get back on stage. And let me tell you, there is no feeling I like better in this world than when I know I've made people laugh and have a good time and forget about their troubles for a little while. It is a gift, not one that I give to the audience, but one that they give to me. How cool is that?

So if you are in Vegas this Saturday night and you want to laugh, c'mon and check it out. I'll be the one with the microphone.

I Hate Skinny People

Okay, maybe hate is too strong a word. Let's just say I'm not a fan. Especially of people who have no idea of what it's like to struggle with weight issues. The worst are the ones who are a size four who exclaim "Oh, I am soooo fat!". I just want to hit those people. Look, call me when you can box in the light heavyweight division (over 178 lbs.) and then maybe I'll feel something for you but until then shut up and eat a sandwich already.

I have been overweight since childhood. It didn't help that my paternal grandmother made me breakfast every morning and by breakfast I mean enough food to fuel a lumberjack for a full day, (When it came time for finals when I was in high school she would make an extra big breakfast as "brain food". A huge T-Bone steak, eggs, hash browns, toast, the works. Granted, I had a pretty big brain but I also had a pretty big ass.) And I've never let my weight hold me back from anything I wanted to do (well, it may have hindered my career as a ballerina but since I never wanted to be a ballerina it's okay.) My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol is fine and (knock on wood), I have been really healthy.

But I'm getting older and after I turned thirty-five I noticed that my weight hung a few inches lower that it ever had been. While I've always been a pear shape, I don't want to end up a pyramid. So I want to lose a little weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to be overweight. Just slightly less overweight. And then my goal is to keep that weight off instead of gaining it back. I'd rather lose twenty pounds and keep it off than lose fifty and gain it all back (been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, then had to exchange it for a bigger size.) And as much as I hate exercise, (and I do, I despise it with a passion usually reserved for fascist dictators) I know that it will help me stay healthy. (Still hate it.)

The media makes so much about thin these days. Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, they would be considered heifers these days. The media is blasting Eva Longoria for being fat (what the hell?!?, my right thigh is bigger than she is.) And those girls on the new "90210" look as thought they could star as starving children in a Sally Struthers infomercial. Please, can we have a Hollywood actress who looks somewhat realistic? I'm not talking a size twelve or fourteen (even if that is pretty normal) but maybe a size ten?

Dieting is hard. Oh, I can cook up some great healthy recipes but inside, all I want is a cheeseburger (and I mean a cheeseburger, not a soy patty on a whole wheat bun with fat free cheese.) I saw one website that had lo-cal chili cheese fries. I was intrigued since I am somewhat of a chili cheese fry aficionado. When I looked at the recipe it was soy chili and fat free cheese over BUTTERNUT SQUASH FRIES! What taste-bud missing moron came up with that!?! Now I happen to like roasted butternut squash but it tastes NOTHING like a french fry, nothing at all. And to top it with soy chili and fat free cheese makes me want to upchuck my egg white omelet and dry whole wheat toast breakfast. Please, I'd rather have one lonely, single, solitary real chili cheese fry than a whole plate of that crap. If that's what skinny people eat, I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and doomed to a life of pseudo-food.

This morning I woke up starving and not wanting to exercise and I was going to say 'eff this' and have a real breakfast when I stepped on the scale and found I had lost two pounds. Dammit. So instead I walked my two miles and had my crappy, er, I mean healthy breakfast and I guess I'll stick with it a little while longer. But I still want a cheeseburger.

Wish List

I have no idea what to post about today and I'm feeling pretty uncreative (I think it's the lack of food) so I'm just going to post my wish list, of things I'm wishing for.

1. I wish the election were already over so there wouldn't be any more television ads, phone calls and people knocking on my door trying to get my vote.
2. I wish I could make my grandma better.
3. I wish I had enough money to make my family comfortable.
4. I wish the foods that are 'good' for you tasted as good as the foods that are 'bad' for you.
5. I wish exercise wasn't a chore. Ditto for dieting.
6. I wish that houses cleaned themselves.
7. I wish they would stop telling people that their television sets will stop working on February 17th because they won't, they just won't receive an analog signal any more.
8. I wish Jon Porter would stop those "Tax-us" ads against Dina Titus. She's from Georgia, you moron.
9. I wish the body shop would fix my mom's car quickly.

But as my Dad used to say to me when I was a kid, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." Of course, I always wondered why in the heck beggars would want a horse, wouldn't they wish for money or something useful? Oh well.

Post No Graffiti

I welcome comments on this blog. This blog is an important part of my life and I try to take it seriously. I also try to listen to my Loyal Readers and I enjoy the feedback.

But please, do not leave comments of pure profanity for no apparent reason. If you want to be profane, at least be creative about it. And be honest enough to use your real name. Anonymous profanity is the equivalent of just writing graffiti on my blog and it's not cool.

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog, you make me a better writer and keep me motivated. And thanks to everyone who leaves creative, constructive comments, your voice is always appreciated!

The stock market is in free fall, world economy in collapse, natural disasters occurring in alarming numbers, a presidential election of historic proportion...it's ARMAGEDDON! What are we going to do!?!

My philosophy of life has always been that you can laugh or you can cry and I choose laughter every time. For those who didn't catch "Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday" (is that a huge mouthful of title or what?) watch this clip. Most of it is pretty darn funny, especially the "Really? Oh My God Are you Serious?" segment that is at the end of the clip (forward to 4:22 if you are in a hurry, it totally sums up the ridiculousness of the whole financial crisis.)



Laugh and enjoy and remember the words of REM..."It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!"

Memories

Yesterday we had an appointment at The Memory Clinic. When The Graminator was in the hospital, someone referred her to the clinic. When they called us to schedule an appointment, I thought it was a big waste of time. We already knew she had Alzheimer's and she was on Aricept, so really, what more could we do?

I made the appointment anyway because the woman on the phone said it was very difficult to get an appointment with Dr. Singh and I figured I could always cancel it. Boy, am I glad we didn't. Can I just say that while The Graminator has a yucky HMO insurance (which both my mother and I have as well, because it's cheap and I'm an unemployed writer and my mom works at a day old bread store so what are you going to do?) we have found her doctors to be EXCEPTIONAL. I love her primary care doctor, Dr. Johnson, who looks like a middle aged housewife and nothing like a doctor and I found Dr. Singh to be totally cool.

First they gave The Graminator these somewhat bogus memory tests, some of which she couldn't do, not because of her memory but because of her vision issues. The tests really made my mom mad but we really weren't supposed to talk. Finally when the nurse was asking The Graminator what a specific item was (it was his watch) my mom got upset. The Graminator had never had a digital watch before so she had no idea what it was. My mom said "If I wanted to know what time it is, what would I look at?", to which The Graminator replied "Not that ugly thing!" (Yes, it was a big, ugly black plastic digital watch. My grandma is used to petite gold analog watches.)

Then Dr. Singh came in. We had looked him up on the Internet and it turns out that he is the head of Geriatrics for Southwest Medical. He is Sikh, I think, with the turban and beard and everything. He asked The Graminator some more questions but they were more interesting and relevant. He was totally funny too. When he noticed that The Graminator seemed hard of hearing he asked how long that had been going on. When we told him it was recent, since the fall, he looked in her ears. When he put the light thing in her left ear he asked my mom if she could see the light coming out the other side. Too funny. It turns out The Graminator has some wax in her ears which is affecting her hearing. Everyone else just put it down to old age. He said we could take her to an audiologist too but warned that hearing aids could run several thousand dollars. We'll see how the ear drops he prescribed do.

He also told us to have her vision checked again. He mentioned that while memory loss does happen as we age, we can slow it down and part of that is stimulating the brain, visually, audibly, etc. He prescribed an additional Alzheimer's drug, Namenda, to slow the progression of her memory loss. He said we can't get memory back (so we are stuck with her having little short term memory) but that we can keep her where she is and keep her quality of life intact. Without intervention, he said not only would she forget who and where she was, but even forget how to eat, etc. But he gave us lots of hope for that never happening. Today I'm going to buy her some flash cards and toys to play with to stimulate her brain (see, it really is like raising a two year old.)

He told us to stop the cholesterol medicine she is on (at 87 with no history of stroke or heart attack he said it was unnecessary) and to get her on a osteoporosis medication. He also gave us a lot of information on Reclast, the injectible osteoporosis drug and recommended it for my mom too, who has been having trouble with the other drugs like Boniva and Actonel and now is even having trouble taking simple calcium (it's causing terrible stomach issues.) He was AWESOME, really helpful and communicative and fun. He also said that my Grandma was blessed to have us, and that taking care of her at home was the best possible thing we could ever do. It make me very glad that I can be there for her, and very sad that so many seniors don't have that support system. I can't tell you how many people have commented on us and our care for her. It seems strange to me that we would be the exception and not the rule.

Did you know that life expectancy now is 78, but if you live to be 85 that your life expectancy actually goes UP to 91 or 92? And if you make it to 100, your life expectancy goes up again, to 102? But you got to take care of your brain, people. As you age, your brain loses important chemicals which causes memory loss. At the next appointment I am going to ask Dr. Singh what my mom and I can do to help our brains too, even when we are younger. I'll let you know. But right now, stimulate your brain with television and books and art and color and simple math. I believe that part who I am comes from my memories and experiences and I don't ever want to lose that!

Life Isn't Fair

My father used to tell me that all the time when I would rail about the injustices of the world, and he was right. It isn't fair. But you make the best of it.

Unless, of course, you are a little kid in which case adults make all the rules and you don't get a say in it. Take the case of the little girl in Nepal who had just been named the new "kumari" or living goddess to be worshipped by Hindus and Buddhists as the incarnation of the Hindu deity Taleju. Sounds pretty good, right? Especially since she was chosen from an impoverished caste (if you ever doubt that life is unfair, just look at the caste system sometime!). She will now live in a palatial temple swathed in red silk and have devotees bow their heads to her feet. Sounds good, right?

Well, to find this goddess they interview these 2- to 4-year old girls by looking at their horoscopes and then making sure she has perfect hair, eyes, teeth and skin, and then making sure she isn't afraid of the dark. How do they do that? By making her spend a night alone in a room full of ritually slaughtered goat and buffalo heads without showing fear. Yeah, that sounds like fun for a three year old.

After she is chosen she gets to be taken from her parents and live in almost complete isolation (except for holy days when she gets the feet bowing thing) until she reaches puberty when she is no longer holy any more and some new little kid takes her place. Yeah, silk ribbons until you get your period then they toss you out like yesterday's newspaper. Oh, and there is this rumor that men who marry former kumaris die young so no one wants to marry you. Which is okay because living in isolation since you were three probably doesn't give you much in the way of social skills.

Look, I'm not going to judge any one's religious practices but you really need to ask yourself if it's the practice is truly necessary. Do they really need to do that to little girls? It would be one thing if she were an adult and could make that decision on on her own but she isn't. Hey, we would all be upset if there was a religion still practicing virgin sacrifice, wouldn't we? And isn't that what this is in essence? You use her innocence and then when she isn't 'innocent' any more you send her out into a world that she isn't prepared for nor will truly accept her back. Ick. The things that are done in the name of religion never cease to amaze me. And not to go into a feminist diatribe here but doesn't it seem that in most religions, women get the short end of the stick?

So life isn't fair. But I guess it could always be worse.

Making a Real Effort

Okay, so I have been lazy. Oh, I know that I have a lot going on and it's very easy to use that as an excuse for not getting things done but the fact of the matter is that if I organized myself a little better I could accomplish more.

Val asked me yesterday to be her Maid of Honor. That means I need to fit into a dress and not embarrass myself or my brother and his new wife in their wedding pictures. For any one who doesn't know my 'fat assed saga', I have always been 'fluffy" (doesn't that sound cuter than fat? Like I'm filled with creamy nougat or something..) A few years ago I started working out and eating healthy and I lost 55 pounds. Then I stopped exercising and started eating crap again and gained back 54. But I know it's not healthy for me to to be sedentary (my eating habits are now actually quite good, since I have to cook for more than just myself and I've stopped eating fast food again.) I'd like to lose 30 pounds by the wedding (which is in seven months so that's totally do-able). So I got out my in-home walking DVDs and I'll start walking two miles a day again and trying to work out on the Wii Fit for twenty minutes three or four times a week. That should boost my metabolism and if I cut out eating dessert (except on Sundays when the constant cupcake testing occurs) I should be able to drop the weight I want and get into better shape. I'm also playing a dominatrix in a skimpy outfit in a month for Vegas Schmegas so losing a few pounds before then won't kill me.

I've also been slacking on my writing but that's going to change too. Yes, The Graminator needs constant supervision but there are four computers in this house, two of which are laptops so there really isn't any excuse. Yes, I like working on my Mac the best but sometimes you just have to suck it up. Dyann and Maura have both finished their novels and if I want to do the same I really have to put the work in. It will only benefit me in the long run. (CONGRATULATIONS DYANN!!!!!!!) I'd like to finish it this month but with pre-production really gearing up for the VS shoot, I'm going to cut myself some slack and say by the end of November. If I finish early, great. But that's my 'deadline'. I have other stories that need to be told and I can't write them until this one is out of me. So I gotta just do it.

I have about a zillion other projects that I need to start or finish or both. No more excuses, no more delays. The rest of my life starts today and I've got to make it a good one. When I finish my life story, I want to know that I did everything I could, not just sat around and daydreamed it!

Trying Out Wedding Cakes

No, not for me (don't I wish) but for Will and Val.

They finally set a date. May 2, 2009. They really wanted to get married at the Clark County Heritage Museum, which is this cool place where they took old homes and things to this one site and restored them with period furniture, etc. Yes, most of the things are from the 1940's and 1950's, but in Las Vegas, that's historic. At the end of this street of houses and things is a gazebo and that's where they want to get married. They are restoring an old wedding chapel too but won't be done in time for the wedding. The museum doesn't usually host weddings but Val called and talked to a very nice woman who went to the Board and got them to approve it. The site will only cost them a $200 donation and they have benches for guests to sit on and everything. They are still looking for a reception location but they think they know where they want that too.

So I volunteered a long time ago to make their wedding cakes. I say cakes because instead of one tiered cake they wanted several individual cakes that we would put on a multi-level stand. But now with all the cupcake baking I've been doing lately, Val thinks she might want cupcakes instead. I told them I had even see a cupcake stand that you could put an eight inch round cake on top so they could still have a cake to cut with a topper and then individual cupcakes on the other tiers. So now we need to decide on flavors so that I can perfect them over the next few months so that I can do them in my sleep by wedding time.



The 'theme' of the wedding is cherry blossoms and I am working on making a gazillion cherry blossoms out of gum paste to decorate the cake and cupcakes with. I could buy the flowers but since I have some 'free time" I thought I would try making them. They don't look too hard once you get the knack. I also need to work on a cherry cupcake. My brother suggested a cherry cheesecake cupcake and I want to make them happy but also remain true to myself as a baker. So I'm going to try this weekend and make a cupcake with chopped cherries (real ones, not marachino) in it with a graham cracker bottom and frosted with a marscapone cheesecake frosting. I'll see how it works and how they like it. The main cake for them to cut would (hopefully) look like the top picture.



While surfing the Web for ideas, I came across these cupcake wrappers. Aren't they adorable? I'm thinking if we put the cakes in a pink liner then into these they would look amazing. We will decorate the cupcake stand with ribbons, flowers, etc. What do you think? I want everything to be perfect for them so I've got to get to work!

Book Club

Monday night was book club. Book club was started a couple of years ago by my friend Tina. Tina is an incredibly social person who I would like to emulate but I'm way too shy. She is definitely the social director of the group. I like her friends really well and they have become my friends by osmosis. I don't call them to go hang out or anything but then they don't call me either. But I always enjoy their company and I was really grateful for their love and support on Supermodels. It's funny how friends of friends become friends and I have been to their homes and they have been to mine, etc. They are so cool.

Tina started book club to A) read and B) get a chance to get caught up with people socially. We are supposed to talk abut the book for at least fifteen minutes. Most of the time, one or more people doesn't even finish the book. We read three or four books, then Tina had her son Avi and we just sort of lapsed. (See, I told you Tina was the social director of the crew.) Usually after reading the book we meet at some one's house for dinner and discussion. We had a 'cocktail party' and movie viewing after we read "Valley of the Dolls". (It was my pick and we had just done "Assassination Vacation" and I wanted to read something trashy after that.) We did "The Historian" in late September and I did a fall dinner with curried pumpkin soup, mushroom duxelles crepes and baby caramel apples with winter fruit sangria (Hey, it was a book about vampires, you gotta have dark red wine, right?) After that Avi was born and no more book club.



I was surprised about six weeks ago to find a package from Tina in the mail. It was a book with a note that said we were re-starting book club and this was the first book. It was "The Wonder Spot" by Melissa Bank (who wrote "The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing") and Tina chose it because it was the only five dollar sale book on Amazon that had ten copies. She sent one to each of us with a note to "try to read". Via email later we set the date. Okay, honesty time. I meant to read the book right away but it came when The Graminator was in the hospital and it got pushed aside, then under a pile of other stuff. I might not have read it at all except that on Sunday Val and I were talking and she mentioned that she was reading "Valley of the Dolls" because it was on the Real Simple online book club list. I told her that we had read it for our book club (I'm as hip as the editors at Real Simple, apparently) which triggered in my pea brain that I had book club the next night and I hadn't read the book yet. I dug around my room until I found it and read it. Fortunately it was an easy read and only about three hundred and twenty pages. I finished it around five on Monday, two hours before the book club meeting. I'm glad I did because this was the first time we had all read the book!

We met for dinner at Marche Bacchus, a wine store and restaurant on the lake at Desert Shores. (For those not from Las Vegas, we have no real lakes, only man-made ones. The most famous, of course, is Lake Mead, made when they built the Boulder (Hoover) Dam, and it's the largest man-made lake in the United States. But we have several smaller ones they created so rich people could have waterfront property in the middle of the desert. The biggest and most expensive, Lake Las Vegas (which isn't in Las Vegas) is actually kind of gross, it smells really bad sometimes. Anyway, the restaurant was on the water at Desert Shore and we sat outside. It was a little warm (about ninety degrees at seven p.m., that's what fall is like in Vegas. It's supposed to get down to eighty-five by Saturday, then go back into the nineties. Ugh. What I would give for crisp fall weather!) The restaurant was nice but pretty pricey. You know it's expensive when the wine is the cheapest thing you order. It was good food and I enjoyed it, just overpriced. Tina had halibut with mashed potatoes and it was thirty-two dollars. Hello, do you know how much fish and mashed potatoes I can make for thirty bucks? I probably wouldn't have minded spending sixty-five dollars on dinner if I wasn't an unemployed writer. Oh well, the company was awesome and we actually found a nice red wine that I liked and it was only eighteen dollars a bottle, plus ten percent off of that on Mondays. It was called "Row Eleven" and it was a lovely California Pinot Noir and I highly recommend it.

The book was okay, not my favorite and I wasn't a fan of the disjointed chapter style. As Tina put it, "I liked it but would have a hard time recommending it to someone." it was about the life of a Jewish woman named Sophie Applebaum and her commitment phobic dysfunctional life (love and family) from age twelve to about thirty-five. Our next book is "Lunar Park' by Brett Easton Ellis and I ordered it from the library (unemployed writer who blew all of her spending money on the book club dinner.) I'm glad book club is back, it gives me a chance to get out socially a little at a time when I do so very little socializing. I had a great time talking books and food, my two most favorite subjects!

The Economic Crisis

Okay, I'm going to weigh in with my two cents on the current economic crisis.

Anyone who says they couldn't see this coming wasn't paying any attention. The housing market was so artificially inflated that it was silly. Houses in my mom's neighborhood were selling for $280k. These are forty-five year old, twelve hundred square feet track homes people. Now the two foreclosures next door are selling for $99K. And I don't think it's hit rock bottom yet.

Here is how I see it happened. Greed, pure and simple. Oh, everyone can tell you that it wasn't, that it was just people wanting the "American" dream, to own their own house. Just like in the 1950's. But it isn't true. People wanted BIG houses, then BIGGER houses. The average home size in the 1950's was 1,100 square feet. The average home size today is 2,342 square feet. With smaller families than there were in the 1950's. And people were determined to get the BIGGEST home they 'could afford' even if that meant an "interest only" or 'adjustable rate' mortgage, with the 'knowledge' that home prices would rise and they could re-finance and take out their equity and buy an even BIGGER house. But that's a little like taking your paycheck to the casino to bet it all on red. The house always wins. Yes, some people may come out ahead but most people are going to lose it all. But greed drove the market.

I'm not just blaming individuals. It's the fault of greedy mortgage brokers who pushed through half-million dollar loans for people who made $12.75 an hour. It's the fault of greedy real estate agents who sold houses that cost too much to people who they new darn well couldn't afford it. It's the fault of greedy Wall Street brokers who bought all those 'mortgage backed securities' and packaged them again and again, knowing full well that they were faulty to begin with.

Now the taxpayers of this country are being asked to kick in $700 BILLION dollars to bail out all of these greedy people. I'm kind of ticked off about this because I wasn't one of the greedy ones. No one in my family was. My mom could have sold her house and bought a bigger one but she didn't because she owns her home, free and clear, and she knew it was smarter to have no payments than to buy a giant house and owe hundreds of thousands of dollars. But she and I and you will be paying for that greed anyway. Not fair, but as my dad used to say, nothing in life is fair.

The reason given for this bailout is to stabilize Wall Street and keep the U.S. economy strong. There are guys much smarter than me that think this is the solution and without talking to them face-to-face, I can't really argue that they are wrong. But I do know this...if the American economy fails, the whole world falls. It is in the best interest of the entire WORLD to keep America strong. Because all of those growing economies like China and India will have no one to buy all of the goods and services they sell. America consumes eighty percent of the world's goods. Without our consumption, the rest of the world's economies fail too. Simple math. We can't support the rest of the world if we have no money.

I think there will be a lot more stability once the election is over. No matter who wins, people will be able to see who the leader of the free world will be. Housing prices will eventually bottom out and people will be able to afford houses again. Of course, it will be tougher to get a loan but that's how it was for our parents who needed things like down payments and proof of income. And maybe we will learn the lesson that wanting the dream is fine, we just need to be realistic as to what that dream should be. You don't NEED a McMansion and a gas guzzling Hummer. Buy what you can afford. Save for a rainy day. Sure, it isn't much fun, but neither is a foreclosed house and a bad credit rating.

Prepping the Pilot

We are gearing up for full production mode for the "Vegas Schmegas" pilot that we start filming on November 1st. We have the final table read this Saturday. Some of the biggest production tasks are taken care of, like the motel we are shooting exteriors at (thanks Irwin!) and the insurance bonds we need (thanks ProWerks!). We still have a few more to nail down, like renting a poker table and renting a convertible (anyone out there have a white or black convertible they want to loan for two scenes?) I also have to get myself a dominatrix outfit. Yes, I know, it won't be pretty but that's kind of the joke. I have been web surfing to find something that I won't die of embarrassment wearing but a lot of things are expensive and even if I weren't poor (which I am) I don't want to pay a bunch of money for some leather fetish outfit that I will never wear again...unless I decide to make some money on the side. JUST KIDDING!!! (Anyone got a riding crop and leather dog collar they want to loan me?)

I'm looking forward to working on this. It will be filmed like a feature film. We have actual crew members instead of us all doing everything. I found a lovely young woman to be our script supervisor from the woman who taught me how to do the job (thanks Penny!). We still need someone to assist with hair and makeup (anyone want to be the next Max Factor?) and we are still looking for extras for a scene in the park on November 7th. If anyone is interested in being in a scene or just wants to check out filming, let me know.

I had to write a press synopsis of the show as we looked for potential investors and here is the press clip.
"WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS WILL NO LONGER STAY IN VEGAS!
The VDE team announced early Monday that they are now in pre-production on a new comedy sitcom pilot. The project, tentatively titled VEGAS SCHMEGAS, is a recurring character sketch comedy show along the lines of the international hit Little Britain. From the award winning filmmakers at Vision Dynamics Entertainment and shot in state-of-the-art high definition, VEGAS SCHMEGAS is perfect for standard television, cable and even Internet broadcast. VEGAS SCHMEGAS's colorful characters will be instantly recognizable to anyone familiar with the legend and lore that is Las Vegas."

There is actually a longer synopsis that goes into detail about some of the characters, etc. but I'll save that for closer to the release date. With everything going on with The Graminator I have felt less than creative so it will be good to get back into things. I am going to have to find a sitter for some of the filming days but my friend Kelley at ATM&S gave me a lead on someone so I'm going to call her, or if that doesn't work, check into a respite care provider.

In other stuff, I had a great birthday and I want to thank everyone who sent birthday wishes. It was nice not to be forgotten! I know I'm getting older because I asked for (and got) face cream and new pillows for my birthday. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks but it's better with the new pillows and the face cream helps me look like I got a better night's sleep!

Lavender, the garden cat, is now Lavender, the home and garden cat. She comes into the house every morning and spends most of the day sleeping under The Graminator's bed. She also likes to jump on the couch and have me pet her. Which makes my dog jealous so I have to pet her too. So I have a dog on one side and a cat on the other. My allergies haven't bothered me too badly but I brush Lavender every other day and we try to vacuum a lot too. She still sleeps outside but I'm sure that will change when it gets cooler. My mom bought the cat an eighteen pound bag of food so I guess we have decided to keep her. Mom says we are still looking for a home for her though, so if anyone wants a very loving and friendly full grown cat, let me know.

I'll comment on the bizarre twist of John McCain suspending his campaign when I figure out why he did it. There is something going on that I can't quite understand and I don't like it, it makes me feel uneasy. As uneasy as a $700 billion dollar bailout but that's inevitable. This campaign strategy though is really weird on McCain's part.

And finally, Ted McGinley got kicked off "dancing with the Stars" last night. I thought it would be Susan Lucci or Kim Kardashian but I guess they have more fans. It's a shame, he was a better dancer who worked really hard. But I guess there aren't as many fans of "Married with Children" or "The Love Boat" anymore. And I was sure America wouldn't vote off Cloris this week, which is very nice, but she needs to go next week people. It's painful to watch her 'pseudo-dancing'. Tonight is the premieres of "Survivor: Gabon" and "My Name is Earl" and "The Office" - bring on the entertainment!

Ten Reason I Could Never Be on Dancing With The Stars

10. I'm not a B-List Celebrity.
9. Two left feet, tied to 2 uncoordinated legs, connected to totally spastic body.
8. Boobs are way too small compared to other women on the show.
7. Allergic to feathers and sequins since my showgirl days.
6. Impossible to listen to criticism from Len without crying.
5. Would injure or kill partner trying to lift me.
4. Restraining order from Tom Bergeron requires me to stay at least 500 feet away.
3. I get dizzy when I spin.
2. Can't understand a word Bruno is saying.
1. I hate spray tans.

Last night Jeffrey Ross went home (as he should, he was awful, and unfunny too). Tonight I think it'll be Susan Lucci. Cloris Leachman should go, but she's so darn hammy that America might keep her another week. She's terrible, and not really dancing at all, but she's 82 and once you factor that in she's not all that bad. I don't think she'll make it past next week if she doesn't go home tonight, it's funny now but the shtick is going to wear thin really quickly. My early favorites are Lance Bass and Brooke Burke. This three night thing is too long though. Five hours the first week? Give me a break. But Mom and The Graminator like it too so what's a girl to do but TiVo everything else and settle in for a little dancing?

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Nope, it isn't Christmas, (although if retailer's have their way, we will be buying Christmas stuff now) it's the new fall TV season.

Yay for all the new shows! And the fact that they started on my birthday was really nice of them. I love new TV (I love any TV, who am I kidding). Now kiddies, back in the old days, when we only had 5 channels and you had to choose what new show you would watch. Yes, this was before cable, VDR, DVR, etc. We got a Betamax when I was seven but it wasn't programmable so you had to push the record button when the show came on and you couldn't watch one thing while recording another. We got cable when I was eight but it didn't have a remote and back then MTV just ran music videos.

Today we have TiVo, so I can record two programs at once. I can also watch the new shows 'on demand' on cable and the Internet. Unfortunately, while I'm looking forward to the new season, I'm already disappointed in it. The writer's strike led to fewer pilots and most of the new shows are copies of other shows. "90210" is just a new 90210. "Life on Mars", "Worst Week" and "Eleventh Hour" are all based on British shows, "Kath and Kim" is based on the Australian series and "The Ex-List" is Israeli (seriously?)

I miss a huge fall season with tons of new shows, most of which would be cancelled before you could really get into them (or in the case of "Cave Men" last fall, shows that NEVER should have made it onto the schedule in the first place.) I really miss the oh-so-bad shows like last season's "Viva Laughlin". A musical? Hysterical and I wish they had kept it on a bit longer, it would have made a great drinking game. (Drink a shot every time Melanie Griffith sings)

Still, I am looking forward to the return of "Chuck", "Dancing with the Stars" and "Criminal Minds". And I want to see "Kath and Kim" (I love sitcoms) and "The Mentalist' (Simon Baker is soooo hot). So bring on the shows. My DVR can take it!

Losing Myself Or Finding Out Who I Am?

I have been doing some thinking lately. The Graminator needs full time care, mostly because of her mental state. Physically she's better, much better, so much so I'd say she's 90% back to where she was, which is awesome considering that just a month ago i was afraid she was going to die. But by full time care I mean that she has reached the 'terrible twos' and can't be left alone because you don't know what she's going to do next. Saturday I went to take a quick shower and came out to find her stripping off her clothes. After I got her re-dressed and settled on the couch I went to put some clothes on and heard the unmistakable sound of her taking off her diaper. I came out to find her sitting in poo. She told me the brief 'just fell off'. Sure, while you were sitting down, on the couch, it just fell off and onto the floor. See what I mean, it's like having a toddler, I have to watch her every minute or she's gonna flush her toys down the toilet.

I don't mind taking care of her, I love my family and would do anything for them. But it isn't quite what I expected when I took this sabbatical. It's been very difficult to write. And then I began thinking about when I was working. I got an email from my friend and former boss Jamie. I can't tell you how much I miss her. I'm crying a bit as I write this. I used to talk to her a thousand times a day, about everything. I miss that. I miss chatting with Jan at the front desk. I miss discussing food and movies with Pat. I miss getting hugs from Tammy when one or the other of us was having a rough time in our lives (I could really use a hug now.) I miss talking New Yawk with Antonia. I miss seeing Kelley's quilts and her office decorated for the holiday's. I miss talking politics with Julie K. I miss grumpy Glynn and hanging in the copy room with the runners, and Paul taking my trash every day. I miss Becky and Lisa and Julie A and Sabrina and Nathan and Bruce and Eric and Dave and LeAnn and Lonnie. I miss Mandi and Erin and Jasmin and Anne and treat Thursdays. I miss Kurt's emails and Jon O saying hi in the hallway and Karie and Seetal and Jen and Julie O. I miss Stephanie and Harriet and Lindsay and Kristee and visiting the basement. I could go on until I named every single person who ever worked at Alverson Taylor because of the incredible people I had the pleasure of being around. For seven years I worked with these people and I miss them. I defined myself by what I did and now that person no longer exists, and I miss her too.

Is WHAT I am WHO I am? If so, am I a writer? A filmmaker? A caregiver? A nothing? I'm afraid I'm losing my identity. What, if on this voyage of self-discovery, I find out that I lost myself? I'm not questioning my worth, I know that I am loved and that there are people who appreciate me. I'm asking, how do you determine who you are? No one ever asks a new person that they meet, "so, who are you?" They ask "what do you do?", as though our job is the deciding factor of who we are. So do you lose yourself when you change or don't have a job? I don't think your job is who you are, I know lots of people who hate their jobs so that can't be the definition. Is who you are your dreams and desires? Maybe, but I know lots of people who just dream of winning the lottery so they don't have to do anything so that's not an apt description either. I know you aren't your house or your car or your credit card. Your aren't your friends, despite what MySpace and Facebook users might think, because most of us have a wide and varied group of friends. You certainly aren't your family because as much as we love our families, we didn't exactly get a choice there. Because, as a friend once told me, if we had a choice, we'd all be Kennedys.

It's easy to define myself by what I do, but right now I'm doing everything AND nothing, so it's hard to pin down a description. And I'm certainly not where I thought I'd be in life, not what I though when I was a kid, not what I thought ten years ago, not even what I thought six months ago. Maybe it's getting older (yes, it's THAT day) and maybe it's just the place I'm at in my life. Do you remember when you graduated from high school. And your whole life stretched in front of you, shiny with promise but a little scary too? And you thought you had a plan and you thought that everything would happen exactly how you planned it? Well, that's how I feel right now, only older and wiser to the ways of life. So I'm hopeful and scared and, quite frankly, a little weary and a lot more jaded. My whole life is stretching out before me again. I hope I find me.